(SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: (collective clearing of throats)
SARUMAN (VO): You don't even have to tell me. I'm to keep the show clean?
SOPUH: Well, er, considering who our guests are, we're guessing it might be uh, hard to stay clean...
SARUMAN (VO): Yeeeees?
SOPUH: So, do your best. Don't get TOO pervy. Until the guests are
out. We mean.
SARUMAN (VO): The key qualifier being "too.")
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, howdy do folks! We're ever so happy to be back with yet another scrumptious show! You know, with all those great cooking skills, how could our...I mean, Saruman's show not be scrumptious?
SARUMAN (VO)
At last, you foolish Brown wizard, at last you've remembered whose show this is!
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, thank you kindly, Pudding Tart!
SARUMAN (VO)
(shudder)
RADAGAST (VO)
I mean, let's all put our hands together for the wizard of the hour, Saruman!
(SARUMAN enters in a slightly less dour mood than usual. He seats himself at the MORBID ORTHANC DESK.)
SARUMAN
Today, we have for you the show of shows! The absolute best in cooking/talk show entertainment, because today I am actually quite...intrigued by my guests...
RADAGAST (VO)
(squees)
Oh, who ISN'T?
SARUMAN
Silence, Bird-tamer! Today our guests are none other than the wildly popular makers of quality sexual devices, Elladan and Elrohir!
RADAGAST (VO)
I just would love to see what new things they've come out with for my Legolas Sex Slave!!!
SARUMAN
Radagast! That is more than any of us wanted to know...
RADAGAST (VO)
That is to say, in a totally hypothetical situation I would love to see what—
SARUMAN
Enough!
SOPUH
(emphatically)
Please...no more pervy insinuations!
(Long pause.)
RADAGAST (VO)
Uh. Yes. Off to commercial break we go! Don't touch that dial because we will be right back!
(Scene fades in to reveal a warm, sunlit bathroom in BAG-END. There is hot water being poured in the bathtub by SAM. FRODO enters wearing only a towel.)
FRODO: My dear Sam, thank you ever so much for drawing my water...
SAM: Why, of course Mr. Frodo.
(FRODO quickly disrobes and jumps into the bathtub.)
FRODO: Aaaah, there is nothing like a warm, steamy bath to lift the spirits.
SAM: (quietly) You can say that again, Mr. Frodo...
FRODO: And now, Sam, would you bring me my soap?
SAM: Surely!
(SAM grabs a traditional bar of soap, and as he's bringing it to FRODO, he slips in a CONVENIENT PUDDLE and the soap splashes into the tub.)
FRODO: Bother!
SAM: Oh, I'm so dreadfully sorry, Mr. Frodo!
FRODO: It's all right, Sam, but now however are we to find that soap?
SAM: I'll tell you, I haven't the foggiest, but maybe my old Gaffer—
(In a swift motion, FRODO splashes SAM thoroughly with water.)
FRODO: Not now, Sam! Well, it appears you're all wet. At this point you might as well take off those clothes and hop right in.
SAM: (scandalized) But Mr. Frodo!
FRODO: Don't be a prude, Sam my dear.
SAM: Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt.
FRODO: No, it most certainly won't. And besides, you can help me look for that soap!
SAM: Oh, well when you put it that way, it doesn't sound half bad...
(SAM disrobes and also jumps into the tub.)
FRODO: That's my Sam! Now, where could that soap be???
SAM: I'll find it, Mr. Frodo!
(There is much GIGGLING and SPLASHING. For a moment, SAM lifts the soap out of the water, but it slips between his hands and splashes back into the water.)
SAM: Shucks!
(More GIGGLING and SPLASHING.)
SAM: (out of breath) Why, Mr. Frodo, I think I found it...er...I...oh my...
FRODO: (huskily) Oh Sam...come closer, my silly gardener...
(More splashing and now some quite obvious questionable HOBBIT ACTIVITIES. Suddenly, MERRY and PIPPIN enter, clothed. SAM and FRODO pay them no mind.)
PIPPIN: (indicating SAM and FRODO) Well, if you don't want to be constantly losin' your soap and ending up in all that tomfoolery...
MERRY: Then buy this lovely Soap on an Elven Rope!
FRODO: (to SAM) Oh, yes, Sam, yes, yes!
MERRY: (nonplussed) Guaranteed never to break, so you won't have to worry about such, er, messy situations in the future!
PIPPIN: (winks at MERRY) I mean, unless you really want to.
MERRY: Right. Soap on an Elven Rope...
SAM: (to FRODO, orgasmically) Oh yes, it works, Mr. Frodo, it really works!!!
PIPPIN: Don't take it from us, take it from Sam.
MERRY: Buy Soap on an Elven Rope today!
(MERRY and PIPPIN scamper off, leaving SAM and FRODO clutching each other in a torrid embrace as the scene fades out.)
