Summary: Now that the One Ring is destroyed and the war is over, you'd think poor Elrond would be able to get some peace and quiet around Rivendell, don't you? I mean, is it really too much to ask? Apparently so.
Categories: FPS, FPS > ?/? Characters: Elrond
Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Word count: 1506 Read: 6575
Published: May 05, 2009 Updated: May 05, 2009
Warnings: Horny hobbits, drunken elves, jealous dwarves, general chaos.
1. Chapter 1 by Jenna the Evil Pixie
Chapter 1 by Jenna the Evil Pixie
Elrond ran around the corner, puffing a bit, and peered back. Right. He seemed to have lost him. He walked at a more sedate pace up the corridor to his rooms, making a mental note to have a talk with whichever one of his sons had thought it would be funny to get Glorfindel drunk. The blonde didn't often indulge in wine r11; which, possibly, was part of the problem r11; but when he did it always ended up the same way; Elrond kept trying to tell himself he had too much respect for Glorfindel to take advantage of him like that, but unfortunately his old friend was very good with his hands. And his mouth. And... right, enough of that train of thought.
What Elrond needed now was a good book and an early night. Let Arwen and Estel be the hosts to that rowdy crowd for a while. With any luck it would keep them busy and keep their hands off each other. Were either of them actually aware that they weren't married yet? Elrond would have never taken such liberties with Celebrian when they were engaged r11; which admittedly might have had something to do with the fact that his mother-in-law could read his mind r11; and did, at regular intervals r11; and also that Celebrian had carried a knife in her garter to ward off any pre-marital nooky. Frigid cow.
He managed to reach his rooms without being assaulted by Glorfindel r11; perhaps he'd latched on to Erestor. The door swung open, and he wandered in with a sigh of relief. Right. A glass of the good brandy and his illustrated copy of 'The Truth about Mirkwood Elves', and he'd be set for the... his bed was moving.
Upon closer inspection it wasn't the actual bed, just the sheets. Taking one corner of the bedclothes and whispering under his breath "please don't be Glorfindel, please don't be Glorfindel", he whipped them away, revealing what lay underneath.
It wasn't Glorfindel. Two hobbits looked up at him in mild surprise.
"Hey, Mr Elrond!" chirped Merry. "Don't worry, we'll be done in a bit.".
Pippin just waved.
"What are you doing in my bed?" Elrond asked, although in fact the answer was quite horrifyingly obvious.
"We're playing a game." said Merry.
He could feel a migraine coming on. This was not good. "A game?" he parroted. Pippin swallowed, and answered.
"We're playing 'Every Room in the House'. Although there are certainly a lot of rooms in your house, Mr Elrond, so we're playing 'As Many Rooms as You Can' instead, against Frodo and Sam. We're up to twelve!"
Elrond just stared at them, disbelieving. "You... you..."
"Do you think we broke him?" asked Pippin.
"I don't know, Pip." said Merry. "Maybe he doesn't know about 'Every Room in the House'"
Pippin gaped at this suggestion. "What about 'Daisy Chain'? Or 'Pile Up'? He knows about them, right?"
"I don't think so, Pip."
Pippin sniffed. "Legolas knew all kinds of games." he pointed out, smiling at fond memories.
"Yeah." said Merry. "Quite educational, really. I didn't know it was possible to do that position up a tree. Although I still think it's cheating to count Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White as two separate points for 'Everybody in the Fellowship'. He's the same guy. And it puts him two whole points up on us."
"Well it's just lucky that we got Boromir before he croaked."
There was a small distressed noise from the direction of Elrond, possibly described best as a 'wibble' The hobbits looked up at him in surprise.
"He still here?"
Before that question could be answered, Gandalf burst in through the door.
"Fool of a Took!" he said, brandishing his staff in the general direction of Pippin. "Get a move on, why don't you. Frodo and Sam are up to fifteen, and any minute now they're going to break out of the storeroom I locked them in. I've got money riding on this, you know." He turned to look at Elrond.
"What's the matter with him?"
Pippin and Merry shrugged, getting out of the bed and hurrying towards the door, pulling their breeches up as they went.
"Don't know. Where to next?"
"How should I know?" replied the irate wizard. "Just get going. I'm off to look for Glorfindel."
