Courting Death by Carhuine Malthenel

Legolas slowly opened his eyes as consciousness returned. His head hurt, his arm hurt, and most of all his heart hurt. He looked around and realised he was still in the forest.

I'm alive? How? he thought as he looked at his arm.

White bandages ran from his elbow to his wrist. Someone had found him and brought him back. He knew Aragorn had healed him, probably even sutured the wound closed. Yes he did stitch the wound closed. He remembered waking up and feeling pain then Boromir and 'sedated' him. Shame swept over him he had failed again. Tears ran down his face when would he stop failing? he wondered. His father was right he was nothing but a useless failure.

His mind wandered over the many times his father had told him that.


1564 years ago in Mirkwood

Legolas shot an arrow and hit his intended target he stood a minute pleased.

"LEGOLAS!" his father bellowed behind him.

Legolas turned wondering what he had done wrong. His father marched up and tore the bow from his hand.

"You failed! You missed the bulls eye. If that was an orc you would be dead! Why must my heir be such a failure?" Thranduil yelled at him as he handed him back his bow.


1000 years ago in Lorien

Legolas stood in front of Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel apprehensively. He had been sent here along with 50 elves to support the golden wood from the increasing orc attacks. He had been put in charge of the border patrol. He had beaten back the most sever attack and driven the orcs away. Lady Galadriel smiled at him she looked into his eyes as she spoke.

"I thank you Prince Legolas you have saved our realm from the vicious......." her words stopped when Thranduil strode into the room. He backhanded his son viciously. "You failed Legolas! I sent you here to help and you failed!!"

Lord Celeborn stepped between father and son "What is the meaning of this Thranduil? Your son drove away the orcs! We are most grateful for his efforts." he said angrily.

"Yes he did drive away the orcs but he lost a man! No true warrior lets a man die! He failed that man, his family, and me. He is nothing but a failure!"


9 months ago in Mirkwood

"You failed Legolas! I put you in charge of watching the creature Gollum and you failed. He escaped."

"But father he had help! Those orcs set him free they 'rescued' him!" Legolas whispered

"YOU FAILED! You will go to Rivendell and tell Lord Elrond of your failure!"

End




Legolas sighed he knew his father would never like him. But he had to admit he was right he was a failure. The soft rustle of fabric jolted him out of his thoughts. He saw Aragorn coming back from the forest. When he saw Legolas was awake he knelt next to him to check the dressing.

"Why?"

The soft query jerked Aragorn from his ministrations.

"Why what?" Aragorn answered confused.

"Why didn't you let me die? Why won't you just leave me alone?" Legolas asked as he felt the pain of failure overtake him again.

"You are my friend I couldn't let you die. Talk to me please tell me what is wrong?" Aragorn pleaded.

"Leave me alone. Just let me die."

"Legolas........." he started to say

Legolas turned his head away he didn't want to talk. He heard the others start to wake up. He knew they would all hound him until he talked to them. They thought he was one of them but he wasn't. They could all talk and joke with each other but he couldn't. He felt apart from them.

They will all think I am weak and pitiful. he thought angrily. I don't want or need their pity! Legolas slowly sat upright waiting until the dizziness passed. The rest of the fellowship was awake and starting their morning routine. Boromir went to gather more firewood, Merry and Pippin were playfully arguing, Gimli sat brooding, Sam and Frodo were cooking breakfast, and Aragorn sat smoking his pipe. Only he had nothing to do. He sighed as his torturous thoughts continued. Why couldn't he be happy? Why must his heart hurt so much? Why was everything his fault? He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he did not see Frodo approaching.

"Legolas? Do you want to talk?" he asked gently sitting next to him. Legolas sighed he knew this was coming so he responded in kind.

"Fine." he snapped loudly addressing the fellowship. "You all want to know what's wrong? Fine I will tell you. I care not."

The fellowship all looked at him as they sat patently waiting for him to continue.

"I do this..." he said gesturing at his scarred arm "Because I am a failure. I failed my father, my kingdom, and my race. I was in charge of Gollum but I failed. No matter what I did it was never good enough for my father. Everyone here has noble reasons for being here except me. I came hoping my father would be proud of me. Gandalf was my friend and I failed him. I fail at everything I do. I contribute nothing to the fellowship, nothing! You all joke, laugh, and cry together I cannot do these things. I have no friends none! You all say you are my friends but your not no can be my friend. I am distant, cold, unforgiving, stubborn, and hateful. I am flawed and imperfect. I fail at everything even love. I hate myself and I want to die. I do not say anything witty, do anything right, I always screw up. My father was right I am a failure I am unworthy of his love, his title, his throne. I am tainted by cancerous feelings of lust. I do not like maidens and my father says i will never inherit the throne unless I marry." he buried his head in his hands and cried. They will hate me now.

The fellowship stared and his revelations and said nothing.
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