I sit in front of the mirror, looking at myself. Who are you? Why don't I recognize you? There's a stranger looking back at me. I am shocked by my own eyes. Did they always look so cold, so helpless? All I see is pain. Tears follow a familiar path down my pale face.

Outside the sun is shining, one could call it a beautiful day. But for me it is not. The colors, that were once so bright and lovely, seem dull. But when I see their happy faces, the faces of the people I've known all my life, a strange sense of sad joy comes over me. I've done all of this for them, for my friends. They are happy. That's good. But happiness is not for me. When I close my eyes I see dark shadows, I hear cries of pain and fear and cold anger. The enemy is everywhere, hiding in each dark corner of my mind. I hardly dare to breathe.

But when I am around you I pretend I am happy. Like all that happened is just something from the past, a far away memory. For you it is. But I can still feel it. The burden of the Ring is gone, and yet I feel its presence still around me. The weight upon my shoulders is as heavy as ever. But when I'm around you I'll pretend to be happy. For your sake. I do not want you to know of my pain, of the nightmare I live in. My lie will not have been for nothing.

At least I always thought it was a lie. And maybe in the beginning it was, and it hurt me so to say it. I turned away. You should not find out the truth. But I did love you. How could I not have? You were my savior, if it hadn't been for you I would have given up a long time ago. So loyal you were. I am so sorry, Sam, I never meant to break your heart. But it was for the best.

You used to say we left a part of our soul in the Shire. That's why we felt so empty inside, why hope seemed to leave us at times. And I think you were right. When we got back you found that part of your soul again, I can see in your eyes that you are happy. But the piece of soul I left behind seems to have been blown away by the wind. I can't find it here. This is my home and yet it is not. It is the same place as it always was, but I have changed. I left my soul behind in Mount Doom. It's still there, in its hot depths, fighting the Ring, fighting the dark. It's being twisted and tortured. Don't close your eyes.

I collapsed on the slope of Mount Doom. But I had to go on, I had not come this far to just give up! For Middle-Earth, for my friends, for all that is yet good in this world I had to go on! But my legs refused to listen to my commands. A hot fire burned beneath my closed eyelids as I fell to ground. Everything was hurting. My head was pounding. My scar burned. My mouth was dry and my throat ached fiercely. I had to rest, I had to sleep. Just for a while, rest and forget. But you were there. I could only see your eyes, your concerned and hopeful eyes. You remembered the Shire. But I could not. Were those memories had been there were now dark shadows, and one big red eye looking at me, bright red flames dancing around my mind. If only it was all over.

I dream of that moment very often. All hope seems to be lost and my body is set afire. And you, you are there, always. You begin telling me about the Nazgûl, about wargs, about Uruk-Hai setting the Shire afire and slaying all our friends. You tell me I am weak. That I abandoned them because I didn't get up. And then you hit me. You hit me until blood is streaming out of my nose, my mouth, my eyes. I am blind and warm blood streams over my sore face. But I was only crying. Crying warm, wet tears, falling down on my pillow.

But that was of course not what happened. You told me about the Shire. Recalling memories I had lost. 'And if I had ever been to marry someone, it would have been...' His voice broke. 'You.' It was a mere whisper. You took my face in your hands. 'It would have been you.' And then you leaned forward. There, on the slope of Mount Doom, between dark rocks and dark sky, you kissed me. Your lips, your dry tongue against mine. I tasted dirt and sweat. It was hardly pleasant. And yet you warmed my heart, like no one had ever done before. I loved you, Samwise Gamgee, oh, how much I loved you. I would have done anything for you. But not go in there, no. Just kiss me, Sam.

But the love seems to be gone now. While the pain doesn't leave me. And the fear, it will not leave me be. The mirror tells the truth. I am beyond help now. No words of peace, no gentle Galadrim's touch, not even you can save me now. I am lost, drifting away in the dark.

He came to me when I was wandering alone, lost inside my own mind. The Elf dropped down from the trees, and without saying a word he approached me and lifted me in his arms. He carried me away like I was a little child. And I felt like a child. His soft hair smelled like a forest river. I wanted to cry. He walked for a while, and then he gently put me down on the ground near the edge of a lake, in the middle of the forest. I sat down next to him. In his eyes I saw he understood.

He told me to listen. There were voices, soft voices everywhere, singing the most beautiful songs. But it were no Elven voices I heard. It was like the voices were coming from the lake itself, welling up from its depths. Never I had heard a sound like that before, and I probably never will again. It was miraculous. And he sang along, his Elven voice carried away over the lake. I felt my mind go to peace. I don't know how long we sat there, but at a certain moment he stood up, and motioned for me to come along. He brought me back to the others.

Many more times he came for me. I cannot tell you how important that was to me. Only he made me feel better, gave me new hope. We hardly ever talked. He was like a childhood friend, he understood my wishes and needs. I can still remember his hands, caressing my face, my neck, my shoulders, my bare chest. I still remember the feeling of his lips upon mine. And in his eyes I saw love. And that was what I needed. To be loved.

But I did not love him, not in that way. It was you my heart belonged to, I just didn't realize it yet. Sometimes I wish I would have known earlier, so that you could have touched my body like he did. That it would have been your soft lips trailing kisses down my neck. But it is good that was not so. At least now I didn't break your heart that bad. You are happy with Rosie, and I am glad for that. But yes, sometimes I wondered if I made the right decision. But now I know for sure I did. The last thing I want is to drag you along in my misery. Your soul should not be bound to mine, for then we will both go under. I must face this alone and let you live your life.


But now my love is gone. It is like there is a cold fist around my heart. I do not feel anything special anymore when I look upon your face, when your eyes meet mine. They say time heals all wounds, but it is a lie. My shoulder doesn't stop hurting, and neither does my soul. I feel tired, so, so tired. But I can't find rest with those dreams hunting me. I must leave. There is nothing to keep me here. Gandalf visited. He saw right through me like the Lady of the Golden Wood once did, he saw the hell I live in. He asked me to come with him, sail away, far away. He asked me to say goodbye.

And now we stand here, seeing off Bilbo, so you think. But I am leaving as well, I have to, Sam, please understand. You look shocked. You cry. But tears won't leave my eyes. I have cried enough, I am leaving the tears behind now. Goodbye, Pippin, Merry, my friends.

I give you the book. I finished my tale, and now it is for you to make sure it is read. The people will remember us, Sam. They will remember us, and the others who played their part in the story. A tear will leave your eye when you read it. For it is my own truth that I have written down. If you were ever to marry someone, it would have been her. It would have been her. That's how it'll be remembered. That's how the tale will live on. I hug you, I hear your sobs. It is for the best Sam, you'll understand. I look into your eyes, I see the pain in them, and also, though I wish it were not there, a secret longing. For one moment my own heart stirs. I lean forward, hesitate... Place the kiss on your forehead.

My heart is empty as I walk towards the ship. I do not feel. The future is unknown. But then I see it. Lady Galadriel smiles, revealing the truth! A sudden realization dawns. I understand, I can see it now! I'll say goodbye! Goodbye to all the pain and fear and shadows in my mind! Goodbye to the cold fist around my heart! I smile, I turn around and smile brightly. Goodbye, Middle-Earth! Goodbye my friends, goodbye Sam! Goodbye! Oh, the joy!

And then we sail off. No longer I look towards the shore behind me, towards the past. No, my face is turned towards the future, the brilliant light caressing my face, taking away the dark inside my mind. I will not remember. Goodbye...