It's like a dream where nothing is real. It's like a fantasy world where everything is possible and nothing is forbidden. No rules, no tomorrow... the sky's the limit.
At times I can't believe this is real, that it's really happening. It was a one in a million – no, probably more one in a trillion, chance that I should get this role. And not just any role, not a small part or a villain. No, I'm one of the main characters, I'm magical, loved... I'm the Elven Prince Legolas. Just imagining the fame and fortune this role will almost certainly bring with it... makes me dizzy just to think about. Imagine the odds of me getting all what any actor dreams of just like that, headed on a silver patter. Knowing that many of my fellow actors have fought for this chance for years and here I am... getting it all just like that when I'm barely out of school.
It gives me a strange feeling of joy mixed with a feeling of unrealism thinking of it all. At times I fear this is all a dream but it isn't. However that fear together with my joy makes me want to live this moment to the fullest. Just being here is a dream; just thinking about it makes me smile. It's like a drug, making everything seem unreal and allowed. No rules, no consequences and no tomorrow.
I think we all act more freely than we normally would. This has become our dream and we've made a dream family. Everyone has certain roles to play; Ian as the father or uncle to us younger actors, the Hobbits are like children, the men are like big brothers and me... I'm caught in the middle. Neither man nor Hobbit, I fit in everywhere yet nowhere. It makes me more unpredictable and freer to do what I want and get away with it. Not that Lij can't bend us all to his will with his angel face as Miranda puts it though for an angel he sure has a sinful mind.
Many here seem to come together. Maybe some of it is true love, maybe it's the magic and unrealism of this place but whatever it is something binds all of us together, some closer than brothers. I don't deny that I flirt a lot. That's just me. I'm not sure why I do it but being here is like a drug, making me more hyper than I normally am.
I remember clearly the first time I saw Sean. I knew then that I wanted him for myself. It wasn't just that he was handsome, blond haired and green eyed; he is just that, but then practically anyone of this cast is like taken out of some teenage girl's wildest fantasy. No, it wasn't just his looks. It was that he was a contradiction. On film, and yes, I've seen some of them... I'm British so that says it all. But anyway, on film he normally plays secure and dominating men. However, in reality he's shy, often quiet though kind and with an easy laugh. It only helped me further that he had just gone through his third divorce, leaving him open and more vulnerable than he might otherwise have been.
Seducing him wasn't that hard. He obviously needed someone and wanted me as much as I wanted him. He was insecure, but let me come closer. I wasn't really all that surprised when I found out he had never been with a man before me. His guilt over the fact that I was a man was admittingly a bit fun for me to watch in the beginning. However as the cast in general began to show relationships of all kinds, also homosexual ones, he seemed to relax back into the illusion we have here, the unreality of it all.
It's not that I haven't lead in this game before but my looks normally make any man I'm with want to take control. With Sean it was different. He was vulnerable, a bit sad, lonely and he didn't know what to do; didn't know how to take control and I'm not sure he wanted to. However it's rare that someone has given me that kind of power as Sean gave me over him and never has that power held that long. It was intoxicating to will such power. Sean's very insecure in his love, afraid people will leave him. I don't think he was this giving with any woman, but after all his failures in love I can understand his insecurity.
I read somewhere that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. I find that's true. Sean's surrender to me made me want to use the power he had given me, bend it all I could. At first I wasn't even aware I was doing it. I never hid the fact that to me this wasn't forever, it was just here and now. I gave no vow, but as time passed I began to wonder if he had given me his regardless and I found I liked that thought of having such power over him and my own reaction made me angry. I showed him he didn't own me; I flirted with others and found a hidden pleasure at the flash of pain in his eyes. Yet when I returned to him, guilt ridden and remorseful, he wouldn't let me apologize, but just said it was all right and we shouldn't talk more about it.
I don't want to hurt him, but his surrender, his addiction to me is like a drug and together with everything else it makes me feel high... almost like a God at times. After all here I am, on the break of my life, getting what many of the others have worked for all their lives... and I get it before I'm barely out of school. At times the thought that I'm better than them hits me, but I bury it deep down. However, it's still there and when fueled with Sean's surrender, his addiction... Hell, half this cast and crew and then some want to fuck me so the feeling of power comes easily.
I knew I hurt him tonight. I flirted more than usual, was more direct and missed our appointment. I knew he'd keep it, wait for me... it made me feel trapped between guilt and pleasure. I'm pretty sure Vig is with him now. He normally is when Sean goes down one way or another. I'm no fool; I know Viggo wants Sean and it makes me smile to know that he's all mine. Me, so much younger and lesser known than him... I have something he wants... I have more power over Sean than he has.
However, the guilt at hurting Sean is tearing inside me now though I remind myself I did nothing wrong. We made no vow... it's not my fault he choose to give me one anyway.
I walk to Sean's house; I'm sure he's out cold from too much alcohol. That's his usual pain management. Again my feelings are conflicting. I'm happy to know he loves me enough to be so hurt, I'm glad to know I have the power to make him do this yet I'm angry with myself for feeling those things, ashamed for thinking them and I feel guilty for hurting him.
This is a dream, a fantasy. I remind myself that and get sucked back into the illusion. I know Sean will forgive me for this. I know he'll come back to me... he always does.
This is just a dream. No rules, no tomorrow... no guilt. This just is. No reason to stop and think, to analyze, to question... there are no rules... and no limits.
With a smile on my lips, I enter Sean's house. He'll forgive me, tell me he loves me, that he's sorry for whatever he did to make me choose someone else. He'll ask me to stay, beg me not to leave... tell me he loves me. I'll hold him, reassure him I'll stay tonight... but I'll never lie and so I'll never say I love you nor that this is forever or a true thing.
And the fantasy world will keep turning, I'll still feel like I'm walking on clouds, like I'm drugged and none of this is real yet it is. There are no rules here... there are no rules. The sky is the limit.
The sky is the limit!
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Story notes: For Carmen. For Holly. A million thanks to Natalie Richards for great beta and for being such an amazing friend. *hugs*
Chapter notes: Set during the filming of LOTR.
Chapter end notes: This never happened unless I have psychic powers and can change the past, present and future. Any likeness to real characters is all in your mind, nothing more. This is fiction, made up, never happened, not real... you want that in other languages as well? *LOL*
I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money off it. Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.