There are no heroes in this story, so please do not attempt to look on the bright side. Those expecting symbolism, relevancy, or any trace of plot will have their pants stapled to the floor.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Love to the author of The Very Secret Diary Of the Fellowship, the first and best LOTR comedy I've stumbled upon. Respect to the Terrific Tolkein who would track me down and beat me with his typewriter if he knew what shenanigans I was up to. Finally, for Sue: my best friend, comedic inspiration, and favourite redhead.

PAIRING: Uhh... No one you know.

WARNING: Graphic language, bad attitudes, inappropriate use of Elven toilets.