The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep
--Robert Frost
I'm not like most people.
I didn't leave my post when I caught a glimpse of him falling under the axe of the enemy. I stayed put; I continued to fire deadly arrows and to slice through flesh with my twin blades. I carried on defending the people of Rohan when most others would have left immediately, their hearts being stronger than their heads.
Don't get me wrong, I know that I should have been there beside him. Holding him in a comforting embrace, whispering words of love and admiration into his ear and placing small butterfly kisses -the type that he so adored- on his perfect face.
But I wasn't there. I didn't leave my station. And so he died alone. He was all alone with only the icy grip of impending death to aide him in those final precious moments when it should have been me holding on to his hand instead.
I can't help but wonder if he was scared as he fell to the ground and felt the cold, wet stone against his cheek.
I can't help but hope that he tried to call out for me with his final breath.
I can't help but believe that his last thought was of me.
I'm not like most people.
I wasn't afraid to admit just how deeply I cared for Lothlorien's march warden and I made sure to tell Haldir those three little words as often as possible. It would have been foolish for me not to. After all, what would be the point in loving someone and never voicing it?
No, the real reason I told him as much as I did was in case something happened to me. I was the one of the dangerous quest, the one who would be in untold peril and risking my life at every twist and turn. I didn't want to die and leave Haldir the torture of never knowing whether I loved him or not.
But Fate is cruel and her sister Death has a wicked sense of humour.
For it was not I who passed into the Halls of Mandos but it was he instead. I thought of him as safe, sheltered by the golden wood and the magic surrounding it. It is only now that I realize just how much I underestimated him. Haldir would never stand by and watch a war happen as it has never been in his nature to observe. Nay, my love would always have to intercept and take part in any way that he could.
And so it was that bravery that killed him in the end.
Aragorn's hand rests gently on my shoulder and I think this is his way of soothing me. One look at the pity in his face confirms the fact and I smile sadly at him as I know he hopes for some kind of reaction.
So I let the tears fall and trace old tracks down my cheeks not caring if he sees. I don't mind sharing my grief with those willing to lighten the burden that it brings.
I'm not like most people.
I know what the loss of a loved one can do to an elf that doesn't let out his or her feelings. I know perfectly well what a broken heart is truly capable of if you bottle everything up inside. I know that I don't want to fade away like my beloved mother did all those years ago. I will not succumb to the temptation of taking the easy way out and following him to Mandos instead of staying here without him.
I am not like most people.
I will not take the cowardly way out for I know that I am still needed in this war. I sense that in time my role will become greater in the events that are to play out on Arda. There are things that still need to be done and I have promises to fulfill. I will not run away from the violence and misfortune of war. Nay, I shall face it head on in the way that my lover did even if it means death.
I am like most people.
I will weep just as hard as any other who has suffered what I have. I will scream and lash out at those around me as the feeling of frustration builds up from within. I will feel the guilt of not being there to save him in time. I will worry over whether or not I could have changed things with just one little action. Aragorn is holding me tightly now and I realize that I have stopped crying. I'm not sure when I stopped, perhaps I never started.
And a thought suddenly strikes me and I can't help but whisper it aloud.
"I'm going to miss him for the rest of my life."
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