Hobbit Quilt by Estel Baggins

It was only their second night out of Rivendell, but tensions were high inside the Fellowship. Everyone felt them, but perhaps the hobbits, who were used to being able to talk freely, had the clearest sense of the negativity around them. So it was, with an eye for mischief and for changing the mood that Pippin suggested they all play Hobbit Quilt.

Aragorn coughed into the hand he'd lifted to light his pipe. "I'll play," he offered.

"What is Hobbit Quilt?" Boromir asked.

"It's just a game," said Pippin. "Strider knows all about it. It's great fun, isn't it?"

"I enjoyed it very much," Aragorn responded, finally managing to light his pipe.

Legolas shrugged. "I will play."

"As will I," Gimli added.

Legolas shot him a dirty look. "You don't want to be outdone, Dwarf?"

Gimli glared.

Gandalf was drawing thoughtfully on his pipe. "I will also play. Since the hobbits know the most about this game, I suggest they start."

Pippin asked, "Truth or dare, Merry?"


"I dare you to walk like an elf."

Aragorn heard Boromir mutter, "Sounds innocent..."

'You have no idea,' the Ranger thought, hiding a smile.

Merry got up and started walking lightly, daintily, around the fire. When he got back to his place, the hobbits clapped politely. Aragorn joined in.

Merry looked to Frodo.

Frodo spoke without the question. "Truth."

"Does Legolas look male or female?"

'Ouch!' Aragorn thought. 'They aren't wasting as much time! I guess they think they have a captive audience... which is true enough.'

Frodo asked, "Which part?"

Aragorn and Gandalf both choked on their pipe-smoke.

"I meant his face, you filthy hobbit!"

"He looks male."

Aragorn risked a look at Legolas, and saw that the prince was hiding his face discreetly with his cloak.

"Sam?" Frodo invited.

"Dare, Master Frodo."

"I dare you to say something un-flattering about elves."

'Calming down again,' Aragorn noted. 'What are they playing at? And when are they going to stop harassing Legolas? Though, I have to admit, I like seeing him this way; not so stiff and a little off-balance.'

"Master Frodo, I don't want to be rude!" Sam protested.

"It doesn't have to be rude, Sam," Frodo soothed, "just not something that tells how great they are."

"I can help you there!" Gimli exclaimed.

"It's not your turn," Merry told him calmly.

"Elves... um... their hair is too clean and too perfect!" Sam cried, flustered.

"Olay," Frodo said, "that's good enough... for now. I might ask you again later, though. Your turn."

"Truth or dare, Strider?"

Aragorn considered for a moment. 'Would they ask me to strip again? Hopefully not this early in the game. They have to work up to it... I hope.' "Truth." 'Just in case.'

"Do elves have special techniques for keeping their hair clean?"

Aragorn raised an eyebrow. "No, it's just the way the Valar made them." 'All right, now I'm the one off-balance. When is this going to get bad? Wait. I can determine at least the next question.' Aragorn scanned the Fellowship, wondering who his target would be. 'I think Legolas has had enough for the moment, and Gimli is looking a bit too smug.' "Gimli, truth or dare?"

"Dwarves do not fear dares. I will choose that."

"Then they fear truth?" Legolas grumbled.

Aragorn forestalled Gimli's retort. "I dare you to compliment Legolas's hair."

Gimli gaped. "What?" he roared.

"You heard me," Aragorn returned blithely, thinking, 'It's not the amusing little distraction I wanted, but all of us are going to have to learn to live with one another. Maybe next time I'll get a chance to make it worse.'

"Why is everything related to me or to elves?" Legolas demanded suddenly.

Merry explained the rules, and Legolas subsided.

"Well, Gimli?" Aragorn prompted. "We're all waiting. The game can't go on until you answer. We don't want a hole in our quilt."

"His... hair... is... like a crystal shining in sunlight." Gimli humphed and folded his arms. Then he grinned evilly. "Elf, truth or dare?"

Legolas shrugged. "Dare."

"Remember, it has to relate to-" Merry began.

