Legolas woke up slowly, his memories of the night before a jumble of images and sounds that as yet made no sense. He became aware of a familiar, comforting scent and the warmth of powerful arms holding him. He came awake with a jolt when he recognized the Elf before him.
Elrohir lay propped up against a plump pillow, slightly on his side so that he cradled Legolas in his arms allowing the prince to rest his head against his chest. The twin was fast asleep as evinced by his closed eyes and even breathing. He had changed into fresh nightclothes and, save for the bruises on his temple and throat, looked none the worse for the horrific assault Legolas had subjected him to.
Memory came surging back to the archer with singular clarity. He gazed at the younger twin in mingled remorse and bemusement before becoming conscious of more than one presence in his bed.
He turned his head and looked behind him. There lay a sleeping Elladan, also on his side facing the prince, his arms folded across his chest. Getting more and more perplexed, Legolas sensed yet another figure at the foot of his large bed. He glanced down and gasped. Her dark hair spilling over her shoulders, Arwen slumbered peacefully, her slim form shrouded in a warm blanket.
Legolas was astounded. The siblings had stayed the night with him. And they had arranged themselves in such a way that he would feel utterly protected and comforted when he finally awoke from his drug-induced sleep. It was then that he realized they had also divested him of his soiled clothing, sponged him clean and dressed him in bed-clothes. He swallowed hard at this evidence of their love for him.
"Are you all right, Calenlass?" a soft voice caught his attention. He glanced up at Elrohir, the only one who used the affectionate pet name on him.
He nodded and said in a hushed voice: "Thank you."
"Don't mention it," Arwen said with a drowsy smile, rising from her position.
"Aye, think nothing of it," Elladan yawningly agreed from behind him.
Legolas was indescribably touched. "I do not know how I can ever repay you," he said. "After what I did..."
Arwen leaned forward and put her fingers to his lips. "You are our hearts' brother, Legolas. There is nothing to repay." She withdrew her hand. "However, 'tis time that you properly grieved."
Elladan nodded. "You must express your sorrow else you will never fully recover."
Tears stung the archer's eyes but refused to fall. He said brokenly: "How can I grieve when 'twas I who caused her death?"
Elladan said firmly: "'Twas not your fault, gwador. 'Twas no one's fault. Your mother would be the first to tell you that if she were here."
Arwen took his hand and squeezed it. "Please, Legolas, do not try to hold in your sadness. Let it out. You will honor her that way."
Legolas felt his throat tighten. It was so difficult. He had held in his self-hatred and guilt for so long. How could he weep now?
He felt Elrohir's lips near his ear. "Even were you truly to blame for her passing, 'twould still be your right to grieve for her," he murmured. At Legolas' startled stare, he said emphatically: "'Tis the right of any child to mourn a parent's loss even should that loss lie at the child's feet. Yet this was not your doing, Legolas. No one believes it, not your family or us and your beloved naneth, least of all. Only you believe it and by doing so bring no peace to her spirit." The prince's stare turned watery, the first hint of the dam starting to erode. Elrohir said sadly: "Ah, if only I could, I would bear your sorrow. I would take your pain. What will it take for you to accept the truth? Please tell me, Calenlass. I can no longer bear to see you thus."
He looked at the younger twin. The Elf's grey eyes swam as he gazed at the archer. There was compassion in his gaze and infinite patience and wholehearted trust and acceptance and so much more. Elrohir's unflinching empathy finally breached the dam of Legolas' emotions. The prince shuddered as the first tears began to spill from his eyes.
With a harsh sob, he buried his face in the Elf-knight's chest and wept for the first time since Ithilwen's death. Elrohir held him tightly, stroking his shining hair, whispering soothing words. Elladan and Arwen smiled with relief through their own tears. Leave it to Elrohir to get to the heart of the matter. He had always known Legolas best and understood his needs long before others were even aware they existed.
The prince cried for the better part of an hour, emptying himself until he was so spent he slipped into deep slumber once more. The siblings did not abandon him even then but took turns watching over him. When he awakened several hours later, he found Elrohir patiently sitting by the bed. No hint of wariness or accusation clouded his eyes in spite of what the archer had done to him the last time he had come upon him alone. Legolas was profoundly touched.
Elrond looked up from the documents he'd been perusing when Elladan entered the study. The older twin sank down quietly into one of the chairs facing his father's ornate desk.
"How is Legolas?" Elrond inquired.
