Legolas gave a smug smile as he admired his perfect knitting, and looked around Elrond's waiting room to see if anyone else had noticed just how good it was. Drat, no one there he knew. He hoped to see a friend soon,as it was getting a trifle lonely attending Elrond's ante natal classes all by himself. He hoped to drag Elrohir along sometime, but the father of his child was far too busy and always had a ready excuse. He had better come along soon, thought Legolas grimly, or the birth would be rather a shock to the poor Elf's system. Legolas was determined that his mate should attend.
Just then Haldir shuffled quietly into the waiting room, bundled up from his head to his toes, followed by a vaguely bored Rúmil. Legolas smiled delightedly, and waved. At last someone he knew! "Haldir, Haldir! Come and sit by me!"
Mortified at being noticed, Haldir blushed all the way to the tips of his ears. He looked around desperately, praying to every Valar he could remember that nobody knew him. "SHHH!!" he hissed, sliding into an empty seat.
Rúmil rolled his eyes and slid into the seat next to him. "Honestly, Haldir...everyone will know soon enough."
Haldir's pregnancy had obviously affected his hearing, so Legolas got up, struggling a little out of his seat, and waddled over to the sulking galadhrim. "Haldir, didn't you see me wave?" he asked. "Never mind, I'll sit here"
Haldir grabbed Legolas' wrist and yanked him down to hiss in his ear. "Will you put a lid on it?!" Then, after an authoritative cough, he announced quite loudly, "I'm here to see Elrond about...erm...a terribly bad case of indigestion." To prove his point, he let fly a rather obnoxious belch. Rúmil grinned and shook his head
"Indigestion? Then why aren't you at the gastric clinic down the hall? This is the ante natal clinic...I'm pregnant!" said Legolas, proudly flaunting his large stomach.
"Ante natal?! Oh my, I should be elsewhere," Haldir remarked in feigned surprise as loudly as he possibly could. Other than a shush from the receptionist, no other Elf moved so much as an eyebrow. With supreme effort, he hauled himself to his feet only to find himself standing nose-to-nose with an irritated Rúmil.
"Oh, no you don't," his brother said, gently pushing him back down in the chair. "It took me all morning to find leggings that fit around your swollen belly. You aren't going anywhere."
Haldir opened his mouth to protest, but after a pointed glare from Rúmil, slumped back into his chair in defeat. "He's pregnant," said Rúmil, matter of fact.
"Oh goody!" said Legolas gleefully, "someone to talk to at last! This lot..." he said, nodding dismissively at the rest of the room's occupants, "...are so boring. So, who's the father?" he said gazing at Rumil expectantly.
"Ah...that's where things get a bit foggy..." began Rúmil until a warning growl from a darkly glaring Haldir silenced him.
Haldir cleared his throat and leaned closer to Legolas. "Actually, I've chosen not to identify the father yet. He's rather important, you see, and we've decided to make a formal announcement at a later time," he whispered, lying as smoothly as a new bearskin rug.
Legolas nodded in understanding. "So you don't actually know? That's a shame." He paused and added, "My little poppet's father is Elrohir. My Elrohir has been such a darling, dashing out and fetching me pickled onions and jellied eels at a moment's notice. 'Only the best for you, my love,' he says."
Haldir erupted like a volcano on a fault line. "I do SO know who the father is!!" he bellowed. Everyone in the waiting room turned to stare expectantly, and he found himself wishing he could lasso that outburst and snatch it back inside his own head.
"Oh you do? That's certainly news to me," commented Rúmil as he flipped through a terribly backdated issue of Galadhrim Monthly. "What is it with healers and out-of-date magazines? You'd think they could afford to purchase new ones..."
Haldir's eyes blazed holes through Rúmil, who blithely prattled non-stop. "You see...there was this party with lots of wine, exotic dancers and a visiting group from Gondor. We think the Ada may have been a dancer, but there's really no way to know till the Elfling pops out." Haldir blanched, yet onward Rúmil went, airing the family laundry. "We all wore masks, danced, kissed, fondled. All we know for sure is that the Elf in question had blonde hair and an ass you could serve cheese on...or so I've been told."
Legolas smiled sympathetically and patted Haldir's knee. "Poor you. It must be such a difficult time, and it must have been a dreadful shock to find yourself...er...'with child'," Legolas mouthed the last words as if no one had heard Haldir's outburst. "When did you find out? Elrohir noticed something was up first, when he thought I was putting on a bit of weight. 'Leggykins' he said (he calls me that in private) 'Leggykins, I think it's time you went on a diet.' He does look after me you know."
