'Twas the night before Yule, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,
Though there was Legolas who started to scream
"UNCLE, MY DADDY LOVES YOU! You know what I mean!"

The Stocking were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas... wouldn't be there
For all the elves know like Legolas in favor,
That Santa uses the elves for slave labor.

And I, Elrond, was nestled all snug in my bed,
While nightmares of Thranduil haunted my head.
And Celebrian in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap
Had just settled down for a long erm... winter's nap

When outdoor there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
By the Valar! If that was Elrohir I'd whip his ass
So, I tore open the shutters and threw up my, erm the, sash

The moon on the breast of the ... new-fallen snow
Gave way to the lusty objects below,
When what to my wondering eyes, on the ground of course, should appear,
But a miniature cart, and eight tiny ... deer?

With a little old driver so lively and quick!
I pondered a moment and thought "Gandalf, or St. Nick!"
More rapid than eagles his course they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them all names!
"Now Fatty! Now Lumpkin, Asfaloth and Bill!
On, Hasufel! On, Wise-nose! On, snowmane, and Tom Bombadil!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! ... DASH AWAY! I SAID DASH AWAY!!!! ALL!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
when they meet with an obstacle-DUDE, GOLLUM CAN FLY!

So up to the housetop the courses they flew,
With sleigh full of precious..es, and Gandalf too.
An then in a twinkling, or rather a crash,
Gollum ran with a yell as Gandalf whipped his ass

As a drew my sword, and was turning around
Down the chimney Gollum came with a bound
He was dressed in nothing, from his head to his foot
And his skin was all greenish and his bum had some soot;
A bundle of precious..es he had flung on his back
And he looked kinda sexy (you know with that pack)
His eyes-how they twinkled! His bum though was hairy...
His cheeks were like dirt, his dance kinda merry!
His strange little mouth was drawn open like a bow
THE GODS! Was he single? I just had to know.

The stump of a finger he held tight in his teeth
And then I backed up 'cause he might want to eat...
He had a broad little face and his legs were short
He wasn't Santa! I could take him to court!
He looked at me, a very scared elf,
"Precioussssssssss" he whispered, only to himself.

A flutter of eyes and a twist of his head
Told me right then I had something to dread...
He spoke not a word, but when straight to his work
GET YOUR HAND OFF THAT! I said with a jerk

And I looked at the creature as he opened his bag,
out jumped my worst nightmare, Thranduil the hag.
He sprang to my side, and he gave me a whistle
and then he jumped me, the clever old thistle...
And I heard Gollum exclaim, as he ran out of sight...
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, THRANDUIL! ENJOY YOUR NIGHT!"

"Take me Rondy!" he exclaimed in a flurry,
"Come on, stay Rondy! No need to hurry...'
I ran like hell from the room in a flourish
"I'd rather have Gollum than you to nourish!"

And then I heard bells ... and wondered why
My sweet, precious Gollum always had to fly
And then I screamed, oh what a fright!
For I was Thranduil's, this Christmas night.