I, who had not even suspected the possibility of love between men, now had the opportunity to present it to another man. At that moment, with the most important choice of words I had ever needed in my life lying before me, I had nothing to say. Elendil spoke before I did.
"I fully intended to go, but it seems you hold me here by some spell," he accused, but though his voice was sharp, his eyes were pleading. "What strange control do you hold over me? Why must you haunt my footsteps and my dreams? It is passing strange, and I hardly dare to speak this, but betimes you have seemed to me beautiful beyond what mere aesthetics deems reasonable in a man.
"You, who have told me you would never risk wounding a friend in the practice of arms, you have wounded me full sore with words tonight. I thought that you chose to cast aside our friendship, and I welcomed the opportunity to cast aside this strangeness I feel as well. Yet now I believe I do not wish to, strange as it is, for I have never had a friendship so close that it is-"
He faltered. "It is almost- I could believe it to be- I think I love you." I still could find no words, but now it mattered not. I placed my palms on the cold marble wall on either side of him, near enough that the heat of his body was evident. I did not quite lean in to him, and I knew we had been physically nearer before, but I felt as though nothing stood between us.
I surprised myself by the ferocity with which I pressed him suddenly to the wall, but I did not pause to reflect on how bold I had become. All was mouth and skin and heat, flustered sensations all impressing themselves on my brain at once in something so impassioned it could scarcely be summed up in the gentle syllable of kiss. I knew not what I had expected, but I could not have been less prepared for the love of this man so unlike Elrond.
Perhaps it was because he was mortal, but Elendil seemed to react far more by instinct that Elrond ever had. This had none of the teasing, slow methods my first lover had used so carefully. There was less of control and more of impetuous desire, and I cannot say whether one or the other was better, but I knew instantly that this was different. It was wild and entirely unelven.
We must have reentered my chambers and reached the bed, though I have no memory of how we arrived there, for I recall a moment when I stood and he lay before me, leaning on his elbows. I remember it because it was the only pause that occurred that night, and in it he appeared oddly vulnerable. The shock hit me then that I had more experience here than did he, and it was I who must take the initiative. He had never lain with a man before.
After that I remember little of detail, only sweat and heat and mouth and hips and skin, and it was many hours later that he fell asleep in my arms. I did not need to sleep if I did not choose to, being an elf, and I lay awake instead, just to feel that he was still there next to me. Despite all I have said, it was this which proved to be most different from loving Elrond.
Elrond had never stayed the night in my chambers, never fallen asleep next to me. He had always left so that he would not be caught with me in the morning. Even on that last night we had spent together when he had had too much wine, neither of us had truly slept, and I had gone before anyone else was awake. Elendil, I suspected, would have no qualms if we were still in bed at noon.
Yet of course this was impossible. I knew how my people would react if they discovered this type of love between two men, and I doubted that the Númenoreans would be any more accepting. The only possible outcome of discovery would be two kings deposed. Sometime before the morn, Elendil must return to his own quarters.
The night was still black, however, and now was now. I buried my face in his hair and kissed the back of his neck, settling down to sleep with my lover.
Early the following day, when Elendil had left my side and the Sun had not yet begun to rise into the sky, I decided to walk on the beach. I left my chambers by the window, as I had not done for many years, and climbed down the rocky crags to the strand. An eerie silence hung about the shore this morning, though I could not discover what was so strange about it. The cries of the seabirds sounded as loudly as usual, and to the north of the harbor a pod of seals barked.
Then I knew what it was. The roaring of the floods had ceased. I scrambled upwards as quickly as I could, making daring leaps and pulling myself up on tenuous handholds, not caring how unseemly this behavior was. I had to see how the land lay, and when I reached the top of the cliff I broke into a grin. We were still surrounded by water, but it was draining off rapidly. We would be able to set out on the morrow.