"I dare you to say something nice about dwarves," Gimli growled, obviously satisfied that Legolas wouldn't be able to do so.

"Dwarves are..." Legolas cast around, his eyes moving from face to face, as if for something to end his sentence. "They're..." His eyes fell on Gimli's axe. He stared, for the first time, at the intricate writings on the handle and on the blade itself. His voice changed slightly, becoming softer with awe, "They are great craftsmen."

Gimli stared openly, then grunted, "True."

Legolas looked to Boromir. "Truth or dare?"

Boromir considered. "Dare."

"I dare you to say something nice about Aragorn."

Frodo, Merry and Pippin groaned.

'You'll get your chance soon enough,' Aragorn was tempted to tell them.

Boromir grimaced.

"You'll be punished if you don't," Frodo told him. He sounded slightly bored.

"He does a very good imitation of a man, considering he isn't one."

Aragorn's eyes flashed, but he held himself back as Frodo informed Boromir, "You will now be punished unless you change your words." He rose, as did the other hobbits. They were all grinning like fools, their boredom suddenly forgotten.

Boromir, perhaps intimidated, perhaps not, spoke again. "He is an excellent tracker."

The hobbits sat, looking slightly disappointed.

Boromir looked to Gandalf, and the wizard answered, "Dare."

"I dare you to... to tell an embarrassing secret about Aragorn."

Gandalf frowned.

"Is that fair?" Pippin asked.

"Yes, because it's still related to the last question by talking," Frodo answered.

"Aragorn... is a virgin."

"No I'm not!" Aragorn cried immediately.

Boromir laughed at him. "How would we know if you were telling the truth?"

"Because he's been with me!" Legolas growled. "When he was a young Ranger."

Sam said quietly, "An elf wouldn't lie."

Boromir frowned, and looked to Gandalf, who sighed. "I was hoping to spare you shame, Aragorn. You see," he said to the Fellowship at large, "Aragorn doesn't have many embarrassing secrets, so I thought I would make one up. But if you need a real one... Aragorn, while drunk, tried to have sex with me. He was so far gone he thought I was Arwen."

The hobbits howled with joy.

"Now-" Frodo snickered- "Gandalf, you get to-" peal of laughter-"ask Boromir a question..." Chuckle, sputter. "We're going to return along the reverse path, like they do with shuttles," he said to Sam, who was just about to ask.

Aragorn wasn't paying attention at first as Gandalf asked Boromir and Boromir answered- he was too embarrassed- but he heard Boromir's question to Legolas. "We've decided you look male, but are you?"

"How does that relate to talking?"

"It's drawing on an answer."

The hobbits held a quick discussion, then Frodo, who had appointed himself judge, said, "All right. Go ahead, Legolas."

Legolas rose and drew up his tunic and dragged his leggings down so that his golden elfhood was revealed to all of them. He let them gape for a few moments, then he pulled his clothing back into place and sat down. He managed to look dignified despite what he had just done. "Truth or dare?" he asked Gimli.

The dwarf was still staring. He swallowed, then said, "Dare."

"I dare you to repeat this phrase: 'I love pink because I am a gay dwarf.'"

Gimli opened his mouth to roar, was unable to make a sound, and closed his mouth again. He glared mutely at Legolas for a moment, then sighed. "I love pink because I am a gay dwarf," he grumbled, but everyone heard him. Gimli hadn't wanted to have to repeat himself.

The hobbits were rolling on the ground in hysterics. Gimli turned to Aragorn to distract himself. "Well?"


"Which members of this Fellowship have you seen stark naked, and did you like what you saw?"

"That's not fair- it has two parts!" Aragorn cried.

"There is double-stitching," Frodo answered, sniggering.

"I've seen Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf and Legolas naked."

"And?" the dwarf prompted. "Tell us about each one."

"I, well, there isn't much not to like about Legolas..."

Splutter. Snort.

"And Gandalf wasn't as wrinkly as I thought he would be..."

"That's not an answer, though good information," Boromir told him.