That comment brought a hint of a smile to Haldir's red face. "Well, at least I haven't lost my shape."
Rúmil's eyebrows nearly shot off of his forehead. "Have you seen yourself lately?" he barked incredulously. Without warning, he reached over and tugged open the heavy coat that Haldir had so carefully wrapped around his bloated body. The leggings were fighting a losing battle to contain the enormous belly that lolled out from under his tunic. Haldir blushed brightly and slapped at Rúmil's hand. "You look as if you have swallowed a melon.... a melon that took root and grew. Why, that's it! We'll call the little one, Melon!!" Rumil cried in delight.
Legolas sniffed haughtily. "At least I haven't let myself go. My bump is just perfect, neat and smooth. Not a stretch mark in sight. Elrohir said that it's quite...well...you know," said Legolas, blushing, " 'arousing' " he added in a whisper.
Haldir took one look at Legolas small bump and burst into tears. "It's not fair! I'm fat, my ankles are swollen...I can't even think about getting into my uniform...I have horrible indigestion, and oh, the insomnia!!" he wailed, throwing himself into Rúmil's arms.
"Hormones," mouthed Rúmil over Haldir's shaking shoulder. "He's an emotional rollercoaster."
Haldir sniffled and wiped his nose on the hem of his coat, a move that horrified Rúmil to no end. "Honey...wait here and I'll get you some tissue. And something to drink? Maybe some juice?"
Haldir dabbed at his eyes and nodded demurely. "Would you mind? You are the best brother, ever...I love you!!" Rúmil scampered out and quickly returned with a glass of orange juice and a box of tissues.
Legolas looked uncomfortable at Haldir's emotional display and opened his mouth to say 'Elrohir says' and then thought better of it. Instead he got out his knitting, hoping to distract the distraught elf. "Do you like these? They are booties. I am knitting pink and blue stripes, then it won't matter whether we have a boy or a girl."
"You are knitting?! Booties?! For Valar's sake, Legolas! That's something a female would do," huffed Haldir as he sipped his juice.
Rúmil patted his swollen belly affectionately and remarked, "I think we've already established that you have a bit of a feminine side, Haldir."
Rúmil's comment was rewarded by a slap to the back of his head. "I've seen the Elves you run around with," sniffed Haldir. "You had better pray this doesn't run in the family, or I will be sitting here with you in a few months."
Rúmil decided that perhaps he had said enough.
Legolas glared and looked at his booties proudly. "Elrohir said he LIKES the fact that I am in touch with my feminine side. And I like knitting. It gives me something to do while Elrohir is out on patrol...which I have to say is rather a lot lately," he added frowning.
Ahhh...now that was an interesting tidbit of information. "Patrolling? This time of year? Odd. I haven't heard of any orc sightings lately," Haldir cattily remarked while eyeing the booties with undisguised disdain. "Maybe he is busy chasing another sort of two-legged creature. The kind who enjoys a romp in the woods, perhaps?"
Rúmil stifled a giggle and added, "Yes, those twins used to really get around!"
Legolas looked hurt and put the knitting away. "At least I know who the father of my child is," he said. He stretched his legs out in front of him. "AND my ankles are still pretty."
Rúmil leaned over and examined one of the ankles that Legolas had daintily propped on the coffee table. "Ooh, they are still pretty! Look, Haldir! He's managed to reduce the swelling...what do you use? Ice?"
At that precise moment, Haldir clutched at his tummy and let loose a howl of pain. "Sweet Elbereth!"
"Haldir!" Rumil cried in alarm, ankles momentarily forgotten. "Is it here? Is the baby coming?" Impulsively, he lifted Haldir's tunic and began to tug at his leggings, earning him an especially brutal swat to the arm.
"NO!! I'm not having the baby! I don't have the necessary equipment!"
Rúmil blinked. "But it got up in there...how is it going to get out?"
"Elrond will cut it out."
"Cut it out?!" squeaked Rúmil. Suddenly he didn't feel so well.
Legolas looked scathingly at Rúmil. "Honestly, what else did you think?" He turned to Haldir. "Can I get you anything? Rub your back? My Elrohir does that for me, and it always helps. It's probably false contractions. I wouldn't worry about it."
Haldir pointedly ignored Legolas' offer of help and instead focused on his breathing. "Hee hee, hoo hoo, hee hee, hoo hoo."
Rúmil watched him with vague confusion. "So...let me get this straight. You can't birth the baby."
"No...hee hee, hoo hoo."
