It is the year 99 of the Third Age. The forces of Sauron were defeated a little more than 100 years ago. The same year, the same day, even, that my world first fell apart in front of me.
Today. Today I will confess. I am called the far-seeing, but not even I can foresee what will come of this. I had always thought that there is but one in all of this land that I love, and she would be the sea, but I was proven wrong. I fell in love with another, almost against my will. He, that's right, he, is so much younger than I. At least the sea is older. I feel strange loving someone that much younger.
People call me the wisest. Is that so? If so, why am I not able to make up my mind over one small 'boy'? But I will confess, although I am not sure of my feelings myself. What does it mean to be in denial? How does one know if they are? Is that what is happening to me?
The strangest thing is, I know he loves me back, and yet I am still cowardly about it. It took him a long time to get over Isildur, the man. I am still not sure if he even is over him, and of course, he will never be entirely over him. I was never quite sure what my secret love saw in that man. He was just like the rest, although maybe a small bit more Elf-like, but that would only be because of his ancestry. Oh, yes, did I mention that my love is related to Isildur, the one he loved until just recently (at least by Elvish standards). My love, Elrond Half-elven.
Desperate for changing,
Starving for truth,
Yet. . . I have loved before, other than my one true love, the waters of the sea. But he is now dead. And I have turned to his Herald, in the space of a few hundred years. Iluvatar, and I really such a whore? But. . . no, Gil-galad is dead now, killed by the hands of Sauron himself. My only real regrets from those times are these; First of all, that I did not get to slay Sauron myself for killing the one I loved, and second for not getting to say goodbye. . . The last time I ever saw my King was before I got split up with him, right before Sauron first came out into daylight and took over for his Orcs and other foul creatures. Until that point I had fought beside him tirelessly. Now, whenever I think back on that time, I feel waves of guilt, and think about how I might have been able to stop it had I been there, I might have been able to avert the death of my comrade and my King. But, alas, it was not to be, and I have a feeling that I would not have been able to stop it anyway.
And there he is. . . Elrond. . . 'Star-dome', huh? How fitting. He is so like a star. Brilliant and bright, but like all stars, he will eventually die out and lose his potency. But that shall not be for a long, long while. I am finding myself frozen in mid-stride. It doesn't seem that he notices me. He must be incredible preoccupied. I am getting no where this way. . . I had resolved to talk to him. . .
I sigh in resolve and take a step closer.
Closer where I started,
Chasing after you,
He still doesn't notice me. . . Damn it, does he have any idea at all just how hard he is making this for me? Once again, I start to feel my courage slipping, and I make a mental grab at it with shaky fingers. I hold onto a few scraps, but just as a succeed in getting a hold of them, he turns around, and they fall again. I feel myself following after, falling into the dark abyss known as fear.
"Cirdan? You frightened me! I didn't even heard you approaching. To wrapped up in my own thoughts, I guess." he says, that voice of his making me almost take a step back, but I was frozen to the spot. Then resolution took over for my courage, and I step up beside him, only taking three strides. The view from the balcony is beautiful, almost as much as the Lord of Imladris next to me. We stand in a comfortable silence for a moment, and finally he speaks.
"What is it Cirdan? You must be here for something." His voice sends shivers down my spine, and in the one moment, one which I will never forget, and forever regret, I decide to throw away everything I have ever worked to hide, for naught but a hope, a dream, a wish.
I'm falling even more in love with you,
Letting go of all I've held onto,
I don't speak for a moment, uncomfortable with the way that Elrond is staring at me, with those eyes piercing my flesh. Everything about him makes me feel strange. . . and I want to say that it's unnatural, but really, I know that it isn't. Finally, I open my mouth to speak,
"Yes, Lord, I did come here to tell you something very important." I say, hoping that my voice is as steady as I want it to be. To my surprise, he chuckles a little, and then shakes him head back and forth ever so slightly.
"Cirdan, so need to be so stiff and formal with me. We are friends, remember? And drop the 'Lord'. To you I am simply Elrond. Remember, you are many times older than me. Now, out with it. What is it you need so badly to say?" I swallow deeply, trying to rid myself of the lump that has formed in my throat. It does not go away.
