Don't Speak by Alexa Bond

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Story notes: This is my first RPS fic; be kind. This story was inspired by the song "Don't Speak" by No Doubt, but it's not a songfic. I just got inspired by that song. Thanks ever so much to Witchy for quick and great Beta work. Careful, sweetheart... Soon I'll hire you full time if you keep doing such a great job *LOL*
Chapter notes: Set during the filming of LOTR.
We started out as strangers. We had never met, never spoken, yet all the same there was something there. It was as unexplainable as it was undeniable. It just was.

Time seemed to stand still here. The world we played in became our own; the rules of reality got turned upside down until I began to believe this world, the world we had made for ourselves, was the only one there was. We had a family here; we had love, brotherhood, friendship and togetherness. I had never expected that much, and I wouldn't ask for more. However, my heart began to wonder; my mind began to think of things I had never even considered before. The friendly hug you gave me became too short a contact; I noticed how I hung on every word that passed by your lips, how I could get lost in your eyes and forget everything around me. I tried to forget it. I tried to deny it, but I knew what was happening; you were stealing my heart away with your quiet ways and silent beauty. I didn't speak; I didn't say anything. The friendship we had built was too precious to me to dare put on the line for this foolish heart of mine. I told myself this was just a vulnerable time for me, having just lost yet another woman I thought was 'the one'. I told myself I was just getting carried away by the beauty of this land and the fairytale taking place around us. I told myself I was just lonely. I tried everything, but it didn't work. Nothing worked. You began to haunt my every waking moment as you did my dreams; I was going mad with the over-analysis my mind did of everything you said to me. It was becoming a pain, even more so because when I gave my heart away in the past, I never hesitated telling the object of my affection about it. This forced distance was new for me, and Gods how it hurt.

The others began to notice; I guess I'm not as great an actor on the matters of the heart as I had hoped I would be, but then I never had to be before now. Their kindness and understanding was frustrating when it was your attention I was craving. Then, just when I thought the whole bloody world would know of my feelings before you did, you totally took me by surprise. You asked me to walk with you in the forest nearby; it was close to sunset and the sun's light yellow and soft red glow bathed the forest in a beautiful yet unreal glow. I tried not to be nervous; but as we walked on and you still didn't speak I felt like yelling or screaming, anything to ease the tension in my chest. Suddenly, you turned around and before I had time to know what was happening your lips closed over mine. At first I was too surprised to react; but as I felt your tongue enter my mouth, I knew that my dream had come true. I put my arms around you and pulled you close as I deepened the kiss. There were no real words that first night as we made love on a bed of leaves, the stars blinking down on us, but it was the most incredible night of my life. That night I fell asleep with my arms wrapped around your body, and for the first time in what felt like forever I had a peaceful sleep.

The months that passed were some of the best of my life. I didn't stop to think about what we had or what we did; somehow it just felt natural. We didn't tell the others, but somehow they still knew. One day, we were attacked by a ton of hugs and congratulations while at a pub together. Though it made both of us feel rather embarrassed and silly, they meant well. Their approval meant a lot to me, and it helped me maintain the feeling of living in a fantasy world, where everything was possible and there was nothing but happy endings.

The day we shot Boromir's death scene was the day I truly realized how much I loved you. It meant the world to me that you were there as I died, but as I closed my eyes to play dead, I couldn't help but wonder if Boromir had ever wished he could have said the words in his heart... if he had ever wished he could have told his king that he wasn't a brother but a lover? Had a warrior like Boromir ever felt like that? Thought like that? I couldn't help but think "what if I died tomorrow?" Then no one would know of my feelings for you, maybe you yourself wouldn't even know. That night as we made love I vowed to myself to try and show you how much you meant to me, but the words I wanted to say never came. I didn't know then why they didn't, but I think I do now.

It's my last day. I had known all along this day would come, had known I would leave before everyone else but somehow, in the fairytale world I had built for myself, I had chosen to forget it. It had hit me like a blow when Peter had reminded me a week ago how sad he was to see me leave and how much he liked the work I had done. Those words shocked me, like cold water being thrown in my face, and my eyes had sought yours. For the briefest moments I thought I saw unspeakable pain in their depths, but then it was gone and you turned away from me. I was too wrapped up in myself and my own sadness at the thought of leaving that I didn't think much about it until later that day when we passed each other. I let my hand touch yours briefly as I had done before. As we had agreed to be discrete with our relationship, the touches we shared in public were fleeting, our skin meeting for only the briefest second and our hands staying together for only a few seconds more than was necessary. However, this time you didn't respond to my touch but walked away.

