Beldoron departed for the Havens the following morning, leaving his son nearly inconsolable. Were it not for the kindly attentions of the royal children, his friends and the twins, his parting from his father might have been unbearable. As it was, even the normally haughty Melthoron found it in his heart to show some compassion for his brother's friend. And the twins apparently put Sirgon's display of pique behind them and rallied behind him in his time of bereavement.
It was evening when all but Legolas left the Elf's dwelling. The archer remained behind, certain his friend still needed company. They sat companionably in the small, enclosed garden behind the house, drinking Dorwinion wine that Legolas had thought to bring with him from his father's cellar. After a while, Legolas reached over and stopped Sirgon from filling his cup once more.
"You are drinking too much, mellon nîn," Legolas reproved mildly.
Sirgon flushed. He could not deny that he had imbibed a little more than he was used to though he was not yet inebriated either. However, he did feel somewhat light-headed. He glanced at Legolas and realized the prince was studying him with some concern. Too beautiful for his own good, he thought of a sudden. He set bottle and cup down with trembling fingers. The motion was not missed by the other.
"Are you all right?" Legolas inquired. "You seem overwrought about something other than your father's departure."
Sirgon shook his head. "'Tis nothing. I am well."
"Are you?" The prince moved closer to him, blue eyes limned with worry. "You are keeping something to yourself, Sirgon. I have noticed your behavior of late."
"I do not know what you mean," Sirgon replied, apprehension beginning to flare up within him.
Legolas pursed his lips, considering his next words. "The twins think you are jealous of them," he stated evenly. "Are they right?"
Sirgon gaped at the archer in shock. Again the Rivendell lords had proven all too perceptive. "I-I—" he stuttered.
Legolas raised a golden eyebrow. "So, they are right," he murmured. He sighed. "I am sorry, I did not realize how left out you must have felt these past weeks."
Sirgon swallowed hard. His thoughts and feelings were in a tumult. The prince had touched on the matter but had not perceived its core. He did not yet understand the true reason for Sirgon's jealousy.
Ordinarily, Sirgon would have prudently held his tongue. But the wine seemed to have done its fair share in loosening it for he suddenly asked, "Just how close are you to the twins?"
Legolas was surprised. "They are my best friends, my sworn brothers," he replied.
"Nay, I mean, are they more than that to you?" Sirgon pressed on a little incautiously.
"More?" The archer frowned in puzzlement. "What do you mean by that?"
Unable to keep his turbulent thoughts bottled any longer, Sirgon blurted out: "Have you been intimate with either of them?"
Legolas stared at him, his jaw dropping open. For a moment, he was speechless at the totally unexpected query. "Intimate as in have I bedded either of them?" he finally managed to say.
Sirgon reddened with shame at the other's reaction but nodded nevertheless. He was beyond prudence now.
Legolas let out his breath. "I have never bedded a male Elf, much less either of the twins." He cocked a curious eye at his companion. "I know that in Imladris, the practice is more common. I would not be surprised if either Elladan or Elrohir have experienced such loving. But Mirkwood is different. I have not even thought of it at all."
"Yet there are many who desire you who are not maidens," Sirgon pointed out.
Legolas sat back, folding his arms. "So I am told," he responded. "I would not forbid them but neither would I encourage or respond to their overtures. But in truth, none have ever dared approach me thus and I doubt that any will have the courage to do so."
"But would you ever consider intimacy with an ellon?"
Legolas snorted a little amusedly. "I might, given the right incentive. I am not adverse to experimentation so long as 'tis not forced upon me. Why in Elbereth's name are you asking these questions?"
Sirgon sucked his breath in sharply. Now that it had come down to it, he did not know how to broach the truth. He stared at Legolas, desperately wondering how to explain to his friend how he felt. Something of his feelings must have made itself visible in his eyes for the prince suddenly looked back at him with a slight frown.
"Sirgon?" the archer said warily. "What have you been concealing from me?"
Sirgon hesitated, his whole body trembling. It was now or never. There might not be another opportunity for him to reveal his feelings to Legolas. Certainly not another chance that he would be brave enough even if the courage had come from too many cups of Dorwinion wine. But unable to put his feeling into coherent words for his tongue suddenly felt thick in his mouth, he decided to express them in action instead.
