(SOCIETY OF PROFITEERING URUK-HAI: Phew...at least we won't be having another All-Wizard episode again soon...
SARUMAN (VO): I was...a very good...sport about it.
SOPUH: All things considered, you were...now just please be good to the Halflings today.
SARUMAN (VO): We shall see.
SOPUH: This could all go wrong at any moment.)
RADAGAST (VO)
Heloooooo! And welcome to the show! We're so very happy you tuned in, aren't we, Saruman?
SARUMAN (VO)
Charmed.
RADAGAST (VO)
Righty-o! Well folks, we've got some might fine guests today...and you heard right! I said "guests": plural!
SARUMAN (VO)
Who is Captain Obvious?
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, usually it's Legolas.
SARUMAN (VO)
True.
RADAGAST (VO)
But anyway, we've got two adorable, lovable, huggable hobbits here today!
SARUMAN (VO)
(sighs out of exasperation)
RADAGAST (VO)
And with the help of ol' Saruman here, they'll make some cream of mushroom soup and drink some home brewed ale!
SARUMAN (VO)
The ale was not my idea.
RADAGAST (VO)
Gee, you're always so cross. But on with the show! Presenting our demonic host who makes delicious food: Saruman!
(AUDIENCE clapping is slightly more than feeble as SARUMAN enters and sits at morbid Orthanc desk.)
SARUMAN
Yes. I was told the Halflings should have ale on this show...at first I was reluctant, but then I thought better of it.
SOPUH
Uh oh. We smell an evil plan brewing.
RADAGAST (VO)
Oh, now let's not be hasty.
SOPUH
Don't be a pushover, Radagast.
SARUMAN
Ahem. I was speaking. ME. Because this is my show...a fact that everyone...manages to forget.
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, just don't get your panties in a twist about it, sugar dumpling.
SARUMAN
How many times must I insist you NOT call me that?
RADAGAST (VO)
I always forget about that whole Lurtz thing. But I'm curious, what did happen?
SARUMAN
NO. Never.
RADAGAST (VO)
Would it hurt you that much to just tell?
SARUMAN
(flashing eyes)
Yes. Now let's please go to commercial break.
RADAGAST (VO)
But it isn't time...
SARUMAN
Nonsense! This is MY show, I call the shots. Now...commercial break!
RADAGAST (VO)
But it still isn't time, you great big silly.
SARUMAN
Radagast!
SOPUH
It's going to be a long day...
RADAGAST (VO)
And well, besides, you haven't properly introduced our guests.
SARUMAN
(sinisterly)
Two Halflings from the Shire: Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took.
RADAGAST (VO)
See? Now that wasn't so hard!
SARUMAN
I will TORTURE YOU! PERFECT YOU!
RADAGAST (VO)
(sing-song)
Your fighting Uruk-hai. But anyway, you would not. Oop – it's time for commercial break!
SOPUH
About bloody time.
SARUMAN
Mwa............ha...............ha!
(LEGOLAS and GLORFINDEL enter with v. shimmering hair.)
LEGOLAS: (beaming) My my, Glorfindel, but your hair looks absolutely radiant!
GLORFINDEL: Why thank you, Legolas. Yours is positively gleaming!
LEGOLAS: Tee hee!
GLORFINDEL: (to camera) Hello one and all. Ever wondered the secret behind how we Elves keep our hair looking so pristine?
LEGOLAS: Well wonder no more! The secret behind glimmering, shining hair is Wood Elf Brand hair care products.
GLORFINDEL: It's true. Now even you can have ravishing Elvish hair!
LEGOLAS: Using it is actually quite simple. I will demonstrate on my good friend Glorfindel.
(THEY share a meaningful smile. As LEGOLAS narrates, he also performs said instructions on GLORFINDEL.)
LEGOLAS: First you must wash the hair with clean water and Wood Elf Brand Shampoo. It smells like juniper berries, so your showering experience will no doubt be delightful.
GLORFINDEL: (slightly orgasmic) Oh yes!
LEGOLAS: Next, use Wood Elf Brand Conditioner: for deep conditioning, there's nothing better!
GLORFINDEL: (definitely orgasmic) Oooh! I think it's penetrating my follicles!
(A pause.)
GLORFINDEL: (sheepish) That sounded naughty.
LEGOLAS: Yes. Well after that you simply dry the hair, apply Wood Elf Brand Styling Gel, Sculpting Gel, and Luxurious Pomade!
GLORFINDEL: (slightly orgasmic) Ooh, my scalp is positively tingling!
LEGOLAS: To finish it off, a very natural Wood Elf Brand Hair Spray, to take care of all those nasty flyaways.
