"No! You look like a bloody nineteen-eighties porn star!"

"But my feet are cold."

"No socks! Especially with that effin' mustache. Jehsus, cue the boom-chica-mow-mow music."

"Slippers, then? And I thought you like Diego's mustache. You said it tickles when I — "

"Don't digress. No slippers. Your slippers are filthy."

"And you hate my socks."

"If your feet are cold, you can stick 'em behind me knees, or summat, but I absolutely forbid you to get into this bed starkers but for fuckin' white socks."

"What if I put on pajama bottoms with the socks?"

"Well... I suppose that'll do. What're you laughin' at? And where the hell are you going?"

"Gonna put on my boots."

"It's 2 o'clock in the — boots!?"

"Chica-mow-mow."

"Christ, y'know, sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't slip some sort o' medication into your coffee. Just get into bed, Viggo!"

"How 'bout if I wear green socks, instead of the white ones?"

"It's like tryin' to get a toddler to sleep, isn't it. Look, I'll tell you a story, if you'll just leave the socks and get into this damn bed!"

"When you say 'story,' d'you mean something like 'The Wreck of the Hesperus,' or 'One Fish, Two Fish,' 'cause that first one isn't gonna cut it."

"Ack, your feet are freezin'!"

"See, I told you. I'll get the socks."

"No! Just leave your icicle feet where they are, they'll warm up. Now turn out the light, Viggo. For heaven's sake, you've got publicity interviews tomorrow. In Spanish, no less."

"You know that's not a problem for me. You're getting awfully crotchety in your old age, Bean."

"Go to sleep, Viggo."

"Bossy, too. Sean?"

"Yes?"

"Where's my story?"

"Lord love a... Once upon a time, there was a boy named Jack. Have I told you lately that I love you?"

"I love you, too, Sean. Ooo, you're all warm. So there was a boy named Jack... "

"Bugger-all. This Jack bloke lived with his mother in a little house just outside the village — "

"What color was the house?"

"What?"

"I'm trying to get a mental image. What color was the house?"

"Yellow. Cor, your hand is cold! And Jack and his mother were havin' a rough time of it — "

"Neat, I can feel your nipples getting all pointy."

"Will you move your cold hand, then! Gah, not down there, just — "

"I really like the way the back of your neck smells after a shower, right here, under your hair."

"Um. That's nice, Viggo. See, Jack and his mum had this cow, so his mum told him... "

"You were right, my toes are warming up just fine. So are my hands, actually. But I expect you've noticed that."

"Uh, yeah. Jack took the cow into the-the village... "

"This is <em>much</em> better, Sean. Nice and warm. Hot right down here, actually. So Jack brought the cow into the village, and then what?"

"What? Um, then the young idiot traded the cow for some magic beans, but his mum &#151; oh, Christ."

"Ooooo, and here's the Magic Beanstalk!"

"Damn. And then, oh God, that's good, Jack climbed the beanstalk. Hell."

"Did he really? Like this?"

"Sure, licked it, climbed it, whatever, and there, ummf, were a giant's castle up there in the sky, see... "

"Fi fo fum, I taste the skin of an Englishman! Yum, what color was the castle?"

"The c-castle? Aw hell, green. And there were a magic harp."

"A singing harp?"

"Aye, and a goose that laid golden eggs and Jack stole 'em, 'cause he and his mum were so poor &#151; "

"Bit of a scoundrel, Jack."

"Not the only one round here. Sweet Saint George, do that again &#151; and the giant were awfully angry &#151; oh Christ, that mustache ain't fair, Viggo &#151; so Jack, he fled down the beanstalk back to his mum, with the angry giant &#151; oh god &#151; ragin' after 'im, but he cut down the beanstalk &#151; "

"Let's skip that part. Too disturbing."

"Right, and oh, shit, I can't &#151; Jack escaped and they livedhappily, ohhhrrgh, theylivedhappilyeverafter!"

"... mmmhmm. With the harp and the goose, and they bought back their cow?"

"Uhhhhh... yeah. Vig?"

"Yes, Sean?"

"Tomorrow night I think we'll have 'The Little Engine That Could.'"

"Y'know Sean, that's one of my favorite stories."

"I expect it'll be one of mine as well, Viggo."


end