Sauron would hardly expect us to move so soon. We would have outposts in his lands long before he could build up the power to penetrate ours. Our strength would be triply bonded, between Mithlond, Imladris, and the lands that Elendil would hold. Passage betwixt the three would be simple for us, though not for him, and with the palantíri our communication would be excellent. I could not think a single unhappy thought at that moment.
Then another realization came to me, as abruptly as the first had done. We would have to pass through Imladris on our way east, so that we could convene with Elrond. Certainly I would be delighted to hear his council, but my discomfort in speaking to him would be terrible indeed. Celebrian would be there, and I feared more than anything that she would be affable and clever, for I would hate myself if she proved easy to like.
Then I told myself to halt this thought. What cause did I have for jealousy, when I would approach Rivendell with a new lover of my own? Surely my friendship with Elrond would not die simply because we no longer shared a bed. And verily would I welcome his opinion on the matters at hand.
Yet even as I told myself this, I knew in my heart that I was lying.
I announced the journey to the populace when we broke fast that morning. Since all the Númenoreans would be traveling, we would need no elven soldiers. There were a few of my people I did wish to bring: healers, cooks, perhaps an architect, and of course Iorerin.
Ruiniel was furious that she had not been consulted earlier. I asked her as politely as I could which horses we might use, and she responded with a flurry of protests concerning the length of time it would take her to prepare for our departure, and how she could not be expected to spare any of the stable lads or lasses to care for our steeds. I interrupted her as soon as I dared.
"Each man will look after his own mount. The Númenoreans are excellent horsemen, and I assure you that they will be kind to your horses. Any man who treats his mount ill will answer to me." She was not satisfied.
"And on the return, you and a handful of others will do the same for horses far outnumbering you?" she asked. Her eyes were blazing. "Or did you plan on leaving these mortals my finest stallions?" I could not deny that Elendil had asked for a few horses to breed.
"Perhaps just one or two...they can find mares in the region..." I offered feebly. She glared still.
"They'll find all their horses in the region, or none at all," she said firmly. I started to protest, but she cut me off. "I'm not losing a single horse to men. And I'll be traveling with you, to see that you don't give them away behind my back."
I gave in, unable to think of an argument. However, it soon proved that Ruiniel was easy to persuade compared to Iorerin. He was determined to bring every scientific instrument in his possession. No sooner had I dissuaded him from packing his tools of cartography than he decided to bring the bestiary he was compiling.
"Erin, there is no capacity for any of these objects," I insisted, but he ignored me, stuffing a rucksack with several devices of which I could not even begin to guess the nature. I pulled them back out and set them on the table.
"We have had little scientific information from these regions for years," said he, his eyes gleaming. "Flora, fauna, astronomy, geology, all will be entirely different that far east. The floods will have changed things as well, of course, none of these old maps will be valid. And it will be essential to test the soil-"
"I have a mathematical question for you, Iorerin," I interrupted. "How much weight can a horse bear for long distance? And given that, how many horses will it take to cart your instruments to the ends of the earth? This is not a scientific mission. I am bringing you because I wish you to consult with Elrond and myself when we reach Imladris. Leave your mad disciples to their bickering on the nature of the world, and provide us with your wisdom!"
Erin fell silent. For a moment there was no sound, then we both made to apologize in the same instant. I hushed him. "Forgive me," said I. "I spoke in haste. Well do I value your inquires into nature. It is simply that we cannot carry more than is necessary."
"I understand," he replied. We went on to discuss other logistical issues, much to my relief. Yet still that was not the end of my troubles. I had to leave instructions and formally open the council in my absence. This was a tricky matter of diplomacy, in that the appointments must be made without slighting anyone, and yet I must only leave the government in the hands of those who would act according to my policies.
Then there were issues with the shipmaster, the guards, the judges, and every person imaginable whose problems must be solved before my departure. Finally I managed to set everything into some sort of order, escape from those who were still seeking me, and hand responsibility to one of my trusted lords. I returned to the crag where I had first glimpsed the abating of the floods at dawn, though that seemed weeks ago.