"I, um, I guess his body is better than many I've seen... Yes, I liked it... And I liked Pippin's round hobbit-ass when he shoved it in my face... I liked Frodo's ass, though it was quite a bit narrower than I thought it would be... and Merry's was round like a peach, and a little pink with one, too, which I liked..." He groaned and buried his head in his hands as the hobbits- even though they had been "told about"- crowed. Gimli was pointing at Legolas and chuckling to himself.

Aragorn asked Sam, "Truth or dare?" His voice shook a little- part of him wanted to laugh at himself.

"Dare, Strider."

'Now's my chance to get back at them a little,' Aragorn thought, and his smile was positively evil. "I dare you to wrestle-kiss Frodo." 'Wrestle-kiss' was a shortened form of tongue-wrestle-kissing, known to all hobbits, men, elves, dwarves and wizards.

Sam turned the red of a cherry, then looked at Frodo, who smiled a little. "It's okay, Sam; I don't mind. I might even..." Now he, too, was blushing "like it."

Sam got up, as though that was all the encouragement he needed. He came to Frodo, knelt down in front of him and they leaned towards each other, their lips parted. Everyone was staring raptly at the pair. Merry and Pippin had unknowingly grasped hands, and they all waited, scarcely breathing.

The kiss deepened for a moment, then Sam pulled away, blushing. He'd kissed Frodo twice in the last month- was this a relationship yet? He doubted it... and yet, Frodo's eyes were closed as if with pleasure, and the older hobbit let out a soft sigh.

Sam, shaking a little, returned to his place and sank to the ground. "Okay, um, Mister Frodo, which would you like?"

Pippin hissed to Merry, "A blowjob or a more raucous fucking?"

Merry choked on nothing and clapped his hands over his mouth. Only Legolas heard the comment, with his sensitive elven hearing, and he smiled secretly to himself.

"I'll take truth."

Sam, who had been looking for a chance to ask this, since he hadn't had enough courage to get into the river with the other hobbits ('damn my fear of water!'), asked, "So, um, how hairy is Strider's private place?" He blushed at the old term, but couldn't think of a better way to say it.

There was another stunned silence. Gandalf reflected that he rather enjoyed these moments where everyone's face was completely unguarded; he learned a lot in those moments.

Frodo smiled slowly, and then his eyes gleamed. "He is hairier than any hobbit I've ever seen, but the hair is mostly soft. It's the same color as the hair on his head, but not so greasy. Even when I went to wash there, I was amazed how clean it was, compared to the rest of him. He must value his manhood very highly."

"Well, no one wants an infection there, do they?" muttered Pippin.

Most of the Fellowship was looking at Aragorn, who was trying unsuccessfully to light his pipe. His hands were shaking, and his eyes were fixed on something only he could see.

"All right, Merry, truth or dare?"

Merry looked away from Aragorn and answered, "Dare."

"I dare you to kiss Strider where you washed him."

'And suddenly, I am the center of the stitching instead of Legolas.' Aragorn groaned inwardly. 'I was a fool to think it wouldn't come to this. I think the hobbits have found their favorite guinea pig. Ai, Halbarad, if you could see me now...'

Merry jumped up and ran over to Aragorn. "Take your pants down," he ordered. "You can leave your underwear on, though."

Aragorn, helpless, obeyed, and Merry kissed him up and down his thighs.

"Look, he's hard!" Pippin trumpeted.

"Which one?" Frodo asked.


Merry ceased and drew away. Aragorn yanked his pants back up and huddled into himself a little. His pipe lay, forgotten, on the ground beside him. Before now, only the Rangers had been able to throw him so off-balance. 'Well, now it's only the Rangers, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf and the hobbits... there's still hope.' The future King of Gondor moaned.

"Okay, Pip, truth or dare?"


"Do whatever you want to Strider, but it has to last at least thirty seconds."

Pippin leapt up and rushed to Aragorn. "Lay down."

'I'm not going to have sex with you!' Aragorn wanted to cry, but he found that Pippin was already forcing him down. 'Am I about to be assaulted by a hobbit?' The thought was both frightening and exciting.