This last week you have avoided me. You have barely spoken a word to me you didn't have to; you haven't touched me at all. I needed you so much this last week; saying goodbye will be harder than I had ever imaged, but the thought of leaving without you makes it so much harder. I wanted to be mad at you, to yell at you, but the thought of leaving left me feeling drained and numb. The last week, which should have been spent enjoying what time I had left, with you and with all the others who I've come to call friends, was instead spent in my house getting drunk, cursing everyone and no one, and crying for something I had lost, though I'm not sure if I ever had it to begin with.

Today the others came to say goodbye. We all promised to call and write, and though it's a promise often made and just as often broken in this business, this time I do hope we'll stick together, and I'll try and do my part to make it so. There were false smiles all around, jokes that were laughed at though they weren't funny... all the things you always do to hide how much goodbye pains you. I got turned from one embrace to another, and though I hadn't said anything to them about what had happened, or hadn't happened, between us, I think they know because Elijah's hug felt a little warmer, Orli's kiss on my cheek burned a little more and Billy and Dom's jokes sounded a little sadder.

They have all left now, leaving me to get ready to go. I'm at once happy and relived you weren't with them. Had you been it would have been a friend's goodbye and not a lover's, yet that would be better than this. With only minutes until my cab came to take me to the airport, you showed up on my doorstep. I was torn between wanting to hug you and yell at you. I choose neither. You asked if you could come in, and I let you. We stood in the living room, like strangers, neither speaking nor touching. I tried to see emotions in your face, but you've always been so damn hard to read and right then you were a closed book. One of the first things that made me fall for you was your amazing acting abilities, but at that moment I wished you weren't that good at acting. You avoided my eyes but when you finally did look at me I wished you hadn't. I saw something in your eyes I wished I didn't. I think I know where this is heading; I think I know how this goes.

You and me... we used to do everything together. We were the best of friends long before we became lovers. Is there truly nothing left to save? Is this really the end? Was there even a beginning?

"Sean."

You say my name, to me it sounds like I'm hearing my death warrant. I always hated this part. Hated these painful confessions so much yet somehow I always get myself into situations were I either have to listen to them or give them myself.

Your lips start to form words and I wish you'd rather not. It looks like you're letting go, and if that's true then I'd rather not know.

"Don't speak."

I think I said that out loud because you look at me, surprised, confused. I force my lips to move, I force back tears.

"I know just what you're saying, so stop explaining. Don't tell me... " I can't say the rest but I think it... don't tell me 'cause it hurts too damn much. "I know what you're thinking, I don't need your reasons. I know just what you're saying," my voice drops to a whisper yet still loud enough for you to hear "Don't speak."

You say nothing, you seem unsure of what to do, and I don't blame you. You probably had a whole speech laid out. I'm a fool for thinking what we had could last. I'm a fool for dreaming myself away so completely. I'm an even greater fool for believing this day where fantasy again becomes reality wouldn't ever come. I know now why I didn't tell you that night how much I love you... somewhere inside I still remembered my past hurt and I had doubts... you never said the words and now I know why; you never felt them. We never gave any promises, I understand. I don't blame you at all. I blame my heart, my own treacherous heart.

"Is it all ending?" your voice is so soft and the look in your eyes confuses me but then it's gone. "I'll stop pretending who we are. It's all ending," the last is a mumble. Suddenly the cab is here and I don't catch your last words.

"I can see us dying... are we?"

I don't catch your question... something about are we... something. I want to ask what you mean but the taxi driver is blowing his horn at me. I look at you, not sure what to do or say. I want to do so many things, kiss you, tell you how I feel, yell at you. Again I do neither but instead take my bags and go to the door, where I turn around and look at you. The sunlight falls through the window in the living room and bathes you in an artistic and unreal glow that I love so much about you. You seem set to say something but I shake my head. I can't bear to hear it, these last minute confessions or lies of staying in touch that will never take place anyhow. My heart has been broken too many times over the years, and if I shall ever be able to try and pick up the pieces you leave me with I can't bear to hear it.

"Don't speak," my voice is hoarse with suppressed emotions but I force myself not to cry. I still have some pride left and I cling to that for dear life. "Don't speak 'cause it hurts too damn much," I whisper the last words as I flee out of the house and into the cab. Tears burn in the corner of my eyes as the cab takes off and drives away. I force myself not to look back, not to think about it... I can't break down now. I can't think about it. I don't turn around. I don't see you standing outside the house, looking after me with tears running down your cheeks. I don't see the small wriggled note that falls from your fingers and onto the ground. The wind plays with your note as it carries it away and I'll never know what you had really intended to tell me... I'll never know what your note said. That doesn't matter much though because you have it memorized by heart, now knowing I'll never hear those words you had fought all week to get just right:
Chapter end notes: Sometimes we have to let go
Of the things we love the most
My love is not made to bind you down
If this is meant to be
You'll return to me

~V
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