SARUMAN
(spluttering)
Why...that...those...BLASTED HOBBITS!
RADAGAST (VO)
Now, Saruman!
SARUMAN
They were having hobbit-sex the whole time! Hoh, that Samwise Gamgee tried to pull the proverbial wool over my eyes with his innocent act, but all the time, I KNEW! I could see through it! See it with my flashing eyes! (starts doing flashy eye thing)
RADAGAST (VO)
What, did you see it in your palantír again?
SARUMAN
Uh. No. Definitely not.
SOPUH
Please! We mustn't bring up that filthy Balrog pornography again!
(Pause. EVERYONE stares at the SOPUH.)
SOPUH
Bollocks.
SARUMAN
(self-satisfied)
Hmph! I knew those hobbits were up to mischief! Now, I wonder how many more of my...pervy predictions...will turn out...to be...true...
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, when you stop to think about it, we all know about Aragorn and Legolas, since Aragorn pretty fairly admitted as much in our first show...
SOPUH
Radagast!
SARUMAN
Hrm. Yes. And from that sickeningly cute display those hobbits put on, I can only imagine what those other two cousins get up to...heh heh, well; we can only guess what other revelations this day will bring...
RADAGAST (VO)
(stage whisper)
Saruman, what about the guests?
SARUMAN
Right! The guests! And now for the moment you've all been waiting for, introducing for your...enjoyment, the famous twins of Imladris, Elladan and Elrohir!
(A SCINTILLATING SAXOPHONE is played as ELLADAN and ELROHIR enter, smiling and waving. They seat themselves next to the MORBID ORTHANC DESK.)
SARUMAN
So, Elladan and Elrohir, I must say, I am positively fascinated by your unique ability to both disgust and enthrall the whole of a country...
ELLADAN
Well, it actually wasn't too hard.
ELROHIR
It's true, really all we had to do was make a controversial sexual device, and there goes the neighborhood.
SARUMAN
Indeed...
ELLADAN
And really, we never would have predicted that our product would be as popular as he is...
ELROHIR
I mean, Legolas is a mighty fine piece of...elf, but regardless, we were not expecting so many orders!
SARUMAN
Ah, and how many have you sold, to date?
ELLADAN
Well, you should know, shouldn't you?
SARUMAN
What? What do you mean?
RADAGAST (VO)
Oooooooh! Saruman, do you have a Legolas Sex Slave TOO???
(Pause.)
SARUMAN
(petulantly)
Nooooooooo.
ELLADAN
Well you needn't be ashamed! Practically everyone owns one...
ELROHIR
Really, our philosophy on the whole thing is that it's perfectly healthy to explore newer aspects of one's sexuality in the safe, loving arms of a Legolas Sex Slave...
ELLADAN
I mean, now really, who wouldn't want that?
ELROHIR
I certainly don't know.
RADAGAST (VO)
Oh, this is positively delightful! But I'm afraid it's time for another commercial break. Please stay tuned!
(70's PORN MUSIC plays as LEGOLAS enters, all "pimped out.")
LEGOLAS: Ever wanted to shag two elves at once? Who hasn't! Well, now is your Golden Opportunity! Although I have not spent millennia perfecting my craft, it is quite easy to follow in the footsteps of the trailblazing twins who have come before me. As you might guess, my new craft is that of Sexual Devices!
(LEGOLAS claps his hands in glee.)
LEGOLAS: Now, I know which two elves really get you all hot and bothered, so, I have manufactured the perfect "Elladan & Elrohir Sex Slaves"! It's true!
(LEGOLAS reveals two life-sized ELLADAN and ELROHIR DOLLS.)
LEGOLAS: Not only are they anatomically correct and made of durable and life-like plastic, but when you touch their hands together, the do True to Life Sexual Activities! Behold this demonstration:
(LEGOLAS sets up the ELLADAN and ELROHIR DOLLS to face one another, and makes them touch hands.)
ELLADAN: (robotic) Oh, Elrohir, let me help you get into something more comfortable.
ELROHIR: (robotic) Yes, yes, undress me now.
(ELLADAN and ELROHIR DOLLS begin stripping.)
LEGOLAS: But it gets even better!
(Nude ELLADAN and ELROHIR DOLLS begin sharing A LITTLE BIT MORE THAN BROTHERLY LOVE.)
ELLADAN: (robotic) Ai gwanur, ai pen-velui, yes harder, right there.
ELROHIR: (robotic) Don't stop, you stunning hunk of familial elf.
LEGOLAS: Double your pleasure and double your fun with my patented "Elladan and Elrohir Sex Slaves", perfect for fulfilling your all your ménage a trois fantasies!
(ELLADAN and ELROHIR continue questionable ELVISH ACTIVITIES.)
LEGOLAS: Additionally, you may want to consider incorporating any and all accessories manufactured for Legolas Sex Slave in your lovemaking rituals with your Elladan and Elrohir Sex Slaves. I assure you, they will be "tarts 4 u" in no time flat!