"This is so hard for me to say, Elrond. Please promise me you will not laugh." Elrond grew suddenly serious, as if he guessed what it was that I needed to tell him.
"I could never laugh at you, my friend. Now, please, tell me what's wrong." he said sternly. I gulp once again, and opened my mouth to speak.
"Elrond, son of Earendil, brother to Elros, I. . . Oh, Iluvatar, I love you. . . Please do not hate me, for I do not think I could bare it. But, oh Lord, I love you. . ." and as I say this, I sink to my knees, so I am staring up at him. I feel tears come to my eyes as I fear his reaction, but I do not let them fall. I must be strong.
I'm standing here until you make me move,
I'm hanging by a moment here with you,
Elrond takes a step backwards, his mind reeling. He knew that he had expected this, but it was still a shock to him. Really, had he not heard it, he would have never expected Cirdan, the lonely Shipwright of all people to love anybody. Sure, he had heard rumors about Cirdan and Gil-galad, and he had known that they had fought side by side, and he had even noticed an unusual fondness between them, he had dismissed it as just very good friendship. He would never have expected him, of all the Elves in Middle-earth, to be gay. . .
And now Cirdan is looking expectantly and Elrond. His eyes filled with many emotions, not the least of which is hope, fear, anticipation, and even regret. But. . . what do I say? How do I tell him what I know must be said? How do I deny myself of my own feelings? Elrond was full of inner turmoil. He did not respond more than opening and closing his mouth several times, like a fish out of water.
Cirdan, seeing that he was not getting a response, then did something entirely unexpected.
Forgetting all I'm lacking,
Completely incomplete,
I'll take your invitation,
You take all of me,
Cirdan stood up, as swift as the raging sea which he knew so well, and grabbed a hold of Elrond's shoulders, pressing his lips against those of Elrond. The Elven-king shuddered for a moment, before squeezing his eyes shut tightly. Then he relaxed, giving into hidden feelings which he kept hidden deep inside of him, and he kissed back. Cirdan felt him doing so, and almost sighed. He ran his tongue against the other's lips, until Elrond admitted his tongue. Cirdan's hand started roaming low. . . Suddenly, the Elven-lord seemed to wake up as if from a dream. Elrond pushed Cirdan away sharply, and the Shipwright felt his dreams, that had just been an inch away from his grasp, slide away again, into the endless depths beyond.
Elrond gasped for breath. Cirdan didn't move. He just stood there where Elrond had shoved him, frozen to the spot. He just waited to see what Elrond would do next. Elrond made an attempt to run, his robes swirling out behind him. Cirdan moved quickly, stepping in front of him, his taller and more muscled body blocking the exit. Elrond almost ran straight into him, but the fact that he is an Elf saved him from the humiliation. He almost sobbed openly for the first time since his Lord, Gil-galad had dies right in front of him, giving him the ring as he died, wasting his last breath on someone whom he didn't have any real emotional attachment to.
Elrond has no idea what to do. Cirdan just stood there, giving no sign of response. But, when Elrond finally lost a tiny bit of control, and although his face remained expressionless, a single hot tear slipped down his cheek, before falling off when coming to his check, Cirdan crumbled. Not visibly, of course, he had way to many years of practice, but he turned and walked swiftly away, waiting until he was out of sight before running as fast as he could, which was considerably fast, to the far end of Imladris, to get as far away from Elrond as possible.
Now.. I'm falling even more in love with you,
Letting go of all I've held onto,
I can't believe I did that, after him just losing his former lover so soon! But. . . now that it has been done, I suppose I will just have to play it out. And he did respond to the kiss at first, right? Or was I just imagining it. . . Maybe there was some other reason why he pulled away. Oh, I just don't know what to do anymore!
I ran. Ran as fast and as silently as I possibly could, and faster. I was aware that he was not following me, and that alone shattered my hopes. I would try again tomorrow. Nothing would make me waver. I would be strong. He did respond. That thought poured just a little bit of curiosity into my crushed hopes. If he responded. . . doesn't that mean that he feels the same way back? Or it might mean that he thought you were Isildur. A nosy voice inside my head pestered me. No, no, no. Nothing could pull me away from what my task now was.