"Elrohir brought him to the dining hall for a light meal," Elladan replied. "He hasn't had anything to eat since yestermorn and the incident last night took quite a bit out of him."
"Understandably," Elrond commented. "And did this morning's business prove cathartic as well?"
"Amazingly so. He finally let out his grief. It helped that Elrohir knew what to say and do." The Elf-warrior pursed his lips musingly. "As always."
Elrond took note of his older son's odd tone of voice. "What is it, gweniuar? Do you take exception to your brother's affinity with the prince?"
Elladan looked at his father, startled. "Of course not!" he replied. "Elbereth knows we have all hoped he would find a friend such as he has in Legolas. I have no quarrel with their closeness at all. It's just that..."
"Yes...?"
"I worry that his regard is far more profound than it should be." Elladan looked uncertainly at his father. "You know how he is. Ever slow to yield his heart but fiercely committed once it is yielded."
Elrond frowned. "Do you suspect that Elrohir has began to feel something other than the love of a friend for Legolas?"
"I truly do not know," the twin answered. "He professes that he does not and I have always trusted his judgment of himself. But his demeanor with Legolas disturbs me at times." He hesitated. "He is too...tender and understanding. He sometimes reminds of...well, of you... the way you are with Nana."
Elrond stared at his son in surprise. "I had not noticed," he admitted. "It has ever been his manner with Legolas since the first of your acquaintanceship."
"And it has made me wonder ever since, Ada, for it has never been Elrohir's wont to be enamored so swiftly or to dote so fulsomely on any outside of our family. I am concerned that his feelings have deepened far more than is seemly and will continue to deepen with the years. He denies it but his actions belie his words."
"This is indeed awkward," Elrond mused. "Considering the present constraints in Eryn Galen..."
"Exactly. Were it an Elf from hereabouts or Lindon or Lorien, there would be no cause for alarm. But Legolas--! Unless the situation changes in Greenwood I see no possible solution should my suspicions prove true." He looked imploringly at his father. "Ai, Ada, what if I am right? I do not want Elrohir to suffer such a grievous hurt."
Elrond swiftly rose and went to his son. Placing a comforting hand on the Elf-warrior's shoulder, he gently said: "'Tis natural that you should fear for him for he is your twin and closer to you than any other. But you cannot shield him from his heart's desires or the pain that may come to him as a result. You can only be there for him when he has need of your love and solace. At least, be glad he seeks his life's mate amongst our kindred and not in the ranks of human-kind as my brother did. 'Twas difficult enough letting Elros go. I do not think I could endure the loss of any of my children to that fate as well."
Elladan stared at his father's suddenly sorrowful countenance. "I'm sorry, Ada!" he softly exclaimed. "I should not have reminded you of--"
"Not your doing, gweniuar," Elrond swiftly cut him off. "That tragedy and the pain of it is something I live with every day of my life. But you and your mother and siblings have brought me such great joy that it has more than compensated me for the loss of my brother." He shook Elladan affectionately. "As your caring will compensate Elrohir for any heartbreak he may need to bear."
"I hope 'twill be enough," Elladan remarked gravely. "But I will do my utmost to help him, that I promise."
Elrond's lips quirked with unexpected humor. "Help him what? To get over the loss of love or to win it?"
The older twin had to grin in return albeit weakly. "Whichever he will need," he rejoined.
Their conversation was necessarily ended by the appearance of the subjects of it. While Elrond returned to his seat behind his desk, Elrohir led a subdued Legolas to the comfortable couch against the near wall. He made to move to another chair but the prince pleadingly pulled him back and he relented and sat by his friend instead. Legolas looked up with some trepidation at the twins' father but, to his relief, he saw naught but kindness and sympathy in Elrond's grey eyes.
"I wish to apologize for everything that has happened, Lord Elrond," he haltingly began. "I know I have been a burden to you and yours and--"
"You have not been a burden," Elrond corrected him. "It has ever been our delight to have you with us."
"You are too kind, my lord," Legolas murmured.
"Not at all, Legolas," the Imladrin lord replied. "Would we turn away or forsake one we consider a part of our family? Certainly, my sons would turn on me were I to do so."
Legolas blushed then glanced gratefully from one twin to the other before addressing Elrond once more. "You said Adar told you about... what I did after...? He trailed off uncomfortably.
"Thranduil recounted to us that you attacked several members of his household and even some of your mother's kin," Elrond said. "He mentioned your latest victim was Brethildor which was fortunate as your brother is a formidable warrior and well able to defend himself." He paused to allow Legolas time to digest the information. "He also told us that these bouts of rage usually took place after a violent engagement and always when you were asleep or in a semi-conscious state. For that reason, I gave instructions to everyone never to approach you by themselves particularly when you were unconscious or newly awakened."
