Like Porcelain by Nadja Lee

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Story notes: 28/01/2002

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Timeline: Set within the 'LOTR: Fellowship Of The Ring' movie.

Universe: Movie. ONLY movie!

Sequel/series: Comparison piece to Like Steel

Thanks to Sorcieré for the Beta!

For J. Marie with love
I watch him. I can't help it. It's the way he moves, the way he turns his head, the way he talks, the way he walks... it's everything about him. He speaks to me in a way no one has ever done before; not even Arwen whom I love, whom I've known since childhood... and whom I will one day marry.

He has a grace, a kindness around him that spellbinds me. It's not just his flawless outer beauty. I was raised among Elves and I'm used to that. It's what inside, it's what I see in his eyes, what I read in his words.....what I feel when we touch.

My own desires are tearing me to pieces. I want to hold him, to kiss tell him I love him....but I can't. For Elves it is normal, it is natural to at least once during their Immortal life to take a lover of the same sex but not for humans. It is forbidden among humans. I was raised among Elves; I was raised as an Elf. For many years I never saw another human; for many years I didn't even know I was human. I felt different and my ears weren't like theirs but as a child it's not something you think too much about. Then with adulthood came reality and truth; I wasn't an Elf and I never would be. I could get ill, I could die... and I would. Humans lived by rules so much different from the ones I was raised by that I felt even more isolated. In my mind I knew I was human but my heart and thoughts remained Elvish. For years I refused to even learn the human language until I realized not knowing was a handicap I couldn't afford.

I was afraid of the human side in me. Afraid of its weakness. I learned that my human forefather hadn't had the strength to resist the ring... if he in his human greed had taken the ring, what would prevent me from doing the same? For so many years I felt like a fish out of water; not at home neither with humans nor with Elves. As a child my world had been perfect for I hadn't known reality but suddenly my world had turned from clear shades of white and black to a disturbing shade of gray which confused everything.

I went from one extreme to another; first I completely denied my human half and then I tried to do the opposite but found no peace with either. At last I accepted that I would always be something in between; a man caught between two worlds, two cultures... and two possible futures.

My father, Lord Elrond, expects to see nothing but the elvish side of me because to him humans are weak. Arwen wishes to see the carefree boy she fell in love with and not the angst ridden man I've become. Gondor seeks its human King; Boromir waits for me to prove myself worthy of that. The Hobbits want a protector, Gandalf wishes a successor, a hope for the future, Gimli seeks a leader... only you, Legolas, only you don't put a label on me. To you I'm everything and nothing. You accept me as I am. That is what I've looked for my entire life. It's everything I've ever wished for.

The question now is which side of me shall I listen to?

The human in me? My destiny tells me to be a human King and lead a human people. But it's my human side that worries me so; it's the human in me that are weak, that wants and desires the Ring. It's the human in me that tells me my feelings towards Legolas are wrong and forbidden. It is the human side in me that gives me sleepless nights wondering if I'm wrong somehow; if there's something wrong in me for having such feelings towards him?

Or should I listen to the Elf in me? The Elf in me wants to go to him, embrace him, tell him of my feelings and kiss him. The Elf in me can deny the Ring, the Elf in me can be free of much worry... My first memories are seen through the eyes of an Elf, my upbringing was that of an Elf. I speak and I act like an Elf. I can see beauty in Elves but I can't find the beauty in humans. No matter how beautiful a human woman is or how handsome a human man is I can't see it. My eyes are used to elvish beauty, perfect flawless beauty and none are more flawless than my prince... Legolas. He's like a work of art; he's like porcelain.

Like fine and rare porcelain... but I fear I might break him should I reach for him yet I'll fall to pieces if I don't.

Human or Elf... steel or porcelain...

What shall I be and what shall I choose? What shall I follow? My head or my heart?

Porcelain... just like fine porcelain...
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