I'm standing here until you make me move,
I'm hanging by a moment here with you,
An black and aquamarine-hued butterfly flittered by me, riding on the soft night time breezes of the cool spring air. I look up as it passes by, then call it back. It flies back, circling around my head once before landing on my finger, so lightly that if I could not see it then I would not have believed it to really be there. But it is, and I speak to it, sounding much more calm than I feel.
"Little one. . . You are so lucky. You have not the worries and pain that I do. What are you doing here, gracing me with your beautiful presence?" The butterfly didn't answer me, but did not take off, either. I chuckled sadly.
"Go to him. He needs comfort, after what I have done to him. Who knows? One so young as him might be traumatized." I smile humorlessly. "Nay. It's not like he's never had a male lover before. . ." That thought stings my heart with jealousy, even though the man in question died, so many, many years ago. . . at the Gladden Fields.
The tiny insect twitters at me a bit, and takes off.
Funny. . . It's almost as though he understands me. He's headed right towards Elrond's room. . . I muse silently, before walking inside from the balcony, and wandering to my rooms.
I'm living for the only thing i know,
I'm running and not quite sure where to go,
I don't know what I'm diving into,
Just hanging by a moment here with you,
"And who are you?" asked Elrond as a tiny butterfly flew gracefully up to him, before landing on his outstretched finger. The butterfly twittered at him, as if trying to tell him something, then flies off of his finger, and inside the open door to the Lord's rooms.
"Hey! Wait! I can't allow a creature as beautiful as you to go and die indoors." Elrond started after the tiny insect, but was interrupted by his long time friend, Glorfindel.
"It is news to me, Lord, that you enjoy conversing with insects." he teased lightly, the butterfly perched on his hand. He seemed to realize exactly where it had come from, and who had sent it.
"Off with you!" he said, and shook his finger lightly, sending it off into the dark. His long, dark hair shimmered in the moonlight.
There's nothing left to lose,
Nothing left to fly,
"And when did you start invading your master's privacy?" Elrond asked, a little miffed that one he had trusted had been spying on him. Glorfindel seemed to blush a little, but Elrond dismissed it as a trick of the moon light.
"Sorry, Lord. I have a message to deliver. From the princess of Lothlorien."
"From the Lady Celebrian?" Elrond asked eagerly.
"Yes. She says that she will accept the marriage, and eagerly, from what I gathered, if you will." the light in Elrond's eyes seemed to fade.
"Aye, Glorfindel. I can not break her heart. Do me a favor, and run back to Lorien, and tell Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel that they can set a date for the wedding. However, my friend, you must be weary from riding all day long. Take a rest tonight before you leave again in the morning, okay?" Glorfindel nodded, and left quietly, after bowing ever so slightly to his Lord.
There is nothing in the world that can change my mind,
There is nothing else,
There is nothing else...
Sunlight streams through the large windows of my room, and I have to blink several times before my eyes get used to it. I get up, take a quick shower, and then get dressed. There is something I am forgetting, and I can't figure out what it is. . . Ah, that's it. . . But now I wish that I hadn't remembered what it was. . .
I slowly, ever so painfully slowly, walk to my door, but I open it to find the last person I would ever expect to find standing there, doing just that. Judging by the fact that he had his hand in a fist, and up in the air, he was about to knock when I opened the door. I blinked. He blinked back. Finally, I realized how stupid I must look.
"Ah! Don't just stand there, come inside!" I open the door wider so he can step inside. He seems to think about it for a moment, and then steps inside. I lead him over my bed, where he sits, and I sit in a chair across from him. We just sort of sit there for a moment in an uncomfortable silence.
"Umm. . ."
"I. . ." We both start talking at once, and quickly shut up. Then he tries again.
"I need to tell you something, Cirdan. You did not know of this before. Hardly anyone did, but considering what happened last night, I thought I should tell you right away." I felt both hopeful and scared at the same time.
Desperate for changing,
Starving for truth,
Closer where I started,
Chasing after you,
"Cirdan, the Lady Galadriel and the Lord Celeborn of Lothlorien have arranged for me to marry their daughter, Celebrian." I felt a knot grow in my throat, and swallowing did not help to get rid of it. Elrond continued. "Celebrian, I discovered, had urged them to do so, because at her last visit to Imladris, she apparently. . . fell in love with me. I hadn't even noticed her. Well, Glorfindel just came back from a visit to Lorien with news for me last night, right after you. . . left. He says that Lady Celebrian has accepted the arranged marriage, eagerly it seems, and wanted to know if I would do the same. I. . . I can't break her heart, I can't shatter her hopes. I can't toss aside her feelings. I accepted."