Legolas flinched, discomposed by the former's frankness. "After I assaulted Brethildor, father took me off scout duty and also ensured no one ever remained alone with me when I slept," he admitted. "'Twas a wise move and kept me from hurting anyone else. I am only thankful no one died as a result of my madness." He darted a haunted look at Elrohir.
Despite the Elf-knight's refusal to reveal anything further of what the prince had done to him, Legolas suspected his friend may very well have become the first casualty of his unbidden rampages.
Elrond shook his head. "'Twas not madness that drove you, ernil neth, but only your deep-seated feelings of guilt and hatred. You refused to express your sorrow or confide your sense of worthlessness and self-recrimination and thus buried these feelings deep in your mind. 'Twas a dangerous thing to do for they surfaced when you were not in control of your conscious thought and manifested themselves in your assaults on any who happened to be in your presence."
Legolas glanced at Elrohir again, shame mingling with curiosity. "You knew 'twas perilous to be alone with me when I was unconscious and after a fight no less. Why did you do so last night?" he queried.
Elrohir sighed. "A foolish miscalculation," he said. "I thought you had expended all your rage during the encounter with the bandits and would not harbor hidden feelings so soon after."
Elrond demurred. "'Twas a reasonable assumption, gwenneth," he pointed out. He looked once more at the prince "Your outburst with Elladan was the first you'd given in to since your mother's passing . Though you had loosened up enough with my sons to express displeasure..." He paused when Legolas cast a pained look at the twins. "You were not quite yourself, Legolas. My sons knew all too well what drove you and did not take it against you." He waited for the prince's discomfiture to subside before continuing. "As I was saying, though you were able to release some of your tension, it was not enough. You needed a more exhaustive outlet for your rage and your expression of it after the battle with the bandits was an important step in the right direction. I very much doubt you would have attacked Elrohir had you given full vent to your feelings after that encounter."
"That was my doing," Elladan said ruefully. "I should have known better than to stop Legolas from expending his feelings. Instead, I stupidly caused him to bottle them up once more. How I ever imagined I could be as good a healer as you, Ada, is beyond me."
Elrond smiled faintly. "Do not blame yourself overmuch, Elladan," he said. "You were newly come from battle and could hardly be expected to think clearly. Besides, the path to healing is not always straight and true and many obstacles arise unlooked for that even the most tested of healers cannot anticipate."
Legolas looked at him uncertainly. "Will I...will I do this again?" he asked in a hushed voice.
"That will depend on you," Elrond honestly replied. "That you finally allowed yourself to mourn your mother was an even bigger step toward healing. If you cease to keep these feelings of hate and self-blame to yourself, if you vent them instead of repressing them, I see no reason why your spirit should not eventually be healed in full."
Legolas nodded slowly. He looked from Elrohir to Elladan. "I have the two of you to thank," he murmured. "You showed me nothing but utmost patience and understanding even when I took out my anger on you. If only I had trusted you more, the attack last night..." He shuddered. Getting a hold of himself, he continued: "You are right, Lord Elrond. In all these months that I did not grieve, I felt such a heaviness of spirit that I could scarcely breath freely. The burden is not so oppressive now though I will confess, I still feel..." he gulped, forced down the tightness in his throat. "I cannot stop blaming myself for what happened. I keep thinking that had I been more vigilant, Naneth would still be alive. Even now, I want to kill those knaves all over again!" He closed his eyes, bent his head. "I have oft dreamt of how I would slay them and now that the deed is done I feel I was too merciful and wish I had prolonged their torment. 'Tis a terrible thing to desire but I cannot help it. I..." he stopped, shivering from the intensity of his emotions.
He felt a hand take his and hold it fast. Raising his head, he realized it was Elrohir. He flushed but held his friend's hand in turn, thankful for his boundless compassion and unconditional acceptance.
"I am rambling," he murmured a little embarrassedly.
The grip on his hand tightened reassuringly.
"Ramble as much as you want, Calenlass," the Elf-knight gently said. "We are listening."
Legolas took heart, drew a steadying breath, and did.
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Greenleaf and Imladris 5. Gwador: Sorrow's First Dawning by Eresse
Chapter end notes: gweniuar - older twin
Ada - Papa
ernil neth - young prince
gwenneth - younger twin