GLORFINDEL: Oh, I look beauteous!
LEGOLAS: You do...
(Amorous glances.)
GLORFINDEL: So nance on over to your nearest retailer...
LEGOLAS: And buy Wood Elf Brand hair care products!
GLORFINDEL: You don't even have to be a Wood Elf to love them!
LEGOLAS: Buy then today.
(Scene fades out as GLORFINDEL flicks soap bubbles at LEGOLAS.)
RADAGAST (VO)
Oh, that Wood Elf stuff looked like fun...Ah. Well back to the show!
SARUMAN
Elves.........Radagast, do you know the Orcs came into being?
RADAGAST (VO)
You've told us a hundred times...
SARUMAN
They were Elves once...and they belong......to MORGOTH.
RADAGAST (VO)
Saruman, now really. Enough of this Dark Lord business. What does he have to do with anything?
SARUMAN
The Elves in that commercial looked like they wanted to be tortured...by Morgoth!
RADAGAST (VO)
You are just SO sinister.
SARUMAN
(with relish)
I know. Now, the show. Today we are graced...by the presence...of two Halflings from the Shire, Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took.
(A LIVELY LUTE plays as MERRY and PIPPIN enter and seat themselves next to morbid Orthanc desk.)
SARUMAN
Well...Meriadoc...and...Peregrin...
PIPPIN
Oh, just call us Merry and Pippin.
SARUMAN
Merry...and...Pippin...
PIPPIN
Well what is it? Spit it out.
SARUMAN
All in good time...
(MERRY takes out his PIPE and POUCH of pipe-weed. PIPPIN does the same.)
MERRY
D'you mind if we smoke?
PIPPIN
(clamoring, to MERRY)
Mmm...Old Toby!
SARUMAN
I really...wish...you wouldn't...
MERRY
Aww, come on Saruman. D'you want some?
SARUMAN
(recoiling)
No...I was hoping...this could be an interview...
MERRY
Well, ask your questions while we smoke.
PIPPIN
We can listen and smoke at the same time!
SARUMAN
Very well. Have it your own way. Now...you two...were part of the "fellowship." Am I correct?
PIPPIN
Aye. Hasn't everyone else who's been on the show been in it too?
SARUMAN
Yes...
MERRY
(blowing smoke)
Well, how about you ask us some GOOD questions then?
SARUMAN
(flashing eyes)
I will. Well then, Merry, tell me, how is Pippin?
MERRY
What? Why don't you ask HIM?
SARUMAN
In bed! How is Pippin in bed?
MERRY
Well, he doesn't snore...sometimes he kicks though...
SARUMAN
That is NOT what I meant.
PIPPIN
Well then what DO you mean?
SARUMAN
You know perfectly well what I mean...but fine. Pippin...is Merry...skilled?
PIPPIN
Skilled?
SARUMAN
Skilled. In bed.
PIPPIN
(becomes overly fascinated with smoke rings HE just made)
SARUMAN
Pippin? Pippin!
(MERRY violently nudges PIPPIN.)
PIPPIN
Right. Well...I don't really think I know what you're talking about...
SARUMAN
Hogwash!
RADAGAST (VO)
(giggling)
That was hilarious! Say it again.
SARUMAN
Merry, Pippin, we all know you have hobbit sex.
MERRY, PIPPIN
Hobbit sex?!?
SARUMAN
With each other. And aren't you...cousins?
(MERRY and PIPPIN look at each other with slightly dazed but more like STONED faces.)
PIPPIN
Aye, we're cousins.
SARUMAN
Confound it! Answer my question!
MERRY
(stoned)
Question?
SARUMAN
About hobbit sex!
PIPPIN
(perplexed)
Hobbit sex...
MERRY
Now honestly, Saruman, did you never get the whole "birds and bees" talk?
SARUMAN
This...is...maddening...
PIPPIN
(still perplexed, to MERRY)
Birds and bees?
MERRY
Give it a rest, Pip.
SARUMAN
I know you have had hobbit sex.
MERRY
And how would you know that?
SARUMAN
My...palantír...
PIPPIN
(suddenly alert)
Your palantír is just filthy! Balrog pornography! Like I'm ever going to get THAT out of my head...
MERRY
Eew.
RADAGAST (VO)
Is that...true?
SARUMAN
...No...I...
MERRY
Hmm. Well, are you sure you don't want some Old Toby?
PIPPIN
(to MERRY)
Eeew, don't give it to him...the balrog p—
SARUMAN
Commercial break it is!
RADAGAST (VO)
It isn't time.
MERRY
You know Pip; I've always wondered how those balrogs get their jollies...
SARUMAN
Commercial break!
