It's the small things. It's the looks I'm getting, the whispers behind my back, it's the raised eyebrows and the turned backs. Those things are the worst. Anyone who actually has the nerve to call me anything to my face... them I can handle. It's my right as well as my duty to challenge anyone who questions my honour to a duel. But I can't challenge the entire court. I can't fight what I can't see.
When Aragorn revoked the law, making it legal for us to be together, he thought that all troubles were over, but I knew better. I knew that the day in Lothlorien when he had asked for my heart he had also asked for my life, my honour, and my future. And I had given him all that. Far away, still in war with the possibility of dying so near it was easier to follow my heart. I knew that troubles would await me should we both make it back to Gondor but I didn't think we would. But we did.
I was raised to believe my feelings for Aragorn were wrong, I was raised to believe it was the work of demons. Something not spoken of, something unseen, unheard... something shameful. As a young man I even convicted two men who had been living together in secret to 20 lashes each for such... ungodly behaviour. I had been proud of my action and so had my father... my father, the church and the court. They had all said I had made the right decision. Then I had pretended not to see the love in the looks between the two of them, I had pretended I didn't care when the strongest of them in vain tried to plea and fight for his lover; he even offered to take double punishment if I would let his lover go. I had turned my heart to ice, my mind to stone, and believed blindly in rules and regulations; not thinking one single thought for myself.
Many things in me fought my attraction to Aragorn for so long until I gave in and let my feelings run free, but always with the thought in the back of my mind that no one would know save the Fellowship and they would never tell because it's accepted among both Hobbits and Elves to have a partner of the same sex and Dwarfs simply don't care.
Then the day came when we completed our quest; amazingly all alive and well. I was filled with happiness and fear all at the same time. Aragorn has never had the fear, the doubts, nor the agony and pain over our relationship as I have. He was raised among Elves with their religion, their view on life, on love, and what's right and wrong. I was raised by human standards and I was haunted by human fears. Though I knew even then that I loved Aragorn; he was the first person I had ever really loved, it still didn't stop my thoughts from wandering far and wide. By night my dreams were tormented by nightmares and at day I thought far too much over everything and nothing in between. I thought of religion though I had never been much of a religious person. I wondered if it was true that my soul would be damned for all time because of my love for another man. I thought if it was true I was a demon for possessing such feelings towards Aragorn. I wondered if my love for Aragorn would mean I had brought shame upon my family and name. My thoughts were spinning out of control and I felt like I was drowning. Only safe in Aragorn's arms could I for a moment find peace from all the voices in my head.
After the War Of The Ring ended as we threw the Ring into Mt. Doom together, the Fellowship parted with the promise to all meet at least once a year for we had all come to love each other like only brothers in arms can. The little ones went back to the Shire, Gimli went with Legolas to Mirkwood to see his Kingdom and Aragorn and I headed for Gondor. As we neared the city I grew more and more nervous. Aragorn sensed that and as we entered the White City he didn't hold my hand, and when he met my brother and father he remained silent of our relationship. And I was glad. But the moment I realised that I was happy for him hiding our love I got angry with myself. Was I seeking to live a lie? Was that who I was? No, it wasn't and never would be. The truth would be painful but there was no way around it. Either we stayed together as a couple, like the lovers we were or we parted ways. Aragorn once again sensed my troubles and gave me room and time to think. It wasn't that I loved him any less but the past never quite lets go and it's hard to go against everything you were raised to believe in... it's hard to admit that for years you have lived a lie; believed in a lie.
My answer was the same as the one I had given him in Lothlorien. It would be a lot harder now but I knew that Aragorn would always be my one and only love. If I denied him I would deny a piece of myself. I might be able to live up to others standards but could I ever live up to my own if I had cowardly run away from the one person I truly loved and who unconditionally loved me back? No, I couldn't and that I told him. He warned me that it would be hard but I just smiled at him and made light of it; claiming I could take it all though inside I was more nervous than ever.
My father's reaction was disastrous, ending in a huge fight where he claimed he now had only one son. My mother was supportive as soon as my father had left; she never dared to argue with my father openly. My brother, my little baby brother, had always looked up to me and sought my protection. I feared his rejection more than anything. I don't know what I would have done had he turned on me. To my happiness he didn't turn away from me. He turned out to be one of my greatest supporters and it's strange how these days he has become the protector. We told the public and though there as expected was some against it, the general reaction was one of 'I didn't hear that. We don't talk about it, we don't see it'. In the public I was already well known for my skills as a warrior and leader and that I think saved me from their judgement. They weren't with me in this matter but they didn't go against me either.
The nobles and the church on the other hand... the former hated it because they had looked forth to a stronger alliance between the Royal House of Fingolfin that Arwen would bring as Aragorn's wife and then because they have always been too wrapped up in their own affairs to notice much of anything. Too many Nobles do next to nothing of importance and have far too much time on their hands to make the smallest thing into a scandal or never get over small hurts and this was a scandal they could work on forever. The church was against it on general principle.
