24 September 1418 (in the Shire reckoning)
The Shire
If we get to the other side of this hill, we shall find a spot that is sheltered and snug enough, sir. There is a dry fir-wood just ahead, if I remember rightly.
--Fellowship of the Ring p 81
I don't think I'll ever get to sleep tonight.
It's not fear keeping me awake, though Gandalf's words and vague warnings have certainly frightened me.
I'm not lying here planning our trip; how we will get to Bree; what we will do after that.
I'm not kept awake by regret over the loss of Bag End, though that is certainly a pain in my heart.
No, the thing that keeps me from sleeping tonight is you, Sam, lying just an arm's length away.
I should have protested when Gandalf appointed you as my companion in this mad adventure. If I had an ounce of self-control, I would have protested. But I couldn't speak against the rush of joy in my heart.
How lovely you were, filled with excitement at the idea of travelling and seeing Elves. And I couldn't help but cling to what you said: that the idea of my leaving upset you. Surely this means you care for me, at least a little?
But not as I care for you, Samwise, not that way at all. You would never understand if I told you how difficult it has been today, walking across the Shire meadows, watching your strong legs striding, seeing the curls clinging to your damp neck, smelling your sweat...I must stop this or I will surely go mad.
How adorable you were, saying 'If I take one more step, I'll be farther away from home than I've ever been before.' Your lovely hazel eyes doubtful; a slight frown curling the edges of your beautiful mouth. It was all I could do not to leap on you and ravish you then and there. Instead I extended my hand, allowing myself the pleasure of that much contact with your warm brown skin, and coaxed you on. And you followed me.
Surely this means you care for me, at least a little?
But not as I care for you. Honest and forthright, you would never understand. Especially my feelings tonight are not those of romantic love but of quite an earthier nature.
I must stop this or I will surely go mad.
I fear I will not sleep at all tonight.
I can hear you breathing, so close I could touch you by reaching out my hand. I won't, of course. But I could. And knowing that is making it almighty difficult for me to get any sleep tonight.
For years I've dreamed of travelling, but the idea of travelling with you is so much more than I could ever have dreamed. Today has been a joy, but also a sore trial to me, seeing the wind blowing your hair, the sun shining in your eyes, the way your breeches mold to your legs as you walk.
I must stop even thinking these things. I'm a fool, falling so for my Master, but not enough of a fool as to think you would ever return my feelings. If you guessed the things I'm thinking now, you would send me right back to Hobbiton.
I wouldn't go. I'd follow you like a calf after its mother. But best not put it to the test.
About midday, just as we were approaching Farmer Maggot's fields, I was suddenly swept by everything that's happening. Here I am, Samwise Gamgee, gardener's son, setting off on a long and dangerous adventure with my Master, who is carrying the One Ring; a mighty responsibility, seemingly. It was suddenly just too much for me, and I stopped.
I made some fool comment about never having been so far from home, but you didn't laugh. You walked back to me and laid your hand on my arm -- which didn't help my confusion, not at all -- and then you smiled at me like the Sun itself, which nearly finished me off, so to speak.
Between my thoughts and your touch I was quite undone, but when you said 'Come on, Sam', those three words brought my whole world back into focus. 'Come on, Sam.' I will. I will follow you anywhere.
But tonight I can't rightly follow you into sleep, begging your pardon, sir. Not with you lying so close, just arm's length away.
You lay down beside me now
You were with me every waking hour
So close I could feel your breath.
Sarah McLachlan Wait
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