RADAGAST (VO)
But...
SARUMAN
(points staff at RADAGAST)
Do it. NOW!
RADAGAST (VO)
(exasperated)
Well Jiminy Crickets!
(ELLADAN and ELROHIR enter as always, "pimped out." 70's porn music pumps in the background.)
ELLADAN: Hello again one and all!
ELROHIR: Since our first airing we've had phenomenal sales.
ELLADAN: We've sold over 400 Legolas Sex Slaves to date.
ELROHIR: And so we've decided to expand our kits and accessories, so that you 400+ proud owners of Legolas Sex Slave can discover even more great ways to enjoy our product.
ELLADAN: After we released the S&M Kit for Legolas Sex Slave we have had many requests to make more dress-up kits for Leggy.
ELROHIR: Which is understandable; he looks positively delicious dressed up.
ELLADAN: Or undressed.
ELROHIR: Well, that too. But nonetheless, there is great demand for more dress-up kits for Leggy.
ELLADAN: And so, without further ado, we'd like to present (drumbeat rolls) the Legolas Schoolgirl Kit!
(ELROHIR reveals LEGOLAS DOLL in said outfit.)
ELROHIR: As you can see, Leggy looks quite nice in dresses.
ELLADAN: (winks) You may have figured that out already.
ELROHIR: This outfit includes the following: an adorable red plaid miniskirt, white blouse with convenient ties (so you can make the look racier), argyle knee socks, and cute penny loafers.
ELLADAN: We admit, not as spicy as Dominatrix Leggy...
ELROHIR: But wait! There's more!
ELLADAN: Oh yes. With the Schoolgirl Kit comes the following accessories: pink feather tickler, many scented oils (multi-purpose, I might add), and some spray on whipped cream.
ELROHIR: That's yummy. The Schoolgirl Kit also comes with feathery hair bands so you can put Leggy's hair in pigtails.
(ELROHIR puts LEGOLAS DOLL'S hair in pigtails.)
ELLADAN: Isn't that just adorable?
ELROHIR: As with the S&M Kit, you'll find your Leggy may respond a bit differently when in costume.
ELLADAN: One fun thing to try with Legolas Schoolgirl is to squirt whipped cream on him and lick it off.
(ELLADAN squirts whipped cream on LEGOLAS DOLL'S neck and licks it off.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic) Oh, oh, that's tasty.
ELLADAN: When in the Schoolgirl outfit, Leggy also has a tendency to sing.
ELROHIR: And you may be familiar with the song if you tuned into "Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!!" a few weeks ago...
(ELROHIR squeezes the right hand of LEGOLAS DOLL.)
LEGOLAS: (robotic, singing to tune of "I'm a Slave 4 U") I'm a Taaaaa-rt...for you!
(ELLADAN and ELROHIR high-five.)
BOTH: And who wouldn't want that? Buy your Schoolgirl Kit today!
(Scene fades out with 70's porn music with robotic "Tart" song sung in the background.)
RADAGAST (VO)
And once again, we are back.
SARUMAN
(to HOBBITS)
Now put out those pipes!
MERRY
Fine, fine, we will. I was finished with this bowl anyway.
PIPPIN
Me too. Y'know Saruman, you might loosen up a bit if you at least tried it...
SARUMAN
I won't. NO.
PIPPIN
Well suit yourself.
SARUMAN
I will. Now we're in the kitchen, where we are going to make...cream of mushroom soup...
MERRY
Mushrooms? Finally, something I want to hear about.
SARUMAN
Yes. Here are the mushrooms, already sliced.
(MERRY and PIPPIN clamor around the mushrooms and stare in awe.)
PIPPIN
Are these mushrooms from the Shire?
SARUMAN
Yes...
MERRY
Oh, the best food always comes from the Shire.
SARUMAN
Yes well, the mushrooms—
PIPPIN
(conspiratorially to SARUMAN)
So tell me...are these... "special" mushrooms?
SARUMAN
"Special" mushrooms?
MERRY
Aye. Are they?
SARUMAN
You two are just...the party hobbits, aren't you?
MERRY
What d'you mean?
SARUMAN
You do every manner of drug conceivable...
PIPPIN
Hey now...we don't do drugs. We experiment, more like.
SARUMAN
Mere semantics.
(PIPPIN looks v. confused.)
MERRY
(to PIPPIN)
Eh, don't worry about him. Let's just eat these mushrooms...
SARUMAN
No! They aren't in the soup yet.
PIPPIN
Oh right, the soup! You know, Sam can make a mean coney soup...
SARUMAN
But now...we will put...the MUSHROOMS in the SOUP.