Once the room was cleared off wizards and half-naked hobbits, Elrond let out his breath. Now he really needed that brandy. He eyed the bed suspiciously. Perhaps he'd sleep on the couch tonight.
He'd only just poured himself a large glass, when two blonde elves raced into the room. Didn't hobbits ever close a door behind them? He downed the brandy and refilled his glass. Neither of the elves were Glorfindel, thank the Valar. Unfortunately one was Legolas and one was Haldir.
"We gotta hide!" said Haldir.
Down the corridor a large amount of dwarvish swearing could be heard, mostly variations upon 'You Elvish Tart!' mixed with death threats. Gimli had found out about Haldir and Legolas. This could not be good.
"Where is he? I'll kill him! I'll kill you both!"
Haldir whimpered, and hid under the bed. Legolas didn't seem too concerned, but then again Legolas had long experience of dealing with jealous lovers. It was an occupational hazard when your hobbies included shagging just about anything on two legs. Although apparently 'anything on two legs' hadn't included Elrond, who Legolas had refused twice now. Slag.
Gimli appeared in the doorway, brandishing an axe. He threw it at Legolas, who dodged it easily. The axe embedded itself in Elrond's bed, causing further whimpers from Haldir.
"How could you do this to me!?" screamed the dwarf.
"Gimli, baby, it didn't mean anything, honest! Besides, it was only that one time..."
"Legolas, I'm not stupid. This is the second time I've caught you with him."
"Okay, only that one time and that one other time. But that's all. You know I love you..."
There was a snort from beneath the bed. Legolas ignored it, continuing his string of platitudes. Elrond watched the scene unfolding in front of his eyes with growing disbelief. Surely Legolas wasn't going to get away with this... Yep, he appeared to be getting away with it.
His arms now wrapped around a sobbing Gimli, Legolas turned to Elrond, winked, and said "Enjoying the view?"
That was the last straw. Elrond snapped. "If I was you, Gimli, I wouldn't be wasting your time. Legolas is a ridiculous slut who'll just hop into bed with someone else the second you next turn your back, and..."
"Nobody insults my Elf!"
Although the diminutive height of dwarves might sometimes be considered a disadvantage, in certain areas of warfare it is most certainly an advantage. Gimli's blow swung true, and Elrond folded in half and collapsed onto the floor with a groan. Legolas sauntered out on Gimli's arm (although he did stop to whisper to Haldir 'I'll be in touch, 'kay?'), and Haldir slinked out after them, thankfully closing the door behind him.
Once Elrond was able to stand up again, he examined the room. An axe was still embedded amongst the hobbit-soiled sheets, and all the brandy was gone. Right. Arwen would probably end up in Aragorn's room tonight, it was closer to the dining hall, so her rooms would be free, and Glorfindel would never think of looking for him there. Retrieving his book, he scurried along the corridors to Arwen's door. He stepped inside, closed the door, and heaved a sigh of relief. The bed was made, containing no hobbits, and the room was free of bickering Elves, axe-bearing dwarves, Glorfindel, Gandalf, and anyone else who might...
"There you are! "
Unfortunately, he'd forgotten to check Arwen's onsuite bathroom. Glorfindel stood between Elrond and the door, holding a wine bottle and swaying gently.
"Look, Glorfindel, why don't you put the wine down, okay?"
"'s empty anyways. Wanna snuggle?"
"Glorfindel, you know you'll regret this in the morning. And I respect you as a person and as a friend and all that and... are you wearing lipstick?"
Happy nod. " Y'know, you're my best friend, Elrond. You my bestest friend in the whole world. You want shome brandy?"
From somewhere he'd retrieved a bottle, more than half full.
"This," predicted Elrond, taking the brandy and drinking more than half of what was left straight from the bottle, "is not going to be pretty."
"Loves you. Loves you a whole lot. Snuggle now?"
Later on in the evening... actually, quite close to the morning...
"I still say we should have just kicked the hobbits out of my room." argued Aragorn as they set off down the corridor.
"And then change the sheets? Nah, this is easier. Besides, they were asleep" replied Arwen. She swung the door open. Both the King and the future Queen of Gondor tilted their heads slightly to one side.
"Your room. Hobbits shouldn't be too hard to shift. Speaking of which, do you know who won?"
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.