Beyond Dreams by Beckyboo

It had been almost a week since Elrond had left their lives. Erestor could hardly bring himself to eat or sleep. Everything he tried to eat he brought back up anyway and he had such nightmares the first night he slept that he wouldn't let himself sleep. He had also taken on most of Elrond's duties, silently working all day and most of the night. He still blamed himself entirely. He should never have taken Elrond out on that ride. Then the words Elrond had whispered as he passed. It was no real secret to his friends how Erestor felt about Elrond. But to know Elrond felt the same way...it was too much.

Erestor stared up at the ceiling of his empty chambers. He'd long since given up actually trying to sleep. Not only was he afraid of the nightmares returning but also it had been decades since he had actually slept on his own or even in this room. He had unofficially moved into Elrond's chambers while they had been lovers. Although the twins had assured him they wouldn't mind him sleeping in there now it still felt wrong. He had only returned once to take his belongings back to his own room. Once or twice since Elrond's death he had rolled over in bed expecting to curl around a warm body next to him. Each time he had been on the verge of sleep and had woken abruptly when he realized he was alone in bed. The nearest to sleep he could manage was to allow his body to relax for a couple of hours but this never left him feeling rested.

Sighing, he threw back the covers and stood up. A wave of dizziness overtook him and he slumped back onto the bed, holding his head in his hands, clenching his eyes shut as his sight unfocused. His breathing was too fast and shallow He knew he was fading, wasting away slowly day by day until there was nothing left of him. The twins had each other, Arwen had fled to Valinor to find her mother, unable to cope with the loss of both her parents from Arda, and he was alone in his pain. Dying over his lost love. The dizzy spell gradually passed and he dressed in his black robes. Always black now, it suited him and he no longer felt he could wear anything of colour. Pulling his comb through his hair he glanced up to the shattered mirror willing himself not to hear the whispers of Elrond's last words that followed him. He had smashed the mirror a few days before when he thought he'd seen Elrond behind him.

"Erestor..." The voice whispered behind him.

"Leave me, please." He pleaded.

"Melamin." Always the same words, every morning when he combed his hair. He wondered if madness was a symptom of fading. Throwing down the comb he left his chambers. He didn't bother braiding his hair now. Elrond had gifted him with a clasp to hold his braids. He couldn't bear to touch it now, let alone put it in his hair.

He made his way slowly to the study; even walking that short distance left him exhausted and out of breath. He didn't even bother going to the dining hall for breakfast. He hardly ate, only what either of the twins practically forced down his throat. They were lucky if that stayed down. The twins were coping; they had Glorfindel to support them. The three of them barely spoke to him now and he rarely saw them. He took that as proof of his guilt. So he worked away quietly, waiting to die.

Groaning, he reached the desk and saw how much work there was waiting for him. Half of it was what he couldn't finish yesterday; his concentration wasn't as good as it had been. He collapsed onto the chair, trying to catch his breath. Eventually managing to calm down his breathing, he reached for the first piece of parchment and began to work his way through.

A few hours later he had done all he could manage and his thoughts began drifting back to Elrond...

It was a winter's night, cold even for Elves. Erestor smiled as he wrapped his cloak around his body and headed for Elrond's chamber. Elrond had invited Erestor to his chambers for some mulled wine and conversation, which would no doubt last several hours. They had begun to spend more and more of their free time sat together in front of Elrond's fire, talking through the night. Erestor had begun to look forward to their evenings together but he always felt as though something had been left unsaid. As had become usual, he didn't knock and pushed open the door. Elrond was waiting in front of the fire with the wine already warmed.

"Good evening, meldir." He said as he sat down on the furs and accepted a mug of mulled wine.

"It is, Erestor." Replied Elrond. "With your company, the evening is always good." He continued seeing Erestor's raised eyebrow.

"You flatter me Elrond!" He had said laughing but Elrond had just smiled.

They did talk for a good few hours, just as Erestor had expected. Midnight soon approached, which had become the unofficial end to their talks. Erestor went to stand but Elrond put his hand over his. The touch was warm and Erestor instinctively curled his fingers around Elrond's. With his other hand, Elrond cupped Erestor's cheek and slowly leant forward. Erestor met him in the middle and, almost cautiously, their lips met. The kiss was over almost as soon as it started but it left no doubt as to what had remained unsaid between them.

"Stay with me Erestor." Elrond had whispered.

"Always." He had whispered back. And he had. After that night, he never spent another in his own room.


The door of the study opened quietly and Elrohir poked his head through the doorway. Erestor was asleep as he always was at lunchtime when he brought him some food. He left the tray on a side table and left quietly.

Erestor opened his eyes. He was laid on his back looking up at the stars. He hadn't done that for far too long. He felt carefree. He became aware of a presence next to him.

"Elrond..." The name fell from his lips. Elrond smiled at him. The smile seen too rarely and the smile that had made Erestor fall head over heels in love with him. Erestor couldn't help himself and smiled back. Elrond took his hand and kissed the back of it causing Erestor to laugh. Elrond bent down and gave a quick kiss to Erestor's lips. Erestor looked on, shocked. In the back of his mind, he knew this was a dream, but that had felt far too real. Erestor brought the fingertips of his other hand to his lips, still able to feel Elrond's lips on his. But why did Elrond look so sad?

"Erestor." Elrond said, pain evident in his voice. Erestor turned round to look at him. "Please wake up."

Erestor woke up with a jerk. It took him a moment to work out where he was and he looked around panicked.

"Easy Erestor, you were asleep." Said Elladan, putting a hand on Erestor's shoulder.

"I was asleep?" He asked.

"We think you were dreaming." He looked down at the floor.

"You were calling for ada." Said Elrohir, not taking his eyes off Erestor.

"A dream?" He whispered to himself. He touched his fingertips to his lips. He was sure he could still feel the kiss. He stood and turned to the window. "Only a dream." He said, bowing his head.

The twins looked on sadly. They knew about the relationship between their father and Erestor. It was no real secret and it was obvious that they had been in love with each other. As it was obvious how much Erestor was now suffering.

"Will you be alright, meldir?" Asked one of the twins behind him. Without looking, he couldn't be sure of which one.

"I will be fine." He lied. The twins left the study and Erestor to his grief.
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