But Pippin surprised him again. "I need your help," he said to the other hobbits. "Hold his arms and lets."

Merry grabbed Aragorn's wrists and dragged them above his head. Frodo and Sam shoved Aragorn's legs together and sat on them. Pippin pulled Aragorn's shirt up and began to mercilessly tickle him.

"No-" gasp "Pippin, puh-puh-please-" laugh "stop- enoughfffffff-!" screech "please-nay-disisssst! Aaaaaahhhh!"

At last, the hobbits released him. Aragorn sat up hastily and drew his knees to his chest. All four hobbits were grinning at him.

"Now what?" Legolas asked amidst the hobbit-giggles.

"Now," gasped Frodo, "like choosing a color, we each get to chose someone to ask, instead of following the pattern." He smiled kindly at Aragorn. "And since you've been taking the worst beating- aside from Legolas-"

'Worse than Legolas,' Aragorn thought.

"-you can go first."

Aragorn turned to Legolas. 'I've heard that there is something magical about a male elven kiss... but I need to conceal my curiosity.' "Truth or dare, Legolas?"

"Dare." The elf smiled stunningly at him. Aragorn couldn't completely read that expression.

"I dare you to kiss every member of the Fellowship."

Legolas shrugged. He considered the hobbits, who were nearest to him, for a moment, then stood. He knelt in front of Frodo, who whispered in Elvish, shocked, "Sun and rain!" which is a blessing in that language.

Legolas kissed him on the forehead.

Merry was next. He was almost as red as Sam, and he squirmed as Legolas knelt before him. His eyes shifted everywhere- once he looked down at Legolas's crotch, and he was briefly redder than Sam- except to Legolas's face.

The elf caught Merry's face gently in his hands, and bent closer. Merry released a soft whimper- of fear or pleasure- and jerked his head up. Legolas, who had tried to kiss his forehead, found himself kissing the hobbit's nose.

Merry moaned loudly and lost all the strength in his legs. He collapsed in a half-sitting, half-kneeling position and could be heard to murmur as Legolas moved on to Pippin, "He's so soft, like a fleece blanket and warm as a mug of hot mead."

Pippin stood quite straight and thrust out his chest. "Hi, Legolas." His voice quavered a little.

"Hello, Pippin." Legolas smiled and asked, "May I kiss you?"

"Can I see what you taste like?" Pippin asked boldly.

Legolas nodded amiably enough. "All right." He kissed Pippin on the mouth, though his lips were quite firmly closed.

Pippin gasped when they had parted, "You taste like mushrooms!"

"To you I do," Legolas answered cryptically.

The first two hobbits howled. "We want to know if you really taste like mushrooms!"

Legolas laughed and returned to them. He kissed Merry first, then Frodo. "Well?" he asked.

"You taste like mead," said Merry.

"Nay, pipeweed from the Southfarthing!" Frodo contended.

Legolas grinned, then went to Sam. The poor hobbit was muttering, "My old Gaffer would have a thing or two to say about this... his son getting into kissing Elves... males Elves at that..." He looked up and found Legolas right in front of him.

"Sam, I can kiss your forehead," Legolas suggested kindly.

Sam hesitated, thought about the different tastes the others had gotten, and tried to sound bold as he said, "I'd-I'd like to taste... I mean kiss... if you take my meaning, I'd like to-"

Legolas bent forward and kissed him on the lips.

Sam staggered back, then fell on his bum with a little cry. "Like a spring morning would taste if you could taste instead of smell it, if you take my meaning..." He sat then, quite silent and entranced, grinning dazedly at the world.

Legolas went next to Boromir, who blushed a little, then stood to meet him. "Just the cheek," he said rather stiffly.

Legolas nodded solemnly and made as if to kiss him there. Boromir moved at the last moment and their lips met. Boromir backed away, looking almost as dazed as Sam. "You taste of..." He shook his head. "But that's impossible."

Legolas reached up, caught the man's face in both of his hands and kissed him a second time. "Are you still in doubt?"

