Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!! by Calaquende

Story notes: Word of introduction: One day I started thinking about how sinister Saruman always sounds. Then I thought about how funny it would be if he was making sweet potato pies, what with the holidays and all. This ridiculous series is the result. I will be updating it with new episodes every couple of weeks, unless otherwise noted. Comments appreciated.
Another note: There is no blatant slash in these. Mostly insinuation and ads. But it is important to keep in mind that Saruman always speaks very slowly....in a v. sinister fashion. That's all. Also many thanks to Moriquende, my fabulous beta.

1. Episode 1: Holiday Cheer by Calaquende [Reviews - 0] (1059 words)
(This is a pilot, the series will not happen unless the audience likes it, A LOT, so we can make a ridiculous amount of money off of it!
2. Episode 2: Of Poetry and Tarts. by Calaquende [Reviews - 0] (1320 words)
Saruman taunts Legolas with his oliphaunt scaling abilities and Legolas is affronted.
3. Episode 3: Down on the Farm. by Calaquende [Reviews - 0] (2771 words)
Saruman asks Sam questions that the Gaffer really wouldn't take a liking to. And I still don't own these characters. Not even Radagast, which is a crying shame.
4. Episode 4: The All-Wizard Extravaganza by Calaquende [Reviews - 0] (2029 words)
Wizard taunting abounds as Gandalf causes trouble.
Some text is taken from Tolkien's Unfinished Tales. Apparently there is a quite a bit to know about Wizards...
5. Episode 5: Of Mushrooms and Drinking Games. by Calaquende [Reviews - 0] (2525 words)
Some days I really wish I owned some hobbits. But I don't. I also don't own wizards, balrogs, or the like. But Tolkien does. Lucky him. Song taken from Fellowship of the Ring.
6. Episode 6: Fish Nice Fish. by Calaquende [Reviews - 0] (2220 words)
Yup. Still not mine. Bollocks. Song taken from "The Two Towers."
7. Episode 7: Muffins of Gondor by Calaquende [Reviews - 0] (1998 words)
It's the battle of the Boromirs! And also, muffins aren't manly.
I do not own any of these characters, nor to I make any profit from them, unlike the Society of Profiteering Uruk-Hai. Which is sort of too bad; I need money, but I doubt anyone would pay me for this. Furthermore, I do not own Ralph Bakshi's version of Boromir. Why did people pay him for that? That is no good.

Thanks to Estelendur for the comment on Bakshi Boromir; I incorporated it in this.
8. Episode 8: Ring a Dong Dillo by Calaquende [Reviews - 0] (2050 words)
Summary: In the eighth installment of the show, Tom Bombadil is guest and hilarity ensues.


Note: Good poetry is taken from The Fellowship of the Ring and "The Adventures of Tom Bombadil." The poorer poetry is my own, and it is quite ridiculous.

Another quick note: Thanks all for staying tuned. I know it's been forever since I've updated this, but it's been awfully busy, and I didn't want to write one unless it was going to be good. Quality control. Anyway, thanks so much for sticking with me.

Special thanks to Moriquende for her mad Beta skillz.
9. Episode 9: It Takes Two by Calaquende [Reviews - 0] (2045 words)
I do not own these characters, nor do I make any profit from them. That'd just be wrong; hobbits don't deserve to work in sweat shops. (I almost wrote sex shops...Freudian slip, anyone?) And furthermore, as I don't own these characters, I cannot be held responsible for the pervy things they may say/do/think, etc. They can't help it, and I certainly can't stop them, so hey. Here you go.

Thank you Moriquende, as always.

Note: Thank you all so, so much for staying tuned to this crazy little series. I know it's been forever since I've updated. All I can say is that I'm a damned prat and a procrastinator, but hopefully the end result justifies the long wait. And now, without further ado...
10. Epilogue: A Farewell to Saruman by Calaquende [Reviews - 0] (990 words)