I was aghast. This couldn't be happening to me! Celebrian is very nice and beautiful, gorgeous really, and wise, to be sure, but I couldn't imagine her with Elrond! But. . . he did deserve better than me. . .
"I'm sorry, Cirdan, I just can't break her heart." Great. But what about my feelings? What about breaking my heart. My pride told me that I must try to make him mine once more, before I give up.
I'm falling even more in love with you,
Letting go of all I've held onto,
I'm standing here until you make me move,
I'm hanging by a moment here with you,
"Please, Elrond! You must understand. . . I. . . I. . ." Iluvatar, why are those simple words so hard to say, even in the times of the most desperate need? But I have to. . . A last stand for my pride. . . and for my heart. "Please, I love you!" All of a sudden, I hear him stiffen, as if he hadn't been expecting that. My hopes rise slightly. I am down on my knees in front of him. Imagine that. Cirdan, the great, the wise, the old, on my knees, in front of a mere child by Elf standards! What would Celeborn say?? But I have to! He is to important to me for me just to give up like that!
He bows his head slightly, breathing a little deeply. His eyes look a little watery from where I am sitting, but I am convinced it is only the light reflecting off them. Elrond would never cry. Finally, he opens his mouth to speak.
I'm living for the only thing I know,
I'm running and not quite sure where to go,
I don't know what I'm diving into,
Just hanging by a moment here with you,
"Cirdan, long have you been my friend, but you can be no more. Please, just accept this the way it is, and let us still be good friends? I really believe that I can learn to love Celebrian, and that we can have a life together, and I want to try, so please?" No! This can't be happening to me! I'd always thought I could get any Elf that I wanted because my easy going nature and 'good looks' was always dragging hordes of females around (of which I was not the least bit interested in.)
"Elrond, you don't really understand what it is like to be in love, do you?" I ask quietly. Suddenly, he stands up. He looks angry, and it takes me a little while to figure out why. When I do, I can feel myself paleing.
"How dare you say that! And in my home, no less!" Elrond said quietly, but it would have been so much better if he had just yelled, for the voice he used was one of pure resentment. "Remember Isildur! Or have you forgetted Gil-galad so soon as well?" I flinched.
"Of course I have not forgetten Gil-galad. You do not forget a lover for a very long time, Elrond. I am sure that you of all people would know that." He calms down slightly.
"I am sorry, Cirdan, but you insulted me. Thoughtlessly, of course, but still. . . I am sorry." My pride told me that I must make just one more try, and then I would give up. But one more try.
"Please Elrond, say that you love me also. I kow that you don't really love Celebrian. Please?"
Just hanging by a moment,
Hanging by a moment..
And yet, as this moment passes by, he does not respond again, but just stares at my face blankly.
"All right," I mumble, almost inaudibly, "I'll leave. I have to go anyway. The Sea calls be." And with that I turned and started on my way back to my first and only real love. I did not even notice the pained expression on his face as I turned to leave, nor the hand that stretched out as if to stop me, but then fell back.
Hanging by a moment...
Hanging by a moment here with you.
The following year, Elrond wed Celebrian, daughter of Celeborn and Galadriel. I received an invitation to their wedding, but found it to painful to see my love being wed to another. I did, however, visit them thirty nine years later, for the first time since I had confessed, in order to meet their new-born twin sons, Elladan and Elrohir. I did not stay long. It was to painful for me, and thirty nine years is but a blink of the eye to one as old as I. I did not visit them, also, when just a few years later, Celebrian gave birth to his daughter, named Arwen Undomiel. I did not even visit to try and console Elrond when Celebrian left to the Grey Havens after losing all purpose in life. Even now, I hang onto those precious moments right before I had confessed, thinking to myself, that I was never meant to find lasting love.
But then I remember.
I will always have the Sea.
And the Sea is my one true love.
The only one that will never abandon me. . .
And leave my heart to die a slow, painful death. . .
And when I think of that, the constant pain withers, though for but a moment.
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