I've been through quite a lot since I was created, especially in the last year and a half or so. I'm definitely no blushing, virginal type. Modesty is no issue at all after being paired up with virtually every manner of Man, hobbit, elf, dwarf, wizard, as well as Gollum, orcs, Ringwraiths, and even Sauron. Everyone has had their eyefull, just some more than others. The premiere of the first movie simply sent a new flood of fangirls (and the occassional lad) to put me through different hoops. Or, to be more accurate, different beds.
I've spend a goodly amount of time engaged in numerous amorous pursuits with Sam. I quite enjoy those times, too. Dear Sam, he really is devoted to me. A few writers even add Rosie to the mix. She's a sweet lass, is Rosie. Sam's a lucky hobbit.
I've been paired with Merry or Pippin from time to time, but they seem to prefer each other's company to mine, if given a choice.
A few writers have even written me partaking of pleasure with my uncle Bilbo. I love the old hobbit dearly, but it doesn't extend quite that far. Sure, we're only distant relatives, but still...Where do these writers get their silly notions?
Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Aragorn. Ah, my dear Ranger. He plays hard-to-get more often than any of the other Men. He's not so incredibly experienced as these fans would like to believe, either. What can you expect? The Man has lived alone in the woods most of his life. He's a fast learner, though. And there is something to be said for the size difference, which has a tendency to normally be in my favor if I can get him to use his mouth and those wonderfully calloused hands (which he does, quite often). I wonder if I could convince him to shave. Those whiskers look sexy, but they can be painful if brushed against certain delicate flesh. We even had a threesome with Arwen once. I prefer the Ranger alone. She distracts him from me. So I'm jealous. Who wouldn't be?
Other writer have the nerve to pair me with Boromir. He's crazy as a loon. There's a part of me that is glad he's dead. I must admit, another is sorry he is. He was quite inventive. I suppose there's good to be said of lunacy when it comes to the boudoir.
As for Faramir...You have to feel sorry for him. He didn't know how crazy his brother was. One thing he does know is how flexible hobbits are. I bet he'll miss me when he marries Eowyn. I'm sure she won't hop into the Forbidden Pool with him at all hours of the day or night.
Now, Eomer. He's rather strange, but not at all unattractive. I've not spent enough time in his care to warrant any opinion on his tastes, so I'll have to get back to you about him. Next!
Oh, dear. I've been paired with many Men who were invented by the writer of this or that story. It's almost never a pleasant experience. The one exception I can think of was Vik. He was good to me. The rest always seemed to rape me. I don't know why all these Men are constantly chasing after me. Maybe they just want to have things that are pretty, smallish, and (not so very) helpless. I don't know.
Speaking of pretty...Legolas. He's the only member of the Fellowship who is prettier than me, and I must admit that I hate him for it sometimes. Okay, a lot of the time. He never has a smudge of dirt or a hair out of place. I usually look like I've been dumped into the Dead Marshes. His age has given him an impressive repetoir of experience, and he puts it to good use when he's not primping in front of a mirror or other shiny, reflective object. I achieve a rather sick amount of satisfaction in the knowledge that he has been impregnated even more often than me. Serves him right, always chasing after Aragorn or Gimli or some random elf.
There's also the occassional romp in the library/museum with Lord Elrond. Let's just say he has a liking for books. Even more if I'm laying on them. What can I say? I'm quite fetching in my element. Or on it.
Other than Legolas and Elrond, I've not had many elves. I'm sure all those writers with a taste for elf/hobbit will fix that, given time.
Gimli has a liking for cold stone. This is understandable (dwarf and all), but it isn't very comfortable for me. Maybe he should go talk to Legolas (the talk depending, of course, on whether or not he can get the elf away from his mirror long enough to say anything).
Now Gandalf. He's a dear old soul, but that's just it. He's old. You wouldn't really think him capable of the minimal physical requirements for bedplay. He manages, though. Being a wizard, I guess he puts a temporary spell on it. Or maybe it's my ample charms. I don't know which, but whatever it is, it works. I'd like to think it's me.
I'm not just tossed into bed with the good guys, either. I've been in a time or two with Saruman. Boromir was crazy, but Saruman is a certifiable looney toon. Really off the wall. That arthritic claw thing he had going was really weird. Just so you know, he can manipulate his other body parts like that, too.
I can't forget the orcs. Disgusting things. I don't know why so many of you like me to be kidnapped and raped by them, or let me think they raped me. Eeeewwww.
Ringwraiths are just as bad as orcs. I don't want one of them close enough to stab me with that damned poison blade, much less get really up close and personal. They haven't had any in thousands of years, and I'm not about to break the fast.
By far the worst is Sauron. Honestly. This big, floating, flaming eyeball roars like a dinosaur off of "Jurassic Park" and is always sending his damned Ringwraiths to try to kill me and take the Ring. Riiiiight. I'm really just gonna voluntarily hop in the sack with that. I don't think so.
Gollum, too. Nope. No way, no when, no how. Can you imagine his breath after five hundred years of eating nothing but raw fish? With no toothbrush? I'd pass out at a minimum of twenty paces away. And the same Ringwraith principle applies to him. I'm not gonna be the one breaking his fast.
On top of all that, I've also been kidnapped, raped, tortured, impregnated, injured, sick, nursed back to health, and generally laid so many times my bum should have fallen off by now. It should be in the Book of World Records as "The Most Banged Bum", or something like that.
I need a vacation. A very extended vacation. Alone. No amorously-intentioned Men, hobbits, elves, wizards, dwarves, or bad guys around. Celibacy. What a novel concept. Prehaps some writer will have mercy on me and the kindness to write a vacation story. If no one will write it... *sigh* The only way I'll have a vacation is in my dreams.
I have to go. The writers are clamoring for my return. We've got to provide pervy fodder for these lecherous fangirls (and the occassional lad). I wonder what they'll subject me to this time.
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This Hobbit Needs A Vacation by Bunny
Story notes: Pairing: F/everyone (slashy references- no action)
Don't take this seriously. Written in tribute to Frodo and his poor bum, and in celebration of the completion of the most boring 3000 word research paper known to man (for my Religion in America class). All Frodo's POV, mixed with my own oddly off sense of humor. Sooooo not canon. I warned you.
Beta: the lovely and exotic RavenWolf