"But you are doing the breathing. And why the contractions? Are you sure you can't just, you know...push it out?"
Haldir stopped what he was doing and fixed a look of supreme annoyance on his face. "I'm absolutely certain. Other things come out down there, and babies are not one of them. When the time arrives, Elrond will cut open my belly and deliver the baby."
Rúmil's face coloured a delightful shade of green
Legolas grinned wickedly. "Oh yes, that's what happens. We were shown the diagrams at the last antenatal class, and I've read the birthing manuals. As a matter of fact, I've got one with me," he said, rummaging around in his large bag. "Here we are, look," he said, opening the book to a particularly realistic drawing.
Rúmil took one fleeting look at the diagram, covered his mouth and leapt to his feet. "Be back...mrrmph...." he called as he made a mad dash for the door.
"I hope he makes it in time," chuckled Haldir as he leaned back in his chair. "He means well, though he has no clue what goes into being pregnant," he admitted to Legolas, shifting a bit closer to the other Elf. "I mean...he gave me a book on baby names. What I really need is something to relieve leg cramps, or a cupboard full of chocolate covered pretzels."
"Oh I know!" said Legolas, "the cramps are a nightmare! I have found that a glass of warm milk before bed does help though. Have you tried that?" he said helpfully. "The pretzels I could do without, but an unending supply of gherkins...that would be just perfect!" Legolas giggled, "You know the chap over there has cravings for chewing raw garlic! It's certainly stopped HIS amorous activities!"
Haldir rolled his eyes and leaned closer still. "Yes, well...from what I hear, he didn't have many amorous activities anyway. Back hair. Ick," he said sagely. "How he got knocked up is a true mystery. I've been lucky as far as cravings go. Only pretzels and goat cheese...Oh, and sometimes smoked salmon, covered in fruit salsa. And, well, I do love peanut butter."
Rúmil tiptoed back into the waiting room, still looking somewhat iffy. Haldir smiled at him sweetly.
"What? What is it?" Rúmil asked, looking down at his uniform. "Did I dribble?"
"No, no...I'm just....would you mind terribly getting me some peanut butter biscuits from the vendor downstairs?" Haldir batted his eyelashes for added effect, and Rúmil wordlessly slunk back out into the hallway.
Legolas stared at Garlic Breath and winced. He leaned over and whispered, "Oooh, you see that Elf over there, the one with the rather fussy braids? Well, the word is that the father of HIS child is...." at this he whispered a name in Haldir's ear known to both of them, and then raised his eyebrows and nodded.
"Really?! That is a surprise! Orophin had a go with him one night and said...." Haldir leaned closer and wiggled his index finger in a droopy circle. "Let's just say he couldn't quite rise to the occasion."
Legolas sniggered.
Rúmil sauntered back in with a package of peanut butter biscuits, which he placed on the coffee table. Haldir promptly burst into tears.
"What is it now?" asked Rúmil, somewhat annoyed. "I went all the way back downstairs to get you these sodding things...."
"I know!" sobbed Haldir, crushing his brother in a tight embrace. "It's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me."
Rúmil winced and rolled his eyes at Legolas. "Emotional disaster," he mouthed.
Legolas frowned at Rúmil. "You just wait till it's your turn. You won't find it so funny then. There, there Haldir," he said, patting the weeping elf on the back, "it's just the baby blues. I find myself crying at everything at the moment...a nice song...a blue sky...Elrohir snoring..." he paused, "mind you, the latter would make anyone cry."
Snuffling noisily, Haldir released Rúmil from the awkward embrace and turned his attention to the biscuits. "I'm fortunate. Mood swings really have not been a factor with me thus far," he remarked. "Biscuit?"
Rúmil screwed his face into a knot and barked, "have you completely lost your mind? Haldir...you JUST cried over biscuits. Biscuits! And yesterday, you shed tears over a description of baby wipes."
Legolas' bottom lip trembled. "Not the description in the 'How to be a Perfect Nana' leaflet?" he asked in a tremulous voice. "That was so..so...sweet!" he cried and burst into tears. Several other pregnant Elves nodded in agreement and within minutes at least three others were snivelling into their handkerchiefs.
"For Elbereth's sake!" cried Rúmil as he handed out tissues. "I cannot fathom what is so touching about a pamphlet." Gingerly he plucked a brightly colored tri-fold from the stand and began to read aloud, "Giving birth is a blessed event in any Elleth's life. Treasure this special time, for Elflings are gifts of love." The sniffles became louder and more frequent, and Rúmil hastily placed the pamphlet on the coffee table. "Erm...perhaps that was a mistake...."