Recently I sat next to one of the ruling priests at a banquet and asked him why because his contempt for me was as clear as if he had written a sign. He said it stood in our Holy Book and so forth. Tired of hearing that old line of argument I took him to the Royal Library after dinner, put our Holy Book in his hands and asked him to show me where it stood that it was a sin for two men - or two women - to love each other. He had looked confused at me and then begun to fanatically search in the book. He searched all evening but never found anything. As it was time for him to leave, I asked him why he thought he didn't find anything. There was murder in his eyes as he told me through clenched teeth that it was common knowledge that living like I did was a sin; he didn't need a book for that. I smiled dangerously at him and asked him which God had died to make room for him since he apparently found himself worthy to pass judgement in the name of our Gods. He hadn't answered that but merely left though I have a feeling my discussion with him didn't improve on the church's opinion of me.
Lately I've become better at seeing the humour in such situations because I have found I have to. If I let their scorn get to me I would die. In the beginning I was plagued by self-doubt and fears. Not just for myself but for Aragorn also. What would history say of him? How would it remember him? He's a great King and I want history to remember him for that and not for our relationship just like I want to be remembered for my deeds and not like... well, like an abnormality; something strange, forbidden, and shameful.
In the evening Aragorn always asks me how my day has been and he'll tell of his. His voice is always so enthusiastic when he tells of all his new laws and all the changes he has made. He seems so happy like he was born to do this and I know he was. But that often leaves me wondering... what was I born to do? I thought it was to rule Gondor but it's not.
But what is it then? Is it to love Aragorn... or is it something else?
For a long time I wondered about this until I found I spent too much time wondering and way too little appreciating what I've got. Actually it was Arwen who opened my eyes to that when she visited the White City not long after the War ended. When she came my fears turned from myself and the view the world had on me and my relationship to Aragorn.. as I realised I could lose him. I could lose the man I love. I had never seen Lord Elrond's daughter before but when I did I understood why Aragorn talked of her with such warmth. She was breathtaking but her beauty wasn't only skin-deep. Her beauty shinned from her heart. She was like a diamond shinning so brightly or the amazingly sun itself. She was always smiling and always kind. She accepted her necklace and vow back with a smile and said she had known something like this would happen. She then spoke to me, her voice so soft as a lover's caress. She told me I was lucky to have Aragorn in my life and she hoped I knew that. I nodded and said I did because in that moment I truly understood what she meant. I'm happy that today I can call her friend and know that I helped her find happiness again with Legolas as they are both very dear to me; almost as much as they are to Aragorn.
Since that day I've never doubted that my decision to stay with Aragorn is the right one. I can remember with a bittersweet taste in my mouth the carefreeness of my childhood but that's long gone. I'm no longer a child and I can't have the freedom I had then. The responses I get from some people are my burden to carry alone and I don't trouble Aragorn with it. He can't do anything about it anyway. He's rebuilding a country and it means walking carefully. To tell him which persons have hurt me will only trouble him and pain him when he realises he can't punish them for it like I know he wants to.
My greatest pain I can't and won't tell him. As a child I played with a boy who should grew up to be Lord Kalimal. We did everything together and my happiest memories are of him or with my brother. We were inseparable. We mixed blood and claimed to be blood brothers; that nothing could separate us. I'll never forget the look in his eyes when I told him of Aragorn and me. It was a look of pure shock, hate and contempt. He banished me from his home and from his heart. He denied our friendship and the love that existed between us. For a while I tried to reach him but then gave up. The love I once bore for him turned into hate. Why couldn't he understand? Why?
I realised that he couldn't understand because the man who had come to Lord Elrond's council wouldn't have understood either. We were the same as children, we had the same ideas and code of what was right and wrong. Only love could open my eyes to the poison and lies I had been filled with all through my childhood but how could I explain to him the purity of my feelings when he was sure they were wrong? When he wouldn't even listen? My greatest regret today is the way I behaved as a young man. That I never questioned what I was told, that I believed so blindly, that I could hate so blindly. The image of the two men I convicted haunts me still and today more than ever; now that I know I was wrong, now that I've felt the love they must have felt.
Through all what I've had to endure, no matter how hard it has been I haven't regretted a day. I'm loved and I give love in return. What can be greater? What can be purer? Today no one can convince me that any love when freely given and received is wrong.
It's a matter of control and I've finally taken control over my own destiny and my own future. I know what I have and what I have is what I want. It's that simple.
THE END
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A Matter Of Control by Nadja Lee
Story notes: TIMELINE: Set after the 'LOTR: The Return Of The King' movie/book/whatever.
UNIVERSE: Movie. ONLY movie! This series quickly goes alternative ending though *LOL*
SERIES: Part 4 of "A Matter Of..." series. Earlier parts can be read at my webpage; address given above.
Thanks to Sorcieré for the Beta. Special thanks to Estelle for the great editor job. Thanks so much, lov. Dedicated to Cat who requested this story. Hope it was what you had in mind. Enjoy, lov.