(MERRY starts gobbling MUSHROOMS anyway.)
PIPPIN
Oy! Are they "special" mushrooms, Merry??
MERRY
No...
SARUMAN
(becoming frustrated)
Bother...Merry, Pippin, just forget about the soup.
(SARUMAN pulls out large flagons of ALE.)
SARUMAN
Here. Let's focus on these instead, shall we?
MERRY
(in awe)
Is that a whole pint?
SARUMAN
(evilly)
It......is.
(The HOBBITS get very wide eyes, then jump on the counter, flagons in hand, and start singing and dancing jigs.)
MERRY, PIPPIN
(singing)
Hey! Ho! To the bottle I go,
to heal my hear and drown my woe--
SARUMAN
(covers ears)
Stop...that!!!
PIPPIN
(singing)
Better than the rain or rippling brook
Is a mug of beer inside this Took!
(MERRY and PIPPIN clink mugs and start downing the ale like mad.)
RADAGAST (VO)
(clapping)
Oh that was marvelous!
SARUMAN
Get off the counter you fools of Tooks.
MERRY
I'm not a Took.
(THEY jump off the counter and slam their empty mugs down.)
SARUMAN
But you're still cousins......My, you finished your ale quickly.
PIPPIN
We did. Can I have another?
MERRY
And me?
SARUMAN
Why...of course.
(SARUMAN fills their flagons to the brim.)
SARUMAN
Now...I was wondering...which of you...could drink all that...the fastest?
MERRY
Why I could!
PIPPIN
No! I could.
SARUMAN
Well...we could...find out.
PIPPIN
(determinedly)
Right.
(THEY clink mugs and chug the ale. MERRY finishes slightly before PIPPIN.)
MERRY
(staggers)
See...I told you!
PIPPIN
No fair! I could still beat you!
MERRY
Could not!
(SARUMAN fills up their flagons again.)
MERRY
I'd like to see you try!
PIPPIN
Fine then. Let's have at it.
(THEY down they ale, and PIPPIN wins.)
PIPPIN
See???
RADAGAST (VO)
Now Saruman, don't give them anymore.
SARUMAN
But if they want it...
(PIPPIN stumbles and falls into a chair.)
RADAGAST (VO)
Those are such large glasses...
SARUMAN
(to MERRY, PIPPIN)
Well, do you want...more...ale?
MERRY
No more for Pip, he never can hold it as well, but I'll have one more.
PIPPIN
(slurred)
I want one too!
SARUMAN
Maybe we all ought to sit down.
(MERRY zigzags his way to a chair and flops into it.)
SARUMAN
So is it true...about...Sam and Frodo?
PIPPIN
(drunken laughter)
Sam and Frodo!
SARUMAN
(keenly)
Yes? Do they... have... hobbit sex?!?
MERRY
Eew! Don't talk about my cousin that way!
SARUMAN
So Frodo is your cousin too. That's...kinky.
PIPPIN
(v. slurred, drunken)
See, the question's not who's having hobbit sex with whom, but rather, who really really really likes Longbottom Leaf but won't admit it.
MERRY
Yeah!
(MERRY and PIPPIN look pointedly at SARUMAN.)
SARUMAN
What?
PIPPIN
C'mon old boy...
SARUMAN
What are you talking about?
MERRY
You ought to just come right out and admit it.
SARUMAN
Admit what?
PIPPIN
We know you have smoked pipe-weed before. Gandalf told us you had. But he said he'd never take you to task about it because he didn't want you to look bad...
SARUMAN
(sinisterly)
He's lying.
MERRY
Is not, and we all know it. You'd be best to just give up now, Saruman.
RADAGAST (VO)
(with glee)
Busted!
SARUMAN
You cannot prove it.
PIPPIN
Yes I can! Your palantír showed you smoking...
SARUMAN
Yes. Well my palantír saw you two having hobbit sex!
MERRY
Eew, your palantír is full of balrog porno...
PIPPIN
So you may as well give up. Besides, why else would you have Longbottom Leaf stored in Orthanc Tower? Hmmm?
SARUMAN
No...comment...
MERRY
Seems rather dodgy to me.
PIPPIN
And me.
SARUMAN
(flashing eyes)
RADAGAST (VO)
Well, I hate to break this up, but I'm afraid we're all out of time. Many thanks to Merry and Pippin for joining us today. Tune in next week when we have a very special, and I do mean "special" guest: Gollum! See you next week.
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Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!! by Calaquende
Chapter notes: Some days I really wish I owned some hobbits. But I don't. I also don't own wizards, balrogs, or the like. But Tolkien does. Lucky him. Song taken from Fellowship of the Ring.