Boromir shook his head. "No," he breathed. But he wouldn't say what Legolas tasted like.

Legolas pulled a face as he looked at Gimli. He glanced at Aragorn. "Must I?"

Aragorn nodded, and waved a hand towards Gimli. "He won't bite," the Ranger added in Elvish.

Legolas stood for a long time in front of Gimli, and the dwarf at last asked, "Are you afraid, Elf?"

Legolas almost answered, "No, I'm disgusted," but he sensed the disapproval this would win him from Aragorn. And because he was interested in Aragorn...

"No, I'm just deciding where a dwarf would want to be kissed."

Gimli frowned. "Kiss my lips if you're not afraid."

Legolas bent slightly at the waist and kissed Gimli squarely on the lips.

There was a long, stunned silence as Legolas straightened and resisted the urge to wipe his mouth. He felt every eye upon him.

Gimli gaped for a moment- he hadn't really expected Legolas to be able to swallow his pride and actually kiss him- then he said, gruffly, "You kiss well." He looked embarrassed. "You taste of good dwarf-brew." He sat back down and became preoccupied with a blade of grass.

Legolas was startled, then he smiled. He turned to Gandalf and kissed him quickly. The wizard nodded, muttered, "Dessert of the Sun," and then smiled slightly at Legolas, who was hesitating in front of him. "Go ahead," the wizard breathed.

Legolas looked at Aragorn, and saw that the Ranger had risen. Aragorn held out a hand. "You can kiss my hand if you want," he said, misinterpreting Legolas's hesitation. (Frodo, who had developed quite an interest of his own in Strider, saw that the Ranger looked slightly hurt, and he was about to say something when Legolas stepped closer to Aragorn, caught his chin and kissed him.)

The kiss was long- long enough for Aragorn to bring his arms around Legolas's waist and draw him deeper. When at last they parted, Legolas was the one to look stunned. "You taste of Mirkwood- of the wild places and the good company there."

Aragorn smiled. "There is just enough elf in my blood to make that possible- but only an elf can detect it, I think." This was a lie; it was detectable by any that chose to kiss him, but the Ranger didn't necessarily want every member of the Fellowship coming over to see what he tasted like. Changing the subject, Aragorn added, "And you taste of Rivendell; the wine my brothers brew, the good stories, the long nights in the Hall of Fire." He blinked, realizing that he'd been completely inside the memory of Legolas's kiss, and asked, "Who's next?"

"Me," said Legolas, whose eyes were gleaming. "I dare everyone to kiss Aragorn. You'll find it an... educational experience."

"No," Aragorn moaned.

Everyone stared at him. The hobbits were grinning, but slowly their smiles faded.

Gandalf sensed that Aragorn's honor- which could usually be stomped on, spit at, and kicked about, was wearing thin at last. He held up a hand. "Perhaps that's all for tonight."

The hobbits made tiny noises of disappointment, but didn't press it. They got up, fetched their blankets, and curled together near the fire. Their whispers could be heard, but not the words they said to each other as the moon peeked over the horizon. Boromir got up and stalked off by himself. He looked bitterly disappointed. Gimli continued to sit, and he lit his pipe so he could smoke, but he turned his back on the fire and stared into the darkening woods.

Legolas gazed at Aragorn for a moment, then murmured in Elvish, "I didn't mean to embarrass you."

Aragorn shook his head, disgusted with himself, and answered in like kind. "I'm fine; I didn't mean to speak out. We can continue the game."

"No," said Gandalf. "You have done enough for one night, my friend. Go to bed. And take Legolas with you."

The two stared at the wizard, who turned his back on the fire and puffed on his pipe- he was the only one who had been able to keep it lit.

Then Legolas stood, walked to Aragorn's side, and touched his shoulder. "It might help you to sleep," he whispered.

Aragorn considered the beauty before him, his own roiling emotions, and nodded. He rose gracefully and the two disappeared into the trees. When they made love, so wrapped in each other, they didn't notice that the entire Fellowship watched.
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