"Oh? You think?" snuffled Haldir. He noisily blew his nose into the tissue and flung it in Rúmil's general direction.
Legolas looked sternly at Rúmil. "I don't think you're helping just at the moment!" Legolas leaned over and gave Haldir a hug.
Thankfully, a nurse appeared in the doorway, clipboard in hand and called, "Legolas? Haldir? Follow me, please. It's time for your examinations." Rúmil obligingly helped both of the front-heavy Elves to their feet and supported Haldir's elbow as he waddled down the hallway...and then back to the waiting room to retrieve the remainder of the biscuits.
"Put on a bit of weight since the last time we saw you, Haldir," remarked the nurse. She snatched the biscuits from his hand and chided, "You shouldn't be eating sugar. Try some fruit instead."
Haldir made a face behind her back but said nothing.
Legolas smirked and wiggled his skinny bottom proudly. "I have been watching my diet, Nurse, just like you said." When they reached the examination room, Legolas hopped up on the table easily and lay back, sniggering at Haldir as he struggled to get up.
The nurse helped each Elf with his clothes, carefully folding them into a neat pile while they slipped on the thin robes. "This thing is positively indecent," grumbled Haldir as he sat shivering atop the cold, hard table.
"And not at all flattering," added Rúmil with a grin. "You both look like you are wearing pup tents."
Just then, Elrond breezed into the room, hardly casting a glance in their direction, and called, "Good morning, Nanas-to-be! Scoot down to the edge of the tables, legs spread apart. The examination will be more comfortable if you relax. Imagine your vaginas opening like flowers in the spring." As he turned with a flourish, a look of mild amusement settled on his fair features when he saw the two males seated on the tables.. "Oh, well...nevermind that last bit. Just lie back and relax."
For the first time, Legolas lost his cool. "Relax? Relax?! How do you expect me to relax with my legs waving in the air like some sort of demented beetle??? Not bloody likely!" he said, folding his arms and sulking. "Haldir can go first."
"Me?!" sputtered Haldir indignantly. He huffed for a minute as Elrond finished preparing the necessary instruments, but finally relented. He may as well go first. There was no getting out of it. The table could not have been any colder, and Haldir hissed when his warm back met the icy table top. Naturally, the gown had gaped open, but he decided it was simply too much trouble to sit up and adjust the blasted thing. After a bit of a struggle, his feet found the stirrups on either side of the table.
Elrond chuckled. "Scoot down further, Haldir, and spread your legs wider." Haldir blushed hard, feeling as if his privates were on display to the entire of Arda. Truth be told, they were. He didn't like this one bit. And he liked it even less when Rumil weaseled his way around for a better view.
"What?" asked Rúmil innocently when he saw his brother's scowl. "It's not every day one sees a pregnant male. I'm curious."
YOU'RE curious?" muttered Legolas under his breath, "I'm bloody curious as well."
When Lord Elrond had finished with Haldir, Legolas sighed and lay back obediently, his feet in the stirrups, staring at the ceiling. "OW!" he yelped, "you could at least have warmed your hands!" Legolas glared at Elrond. "You are enjoying this aren't you? It's pay back time for my letting Gollum go isn't it? Admit it!"
Elrond only chuckled and continued on with the examination. "Everything is progressing nicely, Legolas. You're doing just fine, and your weight is well within healthy range. Haldir, you should take care to not gain any more. Maybe Legolas can give you some diet tips." Haldir fumed silently.
A rather noisy commotion drew the attention of all four Elves to the entranceway. Clinging to the doorway was a slightly green Erestor, looking more than a little haggard.
"I'm having some stomach troubles. Can't keep anything down," he panted as he stumbled his way to a nearby trashcan. "The gastro clinic sent me here and insisted I see you, Elrond. I must have had some bad lembas."
Haldir sniggered. "More likely, you had some Glorfindel. Or Glorfindel had you. Welcome to the antenatal clinic...Nana." The look on Erestor's face was priceless.
"W-what? Antenatal? But that is for pregnant...Oh Goddess!"
Legolas and Haldir giggled hysterically. "Just lie back and relax," hooted Legolas, gasping for breath. "Oh yes," chimed in Haldir, "And imagine your bottom opening like a flower in the spring!"
Erestor glared and took his seat atop the adjacent examination table.
Rumil looked thoughtful. "Isn't that what got you all into this situation in the first place?" he asked innocently.
Within seconds the air was thick with flying bandages, swabs, speculums and instruments. "Just you wait!" they all cried. "It'll be your turn next."
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