Mithlond was no longer an island. A causeway had formed, although it was still too narrow and slippery of us to cross. The next day, all would be dry land again, never quite as before yet for all practical purposes as good as new. It was truly amazing how quickly the land had returned to normal.
"Ulmo blesses us," commented a voice behind me, expressing my own thoughts perfectly. It was Elendil. "He returns all the waters to their proper places swiftly, now their work is done."
"The Valar know full well the proper place of all things. It is wondrous strange that the Sun and Moon hold their courses, but the power of the Valar keep them there, and here beneath their light we can set our own courses by them. All things were planned in the beginning in the song, though Eru alone knows the full of it, and men by their very nature are unexpected."
"Then in that case it is planned that the Moon should choose to draw near the Sun," he said with a smile. "Nor do the Valar seek to change it, though it was not their intent. I wonder one thing. Should they speak against it, would the Moon draw away?"
I regretted now that I had ever spoken in terms of theology as metaphor for love. It raised questions I could not fairly answer. "It is enough to know that they do not," I answered at last. "Let us not defy the Valar without cause. Men may see them as abstract powers, enthroned invisibly in the mythical West, yet they are real and great, and it is not meet to use their names vainly."
"You believe there is no power greater than the Valar, then? Are not concepts such as love stronger than any person, even the gods?"
"Only Eru is stronger than the Valar," I replied firmly. I looked him fiercely in the eye. "Yea, love is great, but its greatness is also part of their greatness. There is no virtue that is stronger than them, not because it is not worthy, but because the Valar encompass it in themselves. And that is why they would never speak out against love, though it is as unconventional as that between you and I. Therefore it is worthless to defy them for it. And if anyone declares that the Valar oppose love between elf and man, or between those of similar sex, than that person speaks false. He does not understand the Valar who claims in their name to stand against love or truth or beauty, although the way in which it is expressed is not part of his knowledge.
"Do you seek to have me say that I hold your love in higher regard than the decisions of the Valar? This is a question that has no logic in it. The decisions of the Valar allow me to hold your love in high regard. It is not conceivable that they would not do so. There is no answer to this question because there is no question. I do love you. Is this enough? Do you ask for more? Shall I tell you that I love you more than my people or my kingdom or triumph over Sauron? If I must do this I will. I would prefer you not to drive me to it. But ask what you will. What would you have me say?"
"I do not begrudge you your people or your kingdom, and I wish with you to triumph over Sauron," he said, so quietly I had to strain to hear it. "And I did not originally intend to ask that you defy the Valar. I know what you say is true. I wondered, however, whether you would not begin to think as do your kin, that men are lesser and not to be mixed with. Would you cast me aside and return to Elrond?"
Never before had I been and never again would I be so shocked by what I heard in a whisper. I had not told Elendil that Elrond had been my lover before him. I did not think I had spoken of Elrond overmuch or given Elendil any cause to guess this. When I next spoke, I did not truly reply to his question.
"Elrond? What is he that I should return to him?" I feigned puzzlement at what I took to be this shrewd intuition of Elendil's. His next words would only shock me far more.
"If you did not desire me to know that he was your lover, perhaps it should have been my name and not his that you cried in bed last night." And with that he was gone, gracefully descending the rocky cliffs with a speed I could not hope to match. Night had fallen, and the very Moon we had spoken of was beginning to rise. I sank to my knees beneath it, and did not leave until much later.
Site Info
We are the home of 1292 authors from among our 2552 members. There have been 2904 reviews written about our 3820 stories consisting of 10734 chapters and 29400445 words. A special welcome to our newest member, Rosamundeb.Categories
Skin Change
Donate
Help us keep one of the oldest running LotR archives available to all. Even the smallest donation helps!
Many thanks to our previous donors!
Many thanks to our previous donors!