He leaned forward and kissed Legolas nervously on the lips. The prince started then jerked back in shock. He stared at Sirgon incredulously. "No, you can't..." he whispered in disbelief.
"But I do, Legolas," Sirgon half-groaned. "I couldn't—can't help myself. I love you, ernil nîn."
Legolas shuddered at the naked emotion in Sirgon's voice. It was not that he looked askance on those that loved their own kind. He was of the opinion that everyone was entitled to their own passions so long as no harm came of them and none was compelled against one's wishes into answering those needs. For his part, he simply fended off any advances not to his liking without bearing any ill will towards the initiator. Though as he'd earlier stated, he'd never encountered advances from other male Elves and therefore had virtually no experience in that area.
But now it had happened and with a friend at that. He did not know how to respond to the situation. The ingrained conviction not to hurt someone he cared for warred with the panicked instinct to remove himself from a most uncomfortable situation as soon as possible.
Sirgon misread his hesitation though. Hope, however faint, grew in his heart and he cupped Legolas' face to kiss him once more.
Panic won out over conviction and Legolas reared out of his grasp. The prince rose hastily to his feet, panting a little shakily, eyes wide with warning. "Avo, Sirgon!" he gasped. Don't! "I would not have our friendship ruined."
"I am sorry," Sirgon all but sobbed. "But I cannot stop how I feel! Believe me, I have tried so hard but the feeling remains."
Legolas drew a deep breath, tried to calm his suddenly erratically beating heart. "I-I do not take this against you," he finally said. "But I do not know how to cope with this. Indeed, I do not even know how I should feel."
Sirgon swallowed hard. "In Lothlorien, such things need no explaining," he mumbled.
"But this is not Lothlorien," Legolas pointed out. "I am not used to this. I need time to think."
"Think about what?" Sirgon pressed on a little desperately. "Would you consider it then?"
Legolas shook his head. "Nay, that I cannot do. 'Tis not my inclination."
"But you said that given the right incentive, you might try it." When the prince shook his head again, Sirgon said bitterly, "I wager if I were one of the twins you would consider that incentive enough!"
Legolas was taken aback by the other's assertion. After a momentary pause, he sighed. "I cannot tell if you are right or wrong in that assumption for I do not know what I would consider the 'right' incentive. Suffice to say I cannot do this for you. I cannot love you as more than a friend."
"Then I am lost," Sirgon choked. "For I cannot purge myself of this love I hold for you."
Legolas blew his breath out. "Mayhap we should keep apart for a while," he quietly suggested. "I may have done you harm by keeping you by my side, encouraging your affections for me."
Sirgon looked away. "As you wish, hir nîn."
Legolas started to reach out a consoling hand to the other Elf's shoulder then thought better of it. With a sorrowful glance at the disconsolate Elf, he departed.
"What will I do?" Legolas almost wailed as he paced the floor of Elladan's chamber restlessly.
He had immediately gone in search of the brethren after leaving Sirgon's home and, having found them, dragged them to the closest bedchamber, which happened to belong to the older twin. Hardly giving them time to settle down, he had launched into a detailed narrative regarding the upsetting incident with the other Elf.
The twins watched him walk to and fro, heads turning as he did. Finally Elrohir said: "Legolas, please sit down. You are making us dizzy!"
The prince abruptly plopped down in the armchair opposite the couch the twins were sitting in. He looked from one brother to the other. They were sprawled on the couch watching him in turn.
"Well? Are you not going to help me?" Legolas demanded.
The brothers glanced at each other. Elladan leaned forward and spread his hands questioningly.
"Exactly what help do you need of us?" he asked. "You do not return his passion. There is nothing anyone can do about that."
Legolas rolled his eyes. "'Tis not what I mean!" he exclaimed. "How do I deal with his attraction to me in the first place?" He clenched his hands on his lap. "He-he spoke as if it were the most normal thing in Arda to love me!"
Elrohir stole a look at his brother. "Well, it is," he said.
Legolas stared at him stupefied. "What?"
"There is nothing unnatural about what he feels for you," the younger twin elucidated. "What is tragic is that you do not have the same passion for him and, being his friend, will now feel uncomfortable in his company, knowing what you do about his feelings."
The prince shook his head, clearly taken aback. "You speak as if it were normal for Elves to...to be capable of such feelings," he said.
"Because it is," Elladan put it. "Why are you so shocked? You have seen it with your own eyes in Imladris."
