Why did I never speak the words I wanted to say to you? I don't know; yet, maybe I do. Fear, doubt, regret, and past hurts all rolled into one and no words passed my lips. Now it's all too late; I can't make up for it, I can't change the past but God knows I wish I could. I'm not even sure why I say all this out loud to your answering machine, but now as I hear the click of the tape running out, I know for sure you'll never hear these words as I say them.
Regret and 'what ifs' are the hardest things to live with, but as my heart keeps longing I still dare not pick up the phone and ask you what I should have asked so many months ago. It's somehow easier to live like this; this way it'll stay a fantasy, a dream, forever and though I'll never get a yes I'll never get a no either and so I'll never see my dreams destroyed. You haunt me; you should know that much, I think. Every time I see green I think of you. Green opals shining with fire and light, blazing with feelings too deep to put into words. I never saw a green like that, so pure, so hypnotizing. I can't look at the golden shades of the sun anymore, either, without my mind calling your memory to me. I remember all the moments we shared, all the opportunities I had to say what was in my heart but never did. I recall how your hair would shine like fire around your head in the sun's first rays.
I want to ask you to come to me, to return to me. I miss seeing you, talking with you... .just being near you. You always managed to plant my feet back down on the ground, yet make me fly high above the stars at the same time.
You're a paradox wrapped in an enigma, truly you are. Your sentences can take double meanings; your lips can form words but your eyes will always betray you. I didn't speak, but now I wonder... did you? You never spoke much, not about your feelings, but when I think back... maybe your eyes told me all I needed to know. You did say to me once that the word was mine... if that's so then the stars must be yours because something was always sparkling in the deep of your eyes.
We were friends, closer than brothers. We let time tear us apart with no farewell, no decision on the matter. Just a slow death as is the fate of so many relationships. No, I don't wish that.
You're like a wave in my ocean, upsetting my quiet universe with your presence, yet you darken my world when you leave... . Return to me. Those are the words I wish I could say to you... 'return to me.'
I've been everything to you but never have I been a lover you would never leave. So please, I now wish to know how it feels to hold you... Return to me.
You once told me I had a special glow about me, but you're the one who shines like a star in the sky, like a moon over troubled waters. It's your light... yours and only yours.
We've spoken all the safe words; we've embraced and kissed. There's nothing new in the actions, nothing new in the words. But there's something new in the way I feel about you; there's something new in my heart. Everything I feel is for the first time but turn to me, return to me and I swear I'll make a night last a lifetime... just return to me.
I want to call you for real; I want to call you back to me. I write all this down in my notebook and I wonder what you'll say if you knew. I wonder what you'll say if you ever read this... would you be happy? Disgusted? Sad? Confused? Could I ever say these words to you as I write them down? Maybe I should send them to you instead? But I already know I never will.
We have a lot in common, you and I. We both know what it means to fall, to lose someone you thought would be 'the one'; we both know the world can turn its back on you yet also give you such priceless gifts as children. And we both know what it means to be lonely, and we both know what it means to be free. Now I want to know how it feels like to hold you, call you my own, to say 'I love you' and mean it with all my heart.
So, return to me. Those are the words I wish I could say to you, but now I guess it's too late. Why do we always let fear keep us apart? Loneliness may be safe, but it's so cold when you reach for someone next to you in bed at night only to find an empty spot.
"I'm here."
I nearly die at the soft, clearly accented and well loved voice coming out of the phone.
"How?" I can't think, can't form any kind of thoughts right now.
"I got home just as the tape ran out and I picked up," you say softly, your voice warm and kind. For once I not only don't know what to say, but I don't know what to write down in my little book either.
"Didn't you want to ask me something?" you ask softly, warmth, love and light humor in your voice. Just hearing your voice makes me smile and feel warm all over.
"Return to me?" I ask quietly, my heart beating fast in my chest, my hands warm and sweaty as I wait for your answer.
"I always do."
I smile widely, feeling like I've finally come home. Those words make me the happiest man alive and I wish I could hug you, kiss you and take you in my arms; all at once. And now I know... I soon will.
Return to me... and you did.
The End
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Return To Me by Alexa Bond
Story notes: Why do my own plotbunnies always come back to haunt me? Thanks so much to Carmen and everyone else who helped me with this for great beta.
Chapter notes: Set after the filming of LOTR.
Chapter end notes: This never happened unless I have psychic powers and can change the past, present and future. Any likeness to real characters is all in your mind, nothing more. This is fiction, made up, never happened, not real... you want that in other languages as well? *LOL* I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money off it. Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