ELLADAN and ELROHIR: (robotic orgasm noises)
LEGOLAS: Because who wouldn't want that? I certainly don't know.
ELLADAN and ELROHIR
Ai Ilúvatar!!! Ai Eru! Ai—
RADAGAST (VO)
(gleefully)
Ai ai! Patented twincest is come!
ELLADAN
Oh, the shame, the shame!
ELROHIR
Legolas had no right to do that to us!
ELLADAN
It's disgusting! Horribly, wretchedly disgusting!
SARUMAN
Well, if you'd allow me to...interject, I would only point out that Legolas has simply done the same thing that you did to him...
ELROHIR
(fuming)
We did nothing of the sort! Oh, the horror!
ELLADAN
What will Ada say? Oh, what will THRANDUIL say?
SARUMAN
What...if...Thranduil got his own pair of Elladan and Elrohir Sex Slaves?
ELLADAN and ELROHIR
Auuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhh!
RADAGAST (VO)
Saruman, that is just plain icky.
ELLADAN
Oh, and even so, they don't look right at all! Elrohir, they forgot that little freckle that you have on your...
SARUMAN
Do please continue.
ELROHIR
(turning on SARUMAN)
Well, speaking of icky, we were wondering what on EARTH it was that Lurtz said to you, because it cannot possibly be worse than being made into a twincestual Sex Slave!
ELLADAN
Yeah!
RADAGAST (VO)
See??? I told you that you should tell us!
SARUMAN
(glazing over)
Morgoth's teeth...must I?
ELROHIR
Well, since we're already humiliated, why not round it all off nicely?
SARUMAN
Well let me assure you all that it is HORRIBLE. Absolutely terrible and very...SQUICKY.
ELLADAN
Yes, of course, now TELL US.
SARUMAN
It was the most scarring experience of my life! It was horrid! Oh, I cannot speak of the horrors!
ELROHIR
Can it be as bad as say, a Like a Virgin Elladan or Schoolgirl Kit Elrohir?
ELLADAN and ELROHIR
(begin sobbing dramatically in each other's arms)
RADAGAST (VO)
Oh, there, there, it can't be SO bad...
SARUMAN
(gravely)
Not...nearly...as bad...as...my experience...with......
RADAGAST (VO)
Oh, spit it out already!
SARUMAN
(sinisterly)
I am the master...of...ELLIPSIS!
ELLADAN
(irritably)
Just tell us!
SARUMAN
Fine! Fine. I'll tell you. I'll tell you the torturous tale...about...Lurtz...but you will be horrified!
RADAGAST (VO), SOPUH, ELLADAN, ELROHIR, AUDIENCE
Enough!!!
SARUMAN
One day I was brooding in my tower malevolently, when Lurtz approached me. He said, with a cunning smile... "Saruman, you have a nice staff."
(Pause. CRICKET CHIRPING can be heard.)
RADAGAST (VO)
Yes?
SARUMAN
(vehemently)
He said "Saruman, you have a nice staff"!
RADAGAST (VO), SOPUH, ELLADAN, ELROHIR, AUDIENCE
That's it???
SARUMAN
Yes!!! Now you know! You know the horrors of it all! It is...the...AWFUL TRUTH...
RADAGAST (VO)
(spluttering)
But...but what if he was just saying that he liked your wizard staff?
SARUMAN
Cease and desist Radagast! The experience haunts me!
SOPUH
Oh no!!!! We're getting word in from the network...
RADAGAST (VO)
What?
SARUMAN
Oh, the horror that it is...to be...THE WHITE WIZARD...
ELLADAN
What's going on?
ELROHIR
And why haven't we cooked anything?
RADAGAST (VO)
Oh, no, this is dreadful, simply dreadful!
SARUMAN
I know!
RADAGAST (VO)
(pertly)
Not the silly staff joke, the—
SOPUH
Stop mentioning the staff joke!
SARUMAN
And he said "Saruman, you have a nice—
RADAGAST (VO)
The show is getting cancelled, you twit!
SARUMAN
What.........?!?
SOPUH
(grimly)
The network executive just called. We've been cancelled.
(Suddenly the screen goes blank.)
Please proceed to the Epilogue.
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Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!! by Calaquende
Chapter notes: I do not own these characters, nor do I make any profit from them. That'd just be wrong; hobbits don't deserve to work in sweat shops. (I almost wrote sex shops...Freudian slip, anyone?) And furthermore, as I don't own these characters, I cannot be held responsible for the pervy things they may say/do/think, etc. They can't help it, and I certainly can't stop them, so hey. Here you go.
Thank you Moriquende, as always.
Note: Thank you all so, so much for staying tuned to this crazy little series. I know it's been forever since I've updated. All I can say is that I'm a damned prat and a procrastinator, but hopefully the end result justifies the long wait. And now, without further ado...