"But I thought 'twas but a limited occurrence," Legolas replied. "You make it seem as if the mating of two Elves of the same kind is as natural as that of Elf-male and Elf-maiden."
"'Tis our Noldorin ancestry, I fear," Elladan smiled. "We have held to the ancient path as your people did not."
"That term..." Legolas stared at them. "I remember now. You used it once long ago but Lord Elrond interrupted before you could explain further."
"Neither he nor your father felt you were ready for such a revelation at the time," Elladan admitted.
Legolas looked patently displeased. "Well, please explain now," he pleaded. "What is the ancient path? What does it entail?"
Elladan nodded and continued. "Those who follow it consider such relationships valid so long as they are not the result of coercion or force. Think, Legolas, in Elvenhome, the Eldar have flourished for uncounted ages. There is no fear of the Edhil dying out, no obligation to constantly perpetuate our immortal race. With that freedom, the need to take a mate for the sake of conception and birth is not paramount. In Aman, one may take a spouse, bind with one's own kind or take no mate at all if that is one's desire."
"The old ways made no distinctions between one choice or the other," Elrohir took up the tale. "Only rape, incest, infidelity between living lifemates and the taking of children are considered unholy and, therefore, forbidden. But as for same-kind lifemates...well, our kin did not abandon the ancient path when they returned to Middle-earth as yours understandably did."
"Understandably?"
"Your history shows that the Silvan Elves and some of the Sindar first began to discourage the binding of male and male spirit and likewise female and female after the High Kindred departed for Aman," Elrohir explained, resorting to a scholarly manner to lessen Legolas' discomfort. "In the need to survive and flourish amidst the vagaries of life in Middle-earth, your forebears became less obliging about practices that would inhibit rather than promote the births of future generations of Elves. And when evil came to these shores, it became even more imperative that the ancient practice be limited though 'twas still deemed acceptable if that was truly what was desired. What was unexpected was the move by your grandfather, Oropher, to actively proscribe such passions amongst the Sindar he ruled and then in Greenwood. It eventually came to be considered aberrant amongst the younger generations of Elves in your kingdom."
"And with the passing of many of the older Elves either by attrition or the choice to sail West, so did much of the memories and knowledge of the past vanish as well," Elladan pointed out.
"But Lorien?" Legolas questioned. "Some of our kindred removed there long ago. Yet you have said 'tis no matter in the Golden Wood."
"That had much to do with our grandparents," Elrohir smiled. "Under their rule, any lingering objections to the old traditions simply faded away. 'Tis only here in Mirkwood that the prohibition remains, Legolas."
"We do not have your gwaith's unease with those who love their own kind," Elladan concluded. "We have witnessed such bindings and see nothing out of the ordinary about them. But after all 'tis the joining of two spirits that matters regardless of the bodies that house them. If we think ill of Sirgon's desire 'tis because it has laid a great burden upon you, gwador.
Legolas sat back feeling more confused than ever. "Strange that we never talked at length about such matters before," he remarked. "I have since discovered that it does occur in Mirkwood, though very discreetly. And, as you pointed out, I have certainly seen evidence of it in Imladris. But I never thought to discuss it with you in full."
"Why should you?" Elrohir pointed out. "As long as it did not directly affect you, it was something you had no cause to even think about."
"But now it has directly affected me and I do not know what to do." Legolas sighed. He glanced at the twins and, on the heels of sudden curiosity, almost shyly asked: "Have either of you...?" His cheeks stained a faint hue of red.
Two elegant pairs of sable eyebrows rose in amusement at his hesitation. "Since when have you been so timid to ask us about such things?" Elladan grinned.
Legolas scowled. "Since now that I am entangled in something I know nothing about save for hearsay and an occasional glimpse!" he retorted, his cheeks burning fiercely.
The twins chuckled sympathetically.
"If you must know, aye, we have," Elrohir replied. "We would never turn down the opportunity to try something pleasurable."
"So long as 'tis not forbidden," Elladan added.
Legolas stared at his friends. It was difficult to imagine either twin in the company of a male lover. He knew them so well, their carnal appetites included. He wondered if they enjoyed such liaisons.
"Aye, we do," Elladan snickered, easily reading the question in the prince's eyes. Legolas closed them in embarrassment.
"Why so uncomfortable, gwador?" Elrohir inquired. "We have talked about much more intimate matters before."
Legolas eyes snapped open. He let out his breath in frustration. "'Tis only because this...subject is so...so..."
"Beyond your body of experience and knowledge," Elladan finished for him with a comforting smile.
Legolas nodded. He regarded the twins with mingled wonder and renewed curiosity. "How can you enjoy it?" he blurted out. "You have always desired female-kind and regardless of race it would seem."
The brethren looked at him in surprise then sighed in tandem as the full extent of their friend's unawareness of the ancient ways became starkly apparent. "Calenlass, 'tis not something acquired but is part of all Edhil from birth," Elrohir explained. "Since the awakening of the Firstborn by the shores of Cuivienen, the choice of a mate was never based on gender but on mutual attraction between two Elves, regardless of kind. All Elves are capable of loving both ways. 'Tis our nature."
"Indeed, you might say that all Elves are capable of losing their innocence twice should they desire it," Elladan added with a faint smile. "For the loving of a female is vastly different from a male's; to this we can attest."
Legolas stared at them in shock. "But I haven't... I don't..." He found himself stuttering and visibly took hold of himself. "If that is so, then why have I never felt attracted to another male?" he demanded.
"Because of the culture in which you were raised," Elladan pointed out. "You were taught that 'tis not desirable, therefore, you never entertained the idea. I dare say that you have been attracted to other ellyn but you dismissed such feelings as admiration or hero worship at most."
Legolas was dumbstruck as the truth of Elladan's words hit home. "'Tis true, I have known such feelings," he acknowledged grudgingly. "But nothing more. Indeed, I have never even thought about it."
"We are all products of our upbringing," Elrohir elaborated. "If you consider something unnatural, you can hardly be expected to give it any thought. Your father and his generation lived through that time when the ban was declared and know of the ancient path. But Elves as young as you would not. And you can hardly expect the elders to suddenly change their course and tell you about it. That said, we think your father's tolerance of such practices within Mirkwood admirable."
Legolas shrugged. "Well, 'tis not as if it is their fault for feeling the way they do," he commented. He blinked as the meaning of his words registered on him.
"Exactly," Elladan said gently. "They cannot resist where their love leads them."
Legolas sat back with a deep exhale. "Forgive me, but I find this rather overwhelming," he admitted. 'Tis difficult to believe that what you say about our nature is true."
"Yet we are very much alike to the Powers themselves and they, too, possess this duality," Elladan said.
"The Valar?!" Legolas was aghast. "But who--?"
"Tulkas the Valiant who is wed to fleetfooted Nessa, sister of Oromë. Yet he has great love for Fionwë, the son of Manwë and Elbereth."
"How do you know this?" the archer demanded incredulously.
"Three unimpeachable sources told us," Elrohir grinned. "Our grandmother, Galadriel, Gildor Inglorion, and our own Glorfindel. They saw this with their own eyes when they lived in the Blessed Realm."
Smirking at their friend's awed expression, Elladan said: "So you see, 'tis no jape we play on you."
The prince sighed. "Be that as it may, I cannot do anything for Sirgon. I am not attracted to him in that way. Indeed, I can never be attracted to any male even should the Valar themselves send one to tempt me!"
The twins half-gasped, half-chortled at his near-blasphemy.
"You would oppose the Valar's will? Beware, Legolas," Elrohir warned. "'Tis perilous to speak thusly. The Powers may very well lead you down the path just to punish you for gainsaying them!"
Legolas stared at the twins with such horror that the brothers burst out laughing. After a few mirthful moments, Elladan managed to catch his breath.
"Ai, if you could just see your face," he chuckled. "But, in truth, there is nothing to be afraid of. Given your upbringing and the prejudice against such passions in Mirkwood, 'tis most unlikely that you will suddenly develop a taste for male-flesh. I dare say it would probably take an Elf chosen by fate itself to arouse that part of you that slumbers. And even if he exists, 'tis highly improbable that your paths would cross so providentially." He smiled wickedly as Legolas began to relax in relief. "However, if he were to appear and beckon to you, I fear you will not be able to resist his allure for that is also part of our nature!"
His cheeks flaming anew, Legolas glowered at him with such murderous intensity, the twins promptly dissolved into another bout of hilarity.
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Chapter end notes: gwador - sworn brother
mellon nîn - my friend
ernil nîn - my prince
gwaith - people, tribe
